What Is Your Flakiness Saying About You?

What Is Your Flakiness Saying About You?

All of us are flaky at some point along the way, much of which is not necessarily intentional. Some of us are overwhelmed by the excessive demands being placed upon us. We cannot help but feel fatigued or even exhausted. And with everything we have on our minds these days, we occasionally forget.

Those of us who suffer from anxiety and depression and that have been deeply traumatized are more likely to flake when we feel anxious and overwhelmed by our circumstances and the people with whom we interact. We invariably fall into patterns of avoidance coping as a result of having learned to avoid our feelings and the realities of our everyday lives that we haven’t wanted to deal with. The problem with avoidance coping is that it can easily cross the line into flakiness.

Those of us who lack a clear sense of boundaries and that have not learned to assert or even feel a sense of deservingness when it comes to meeting our own basic needs have a hard time saying no. We operate with these huge functional deficits that often prevent us from truly understanding and caring for ourselves. We end up sacrificing who we are for the love and approval we’re so much in need of. We often go against our own better interests, saying yes in instances when it’s not what we’re feeling and by doing so, we create expectations that we are not willing or able to live up to. We invariably cause a great deal of upset, anger and confusion when we cancel or back out on the plans we’ve made with other people.

The fact that some of us are anxious, depressed or traumatized does not change the fact that we are in some instances causing enormous amounts of disappointment, frustration and that we may be hurting other people while also inflicting additional harm upon ourselves when we continue to flake.

Some of us are caught up in a toxic cycle of monkey see, money do. We flake because we haven’t yet matured or learned how to truly think for ourselves. We have in many instances learned from and then emulated the flaky words and actions of other people around us and therefore for do not know how to do any better.

My primary concern is the more malignant forms of flaking being enacted. The kind of flaking that wounds people by damaging their sense of self, causing them to feel like giving up on their hopes and dreams, the meeting of their own basic human needs, on love and even on life itself.

The damage caused by flakiness is not as overt as that caused by punching someone in the face. And yet the psychological and emotional impact of flakiness can at times have devastating consequences.

Flakiness is a form of dishonesty. You say you’re going to do something and then you don’t. Therefore, the words coming out of your mouth have little meaning or significance. That makes you a liar. And every time you flake, you’re lying again through the incongruence of your words and actions.

When you go through life flaking out on people, you are being dishonest with yourself and everyone else for that matter. Your flakiness makes you unsafe for other people. By being a flake, you are contributing to the dysfunction that makes the world we live in an unsafe place for people to open up and be emotionally vulnerable to one another.

Most of us were taught by our parents not to lie, cheat or steal. And yet flakiness is truly reprehensible conduct and on par with any of the aforementioned behaviors. Because in many instances you are doing just as much, if not even more damage when you flake.

But somehow flakiness has become more socially acceptable. Flaking has become so normalized and so much a part of our tech infused culture that it is now the standard mode of operation for many people. Sadly, many people nowadays have become so apathetic when it comes to flakiness in that they don’t give a shit. Or they don’t get the fact that they’re doing anything wrong.

Flaking is the antithesis of love, compassion, altruism and everything good there is about the human experience. Flakiness takes on so many expressions. We ignore people’s texts, emails and phone calls. We make dates, RSVP for events and agree to do all kinds of other things with people. And then we blow off those people and the plans we’ve made with them by canceling, often at the last minute. And in many instances, we don’t even bother to show up.

Blowing people off or the plans you’ve made with them and even more so when done via text or not showing up is incredibly shitty behavior. That person you made plans with has invested considerable amounts of time, energy and emotion in you. They may have gone to a great deal of expense on your behalf. And they were probably looking forward to seeing you. If you truly cannot make a previously agreed upon meeting, then at least have the basic human decency to pick up the phone and give that person a call.

And if you truly care about the person with whom you are breaking plans with, then find a way to make it up to them. Suggest another time or place and then actually show up to do what you said you were going to do. And if that’s too much to ask of you, then you seriously do need professional help.

What’s the point of getting into a relationship with someone if you’re going to abruptly disappear from their life by ghosting them? And what’s the point of making plans if you’re not going to honor them? Why bother? How do you ever get anywhere in your work, relationships or any other aspect of your life other than what happens by accident? For those of you who have yet to figure it out, you don’t.

Adversity is a normal part of our everyday lives. Our parents, grandparents and generations past faced wars, the great depression and many other of other severe hardships. I personally know and have known people who have lived through the horrors of the holocaust, genocide and ethnic cleansing. Our present-day flakes bail out on people and challenging circumstances as they all too easily find themselves feeling overwhelmed. They often ghost on a relationship that is no longer convenient for them, when they find their job to be stressful or any number of other normal everyday life challenges.

And if you’re like a lot of people who habitually flake out, you’re so out of touch and so utterly clueless that you don’t even see the problem with what you’re doing. Maybe you bail out the moment you begin to see your reflection in the mirror. Or you may become angry and defensive any time someone tries to hold you accountable for your words and actions. You might even gaslight the person or people your flaking on by attempting to make them at fault.

And why do you even bother to keep apologizing? Saying you’re sorry only makes you a bigger asshole. Talk is incredibly cheap, especially when it is not backed up with meaningful action. You need to understand that when you keep on flaking, you’re letting people down repeatedly. If you’re truly remorseful you’ll cut the bullshit, and you will find a way to make it up to the person or people you’ve let down. There will be no need to apologize if you just do what you say and say what you do. It’s much easier than you think.

By flaking, you’re not showing up to or paying attention to what truly matters. And you’re not being an active and responsible participant in life. And by doing so, you’re demonstrating that you are not a functional adult.

Flaking is all about selfishness or self-absorption. You’re demonstrating through your words and actions that you really don’t care about anyone but yourself. Other people, their needs and considerations do not matter to you because the world revolves around you. When you flake, you are not accountable. In other words, you cannot be counted upon to do what it is that you say you’re going to do. And whether your flaking is intentional or not, you’re still being rude, inconsiderate and hurtful, possibly causing enormous frustration, anxiety and inconvenience.

Everyone has been wounded emotionally to varying degrees, with some obviously more than others. Flakiness can have a truly devastating emotional impact upon those who are already deeply wounded. It can in some instances be incredibly wounding behavior to the people with whom you interact and even more so to those who become a part of your life. You are doing considerable damage to yourself and those with whom you interact as you move through the world.

Flakiness is one of the most unloving and uncaring behaviors you can possibly engage in. You’re creating all this unnecessary toxic drama and other weirdness in your own relationships while simultaneously feeding into the collective fuckedupedness of our society. You’re creating confusion and insecurity in the person or people you’re flaking on. You are in some instances re-triggering their abandonment wounds. You’re creating new emotional wounds while exacerbating already existing wounds by causing pain and frustration and then leaving the person you’re flaking on strung out emotionally.

When people keep suffering these wounding experiences over and over again, they begin to feel a profound sense of resignation and say to themselves “Why bother.” As those hurts and disappointments continue to build up, they feel like giving up. And many do give up. Are you such a heartless asshole that you’re willing to wound people like that?

When you flake out on people, you are basically devaluing them through your words and actions. You are telling the person or people with whom you’re interacting that they do not matter. And even worse …you’re treating them like shit. And if you go through life treating people so horribly, then you’re not worth the investment of anyone’s time, effort or emotion. You certainly do not deserve the love or friendship shown to you because you obviously do not know how to love or be a friend.

Life is hard enough as it is and yet you’re only adding to the difficulty that many people are already experiencing. Time, being one of the most valuable commodities we as human beings have, is precious. We all have limited amounts of it. But you’re wasting enormous amounts of people time. You’re also wearing on them emotionally and draining their life force. 

You cannot be depended upon; therefore, others end up having to carry your weight or suffer unnecessary difficulties and hardships. You’re not trustworthy, therefore there is no basis for any kind of meaningful relationship.

It’s your choice as to how you move through the world. There are those who take. And by being a flake, you’re nothing more than a taker, sucking the life force out of others, feeding off your hosts – the people with whom you interact — like a parasite. And there are people who truly give and by doing so make a tremendous contribution to the lives of others. Those who contribute make this world a better place to live. What choices are you making on a daily basis?

Without a doubt, some people are going to feel uncomfortable with what I have to say in this post. Yes, my words are a bit harsh. For some, they will sting. And if you haven’t been living from a place of personal integrity, you may not be feeling all that great about yourself after reading what I have to say. And that’s a good sign because it indicates that you still have a conscience.

We have become way too tolerant of truly abhorrent behaviors in our interactions with one another. We have to identify a problem before we can ever effect change for the better.

My questions to you are …What are you going to do about it? Allow yourself to become distracted? Or are you going to do some serious soul searching and take constructive action to clean up your act? Are you going to make a concerted effort to be more conscientious in your interactions with other people?

We are here to build relationships with friends, family, people in our communities as well as those with whom we interact with in our professional lives. Healthy relationships are about nourishing and caring for one another, open and honest communication and working together to achieve common goals.

We all fall short at times and yet the best of us will do whatever it takes to clean up our act. You can too when you make a concerted effort on a daily basis to learn from your mistakes. Seriously consider the impact of your words and actions upon others. And then strive to be more conscientious and to live from a place of personal integrity. That means doing what you say and saying what you do.

It is so incredibly important for you to be taking constructive steps to heal your own deep emotional wounds and to become a more actively engaged participant in life. You begin the process by facing the issues relevant to you head on and learning to work constructively with your own cognitive and emotional responses. Taking the steps necessary to facilitate your healing and continued growth will enable you to develop greater resilience. You will become more authentic, while developing greater empathy and compassion. That will make you a kinder, more caring and conscientious human being. And you will also become more accountable. Only then will you make a worthwhile contribution to humanity and the world in which we live.  

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©Copyright 2019 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, creation and contact information intact, without specific permission.

Ben Oofana is a healer who began his training with Horace Daukei, one of the last surviving traditional doctors among the Kiowa Indian tribe. Call (913) 927-4281 to learn more or to schedule an individual session.

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