British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of “the good enough parent.” In most instances, our parents were doing the best they could in raising us, given their circumstances, knowledge and resources. They were motivated by love and a desire to provide for us to the best of their ability.

While it might be comforting to believe that all parents strive to do their best, this isn't always the case. Not every parent necessarily has the best of intentions. Some parents act out of selfish motivations, neglect their responsibilities, or cause harm, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Like everyone else, our parents were human and, therefore, prone to mistakes. Often, they too were subjected to abuse and neglect, with many of their own basic needs going unmet. They were probably doing the best they could to cope with the stresses of work, relationships, and other aspects of their own lives. In numerous cases, they lacked the understanding and resources needed to heal their own emotional wounds or cope effectively.

Inherent in every individual and relationship is a certain amount of ambiguity. Parents exist on a spectrum, ranging from loving and supportive to abusive. Even the most caring parents have off days, grapple with personal issues and their own emotional responses. Like in any relationship, there may be instances where their words or actions leave us feeling hurt or upset. Parents who may have been abusive in many respects may have also loved us to the best of their capacity.

I often work with multiple generations within families, doing my best to understand each individual's needs and the intricacies of the family dynamics. My goal is to facilitate healing for both parents and children, treating them as individuals and, whenever possible, striving to promote healing within the family unit as a whole.

The memories that children hold of their upbringing often differ vastly from the parents' recollections of how they raised their children. For instance, one young woman I work with harbors a great deal of resentment, feeling that her mother didn't do enough for her, failed to stand up for her, and wasn't as supportive as other parents.

The mother later confided in me, saying, ‘I did the best I could. I sent her off to study abroad and provided her with numerous other experiences.' She further reflected, ‘As a parent, you may have believed you were doing everything right. However, without the skills to process your own emotions and cope with stress, you may not have been equipped to pass these essential skills on to your children.”‘

It's also true that children can turn out in unexpected ways. I've encountered cases where loving and supportive parents have seen their children commit crimes and engage in truly horrendous behavior. Or children who, despite their upbringing, have succumbed to the destructive paths of opioids, crystal meth, and other drugs.

It's important to remember that children enter the world with their unique individual souls. Perhaps they fall in with the wrong crowd, or other unforeseen circumstances influence their paths. Witnessing the anguish these parents endure is heartbreaking. Despite their utmost efforts, some things remain beyond their control.

What are the underlying causes of our parental wounds?

Emotional wounding occurs when parents:

• Attended to their children's physical needs but failed to provide the essential elements of love, care, and security
• Lack the empathy needed to reflect the child's emotions back to them, thus failing to help them identify and cope with those emotions
• Didn't allow for the expression of their child's authentic emotional responses
• Subjected their child to frequent and harsh criticism
• Have endured emotional, physical, or sexual trauma and have not healed their own emotional wounds, therefore lacked the ability to provide love and nurturing
• Abused their child physically or sexually, violating their fundamental rights and boundaries, and resulting in profound trauma that disrupts their sense of safety, self-worth, and emotional development
• Relied on their child for assistance with their own physical or emotional needs
• Were often unavailable to the child due to work obligations, commitments, or personal interests
• Struggled with alcoholism and addictions to other substances
• Suffered from untreated mental health problems

The emotional wounds I'm describing often perpetuate across generations. Children who experience such wounding are more likely to replicate similar relational dynamics with their own offspring.

What are the indicators of the presence of parental wounds?

Think back to your childhood to recall how you felt as you interacted with either of your parents. Do any of the following seem familiar to you?

• You felt and possibly still feel that your parents weren't there for you on an emotional level
• You were reluctant to turn to one or both parents for comfort or security
• Being around either of your parents induced feelings of nervousness, intimidation and fear
• You had a parent who expected you to attend to their physical or emotional needs
• Doubting that you secured your parent's approval, you consistently strived for perfection

What does all of that mean for you now?

Some of the following negative consequences of parental wounding include:

• Low self-worth, leaving you feeling undervalued, incompetent, or undeserving of others' love. These feelings can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
• Disconnection, numbing, and lack of awareness of your own feelings
• Inability to manage your own emotional response and comfort yourself when you're in the midst of difficulty
• The belief that warm, nurturing, loving and deeply fulfilling relationships are beyond your grasp

Understanding our basic needs

Experiencing a secure attachment with our parents as a child helps us to feel that we matter. Without this basic belief in ourselves, we struggle to get a clear sense of self and have confidence in our own abilities.

Emotional awareness is crucial in parenting. Parents who were able to attune to us as children reflected our emotions, helped us identify our feelings, and guided us in managing our emotional responses. This presence and understanding means we don't need to suppress difficult or unpleasant emotions; instead, we develop the tools to navigate our emotional responses effectively.

As we journey through childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood without developing the awareness and ability to manage our feelings, we fail to cultivate the capacity to self-nurture. Consequently, we often seek comfort outside ourselves, which may include substances that cause us to become more numbed and disconnected, such as alcohol and recreational drugs.

Relationship difficulties tend to perpetuate themselves. Due to our distorted internal models of attachment and a lack of learned trust, we often struggle to form and maintain the deeply nurturing and fulfilling relationships that are so essential for our wellbeing.

Healing the parental wound

Many of us are incredibly resistance to feeling. We don't allow ourselves to go to those places inside of us where we hold feelings such as hurt, anger and resentment and where we feel most vulnerable.

To initiate the healing process, we must fully acknowledge our experiences and our authentic emotional responses. Subsequently, we need to thoroughly digest these experiences and emotional responses.

A continuing source of love, strength, and support

I’m very empathic and as I look and feel into people's bodies and minds, I can see that everyone has issues with their parents. However, these issues vary considerably from one individual to another. I can also see how these issues shape an individual and impact their lives.

Those who were nurtured by loving and supportive parents internalize many resources that provide them with a sense of stability and that help them to navigate life's many challenges more effectively. They carry their parent's love and the support they received with them as they go forward in life. These resources will, in many instances, help them to establish more stable romantic attachments.

When I guide these individuals to bring their parents to the forefront of their awareness during meditation, they tend to experience feelings such as love, gratitude, and appreciation. They often draw strength from and feel comforted by their parents' presence. Even when conflicts and misunderstandings emerge, they often find it easier to resolve these issues quickly.

The impact of childhood adversity

Many of the people I work with have experienced a great deal of adversity throughout their childhood and adolescence. The following is a brief sampling of the adversity faced by many of the people with whom I've worked, along with the effect it has had on their lives:

Neglect: Adults who were neglected as children may struggle with feelings of worthlessness or invisibility. They may have difficulty forming and maintaining relationships due to fears of abandonment or not feeling “worthy” of attention or care.

Narcissistic Abuse: Victims of narcissistic abuse may struggle with a sense of self-identity and experience difficulties trusting others. They might exhibit codependent tendencies, feeling a need to please others to gain validation.

Harsh Criticism, and other forms of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, can have severe, long-lasting impacts. Adults who were harshly criticized or emotionally abused in childhood may struggle with self-esteem and self-worth issues, often experiencing a deep-seated fear of failure or displaying perfectionistic tendencies.

Physical Abuse: Adults abused physically as children may experience PTSD, anger issues, and may struggle to feel safe. They might have difficulties with intimacy and trust in relationships.

Sexual Abuse: Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse often grapple with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and may have difficulties with intimacy and sexual relationships. They may also experience feelings of shame and guilt.

Parental Substance Abuse: Adults who grew up with a parent abusing alcohol or drugs often struggle with feelings of instability and insecurity. They may also have difficulties with trust and forming healthy relationships and are at a higher risk of developing substance abuse issues themselves.

Chaotic/Uncontrolled Environment: Adults from such backgrounds may experience difficulties establishing structure and stability in their lives. They may struggle with anxiety and feel a constant need for control.

Parental Mental Illness: Adults with parents who suffered mental illnesses may have lived through unpredictability and may struggle with understanding and processing their childhood experiences. They may exhibit an increased risk for mental health issues and may have difficulty forming stable relationships.

Emotional responses

The kinds of emotional responses people have in response to childhood abuse or neglect can be varied and complex, reflecting both the specific type of abuse and the individual's personal experience and coping mechanisms. The following are some common emotions that surface as I have people bring their parents into their awareness during meditation:

• Anger, rage, resentment and sometimes hatred surface in those who suffered abuse or neglect. They may feel anger towards their parents, themselves, and the world in general.
• Feelings of sadness and hopelessness or a sense of emptiness often surface in response to having suffered childhood traumas
• Anxiety, fear for their own safety, or a sense of dread that something bad is going to happen
• Shame and feelings of guilt are common for those who were sexually abused. They may blame themselves, feeling that it was somehow their fault.
• Confusion and conflicting feelings about their childhood and their relationship with their parents
• A profound sense of loneliness and isolation, especially if they were neglected or were unseen in their family of origin
• Survivors of abuse often have feelings of betrayal surface, especially if the perpetrator was someone they were supposed to be able to trust, like a parent
• Those who were subjected to emotional and verbal abuse that internalized the harshly critical messages received in childhood may experience feelings of worthlessness
• Disgust and a sense of repulsion or revulsion are common for those subjected to sexual abuse
• Numbing or disconnecting from their emotions and physical bodies often served as a tactic to help them survive an abusive or neglectful childhood and often carry over into adulthood
• Insecurity and doubting their own sense of worth and capabilities

Although these emotional responses can be quite unpleasant, I find it critically important that when working with this practice, we allow ourselves to fully experience our authentic emotional responses to our parents, past and even recent events. Even if feelings such as anger, resentment, hatred, fear, and hopelessness surface, it doesn't mean that we will always feel this way.

Some people fear that if they allow themselves to experience these feelings, they will be taken over and never come out of it. That's not going to happen. While these feelings may persist for some time, as we continue to breathe softly and deeply, with our awareness centered within them, these feelings will soften, become more diffuse, and undergo a transformation.

Working with this practice initiates a much deeper level of emotional processing that I refer to as digestion. As we thoroughly digest our life experiences and emotional responses, we experience a growing sense of resolution, which makes it easier for us to heal, let go, and move on. We're able to learn the valuable lessons that our life experiences and emotions have to teach us and derive strength from them. In many instances, we gain a deeper understanding of our parents and are better able to accept them for who they are. We may even develop an appreciation for them.

Coping with the death of a parent

Witnessing the physical and mental decline of a parent can be a heart-wrenching experience filled with moments of despair and helplessness. It becomes even more challenging when they don't receive adequate medical care, and we see mistakes being made in their treatment. This often sparks a deep sense of guilt and remorse within us, a nagging feeling that perhaps we could have done something differently. We might even irrationally hold ourselves responsible for our parent's deterioration, adding another layer of emotional complexity to an already tumultuous situation.

People that I've worked with in these situations were able to process their feelings of guilt along with the grief associated with losing their parents, and ultimately arrive at a place of acceptance.

Healing the Parental Wounds Meditation

I have walked many people through the “Healing the Parental Wounds” meditation practice I developed that involves bringing each of their parents to the forefront of their awareness, one at a time. Each individual's experience of this meditation varies tremendously, depending on the nature of their relationship with each parent over their lifetime and what's recently been happening in those relationships.

I have to gauge each individual I work with to determine if they are ready for the Healing the Parental Wounds meditation. I won't guide someone through this practice in the early stages of our work if they're deeply traumatized, especially if they're in an emotionally raw and vulnerable state.

I will often teach them other meditation practices to enable them to become permeable, which helps them diffuse powerful emotions, allowing the emotions to pass through them. Alternatively, I may guide them through the ‘Walking Meditation,' which also helps to diffuse powerful emotions while simultaneously grounding them in their physical bodies. Once I see that a sufficient foundation has been built and that they are becoming more resilient, then I will guide them through the Healing the Parental Wounds meditation.

In the beginning, I may have the person I'm working with hold their parents in their awareness for five to fifteen minutes. If I sense that it's too much for the individual, I can always guide them out of it and lead them into another meditation to calm and ground them. When I see that a person is ready to address the parental wounds, I often have them work with this practice for forty minutes, an hour, and sometimes longer.

I often encourage the person I'm working with to continue practicing on their own after the session as homework. As they continue this practice over the coming days, weeks, and months, more emotions and memories will continue to surface. Digesting these feelings and past occurrences enables them to heal and transform their emotional wounding. The once wounded parts of the self become part of a new and much stronger foundation.

I recommend that you do this practice with both of your parents but do it with one at a time. You can also do this practice with a grandparent, foster parent, auntie, uncle, sibling, or anyone else who helped to raise you or played a significant role in your childhood and adolescence. Here are the basic steps:

• Bring your parents, one at a time, to the forefront of your awareness by visualizing them, then feel their presence. You might find it helpful to envision your parents as you saw them at different times in your life, particularly during moments when their words or actions had the most significant impact on you
• Notice what feelings and bodily sensations arise in response to your parent
• Bring your full awareness to where these feelings or sensations arise within your body
• Breathe softly and deeply as you fully immerse your awareness in the depths of any feelings or bodily sensations that arise
• Continue to follow these feelings and bodily sensations as they go through their progression
  
  

Combine this meditation practice with the most powerful therapeutic interventions

This meditation practice is extraordinarily powerful, but it becomes even more so when combined with the most effective therapeutic interventions. Working with this practice in conjunction with psychotherapy will help you process your emotional responses at a much deeper level, allowing you to derive significantly more benefits from therapy.

A good therapist can help to mirror your feelings by giving you the opportunity to express the pain of being unloved, abandoned, betrayed, or victimized. It's also important to educate yourself by researching aspects of parental dysfunction and wounding that specifically apply to you, such as family alcoholism, narcissistic parents, and so forth.

Being trained by a traditional Native American doctor (medicine man), I'm able to facilitate healing within the body and mind by acting as a conduit. The bodies of people who do this practice in conjunction with the individual healing sessions that I facilitate become far more malleable. We're able to delve into much deeper levels to thoroughly digest their experiences and subsequent emotional responses. As this occurs, the deeply wounded parts of the self are healed and transformed.

How long should I work with this meditation?

Some issues that surface can be resolved quickly, particularly if you had parents who were generally loving and supportive. For those of us who grew up with alcoholic or narcissistic parents, or who experienced a great deal of trauma, the wounds can run especially deep. In these instances, healing the parental wounds can be an ongoing process. You'll need to continue bringing your parents into your awareness during your meditations for some time.

However, I do not recommend continuing this practice indefinitely. It can be beneficial for days, weeks, and even months at a time, and then it's good to let it rest for a while. There will be periods when you need to focus on other concerns. That's where your intuition comes in. I encourage you to use your intuition to discern your present moment needs and vary your routine by incorporating some of the other forms of meditation that I teach.

Why it's so important to heal our parental wounds

Unhealed parental wounds continue to live on the inside of us. Even if we're not conscious of the trauma we've internalized and the emotions of sadness, grief, fear and anger and resentment we're holding within, they operate from our subconscious. These past traumas and the emotions attached to them create distorted filters through which we perceive ourselves, other people, the world around us.

Parental wounds will, in many instances, sabotage our relationships and other areas of our lives. If we were mistreated or abused, we carry these wounds within our bodies and minds. We are more likely to attract people into our lives who retraumatize us.

Conversely, healing this wounding frees us from the energies and emotions while dismantling the deeply entrenched patterns that cause us to attract the kinds of people that hurt us and reenact past trauma and perpetuate our suffering. As we free ourselves from this distortion, we develop a lightness about us and our authentic being begins to emerge.

As we heal and transform these wounded parts of ourselves, we attract people into our lives who are much kinder, more supportive with whom we can establish more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.

The trauma and accompanying fear, hurt, and other emotions held within consume a great deal of bandwidth. Healing these wounded parts of ourselves frees up much of this bandwidth, allowing much-needed resources to emerge. As that happens, there's a lot more of you to be present in the here and now.

How working with this meditation is going to help you

One of the great advantages of working with the Healing the Parental Wounds meditation is that it takes you to the source of some of your deepest emotional wounds. It frees up the parts of you that have been bound up by trauma and hurt, fear, anger and other internalized emotions so that they can be healed and transformed. You come out on the other side feeling much lighter and with more available resources.

By healing and transforming the wounded parts of yourself, you develop an increasing capacity to truly accept, appreciate, and love yourself. As the old concepts of self, built through the way your parents interacted with you, are transformed, you're able to develop a positive self-image that reflects the authentic you.

By gaining access to and digesting the impressions and emotions of past experiences held within your body, you develop greater self-awareness. And by processing the heavier emotions of the past, such as sadness, disappointment, and hurt, you get to experience more joyful emotions and a nourishing presence emerging from within.

As you progress in your healing journey, you will find yourself becoming more resourceful. Part of this process involves parenting yourself, meeting your needs by giving yourself what you didn't receive as a child.

As I stated earlier in this article, you need to be combining this practice with the most effective therapeutic interventions to get optimal results. I worked with a therapist in my twenties, and I continue to educate myself in these areas. I've have done lots of deep tissue bodywork, have worked with a number of gifted healers and have gone through dozens of vision quests that involve fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food and water.

Gaining perspective

I want to reiterate that most of our parents were doing the best they could with their understanding and the resources they possessed under the circumstances they found themselves in. We're being unrealistic if we expect perfection from them. They may have said and done things that hurt us, yet we need to be careful about harboring blame.

It's too easy to remain in a space of anger and resentment when we're not willing to honestly look at ourselves, face our issues, and take responsibility for our own lives. However, this can easily become an act of self-sabotage that will prevent us from healing and realizing our true potential.

Understanding that some of the experiences we went through helped us develop the much-needed resources and capabilities that shaped us into the individuals we are today can provide a much-needed perspective. Now that we're adults, it's our responsibility to empower ourselves by taking charge of our own lives. A crucial part of this involves doing whatever is necessary to facilitate our own healing, to realize our true potential, and to fulfill our life's purpose. Taking steps to heal also helps to ensure that we won't pass these emotional wounds on to our own children.

For those of us who have been subjected to physical, sexual, or narcissistic abuse, it might not be advisable, safe, or even possible to interact with our parents. It's understandable that we may truly lack any desire to see them.

Many of us will find that we're able to reach a place of resolution, forgiveness, appreciation, and love for our parents. This will enable us to acknowledge our parents as individuals and appreciate the sacrifices they made for us, as well as what they did manage to provide for us.

As you continue to heal and grow, you may find it possible to either build or deepen an existing relationship with your parent(s). Even though it’s not a perfect relationship, you'll learn to set boundaries, appreciate one another and you may find that together you and your parent(s) can build a more meaningful connection.

Guidance along the journey

Healing the Parental Wounds is a complex process. You may be able to navigate the internal terrain on your own if you have already done a great deal of internal work. Most people initially need guidance. When you work with me one-on-one, I can help you to get the most out of this practice. I can work with you remotely by phone; however, the in-person sessions are far more powerful. Schedule a call with me if you would like to explore working together. Click here to schedule a call with me if you would like to explore working together.

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