Transforming Your Heartache

Transforming Your Heartache

Relationships have an amazing way of putting us in touch with our deepest vulnerabilities. We are continually changing and so are our partners. And that means our relationship are always changing. We fall in love with one another and maybe we thought we had found true love and that it would last forever. In most instances, we’re going to fall out of love. We often crash hard when that happens. And then the partner that was once so loving and there for us is now incredibly distant and possibly saying and doing things that leave us feeling hurt.

We may break off the relationship after seeing some aspects of the person we loved so dearly that we find unacceptable. Or maybe they break up with us. And that leaves us in a state of shock. Parts of us are still back there somewhere, holding on to the love and connectedness we once shared.

Why do we continue to hold on to that someone and what we shared with them, even when it’s not in our best interest? Most of us find it difficult to let go because we’re not able to process our losses. Everything we’ve gone through with our former partner and our emotional responses that we’ve failed to digest freeze up within our bodies.

We need to the best of our ability to bring ourselves into the present. We do that by embracing the reality of our connection with that individual as it is in the here and now. We need to be doing the deep level processing of our life experiences and our subsequent emotional responses. Our relationship with this individual and our cognitive and emotional responses need to go through a process in which they are digested.

Rejection and unrequited love

Many of us have experienced these intensely powerful feelings of love and longing for someone that we so much we wanted to be with. And yet that person did not reciprocate our feelings. Or they were incredibly ambiguous, giving us all kinds of mixed signals. They may have also said and done things that deepened our existing emotional wounds.

The people we fall in love are not going to be able to reciprocate our feelings if they’re not feeling the same chemistry. At other times, there may be a powerful mutual attraction. And yet that person we’re wanting to be with is so deeply wounded emotionally. Those who are so conflicted and disconnected emotionally may not be all that cognizant of their own feelings or know what it is that they truly want.

Weak attachments

Dating apps such as Tinder can provide a seemingly infinite selection of potential partners for the youthful and physically attractive. We may feel as though we are connecting with someone, and yet that person disappears because they’ve moved on to someone else who caught their attention.

Individually and collectively, we are way more distracted than ever before.

The technology that has become so much a part of our lives is purposefully designed to be addictive. It’s no wonder that so many people’s primary relationship is now with their smartphones. Many of us are spending enormous amounts of time scrolling through social media updates, swiping on dating apps or keeping up with the latest news updates.

Our own and other people’s attention is being continually fragmented. And that’s why we’re finding it so much more difficult to focus our attention.

How does that translate into the daily reality of our relationships?

Many of us are finding that we’re not able to hold people’s attention like we used to. We manage to capture someone’s attention for a short while and then they forget about us. Or their attention gets diverted to someone or something else. And that means that there is less continuity and constancy in our relationships with one another.

Our attachments are nowhere near as deep or secure. And that is making it considerably more difficult for us to form any kind of healthy, meaningful or lasting attachments. At times we do feel like we’re really connecting with someone. And yet that sense of connectedness is often short lived. What seems to be happening more often than not is that person we felt so connected to suddenly disappears from our lives.

Getting attached to the wrong people

Many of us are habitually getting attached to people that string us along emotionally. The person we’ve grown so attached to may be emotionally unavailable or enact all kinds of crazy making narcissistic or borderline tendencies. Their crazy making is causing us to feel as though we’re losing it. And then they’re making us feel as though we’re at fault. We may find ourselves trapped in a seemingly never-ending cycle of abuse that leaves us feeling tormented.

These torturous relationships can leave us with an enormous amount of hurt, fear and confusion. It can feel as though we’re going through some kind of modern-day version of those ancient Aztec ritual sacrifices where our heart is being ripped out of our chest.

Despite all that, we keep holding on, trying even harder to fix our partner and to make the relationship work. We find ourselves so strung out emotionally, desperately craving our fix, trying to hold it all together while being tossed about on a very tumultuous emotional rollercoaster.

Our attempts to love and be loved by someone so deeply wounded and wounding can easily turn into a destructive cycle of traumatic bonding. All those hurt feelings that arise in response to their hurtful words and actions and crazymaking that we keep pushing down on the inside keep us locked into a holding pattern. And that’s why we cannot fully let go and move on.

We fall into these destructive relationship cycles due to our ignorance and lack of understanding and awareness. We also have a tendency to attract people into our lives that are a reflection of our own emotional wounding. And then we hold onto these people because we’re so disconnected from our own inner being and do not know how to love or appreciate ourselves.

Being rejected or broken up with, having relationships crash and burn or getting entangled with abusive partners can be devastatingly painful. We will no longer find ourselves attracted to or resonate with such wounding or otherwise dysfunctional partners as we take the steps necessary to facilitate the healing of our emotional wounding. And those who operate on these levels are far less likely to be attracted to us.

Painful as it is, these relationships and the partners that create so much suffering in our lives can also provide us with an opportunity to truly heal and transform ourselves. It’s up to us to embrace the opportunity being presented to us. We do that by making use of the practices and therapeutic interventions that make healing and transformation possible.

It is critically important for you to learn to do the deep level processing of your relationship along with any subsequent cognitive and emotional response. Start by fully acknowledging the reality playing out at this time in your relationship. And then notice what you’re feeling in response to all of heartache and other dramas playing out in your relationships. Bring your attention to the places within your body where these feelings are situated. Now fully immerse your awareness in the middle of all those feelings and bodily sensations. Allow yourself to fully experience all that you feel in response to that person you’re involved with or wanting to be with. Feel all there is to feel in response to any interactions you have with them. Breathe softly and deeply while centering your awareness in the middle of all of these feelings and bodily sensations.

Your feelings and bodily sensations will change as you continue to breathe into them. Continue to follow these changing feelings and sensations while breathing into them as they go through their progression. 

Here are the steps listed out for you in numerical order:

  • Start by acknowledging what’s happening between you and that person that has been a part of your life or that you are hoping to connect with.
  • Notice any feelings or sensations that arise within you body.
  • Bring your awareness to the places within your body where you experience these feelings and sensations.
  • Breathe softly and deeply while fully immersing your awareness in the midst of any feelings or bodily sensations that arise.
  • Follow these feelings and sensations as they go through their progression.

It’s important for you to understand that healing is an ongoing process. This process requires an investment of time, effort and emotion. It’s highly unlikely that anything will change for the better if you’re not making consistent use of the practices and interventions needed to facilitate your healing and continued growth.

Daily practice is an incredibly important part of the healing process. Consistent daily practice will produce powerful results. Do at least twenty to thirty minutes if that’s all the time you have. I recommend that you work with this practice daily for at least an hour if at all possible.

I would do this practice for hours on end during these times when I was going through a breakup or getting strung along emotionally. I would also be working with this practice all throughout the day in the midst of whatever I was doing. And by doing so, I found that it helped me to get over the losses and let go of unhealthy people and relationships a lot faster.

Working with this practice also helped me to awaken from the trance of my own projections so I could truly see that other person I had wanted so much to be with for who they were. I was able to learn the lesson inherent in these relationships and outgrow the need to be involved with someone that was causing so much unnecessary hurt and leaving me feeling strung out emotionally.

I developed a whole series of meditative practices that facilitate the awakening of the innate healing intelligence residing within the body and mind. These practices are very effective when done consistently and yet I discovered after some time that I could only go so far on my own before hitting a wall. I then began to realize that practice was only one part of the equation. At a certain point, I came to the understanding that I needed to incorporate a number of therapeutic interventions to facilitate the healing that I wasn’t fully capable of effecting on my own.

The emotional responses to the stresses of daily life that we fail to digest remain trapped within our bodies indefinitely. I need to be able to access this emotional content so that I could do the deep level processing needed to facilitate the healing of the wounded parts of myself. Deep tissue body work has helped me to bring much of that emotional content to the surface. 

Childhood traumas and other deeply wounding experiences can have lasting and debilitating effects. We find ourselves consumed with all kinds of overwhelmingly painful emotions that we’re not able to process. These traumatic events and the highly charged emotions that we’re not able to process alter neurostructure and biochemical makeup of our brains.

My first big breakthroughs happened on those rare occasions when I got to work with some of the powerfully gifted healers that I encountered during my mid to late twenties. I could feel the highly charged emotions that had been held within my body being diffused and then digested. The traumatic wounds that kept being reenacted in my relationships were actually healing. There was a definite easing of the horrible suffering along with a lessening of the toxic drama playing out in my relationships. I was making some serious headway. The problem is that healers of this magnitude are very rare and therefore did not come around very often.

I’m fortunate to have had the opportunity to train with one of the last surviving traditional doctors (medicine men) among the Kiowa Indian Tribe. My mentor Horace would at times have me go on the vision quest after transmitting portions of his own healing gifts to me.

The vision quest is a traditional Native American healing practice that involves going out to fast alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. Parts of the vision quest are similar in many ways to a near death experience. I can at times feel this immensely powerful presence entering my body. Visual and kinesthetic impressions of past traumas and other wounding experiences are often brought to the forefront of my awareness. I have on many occasions found myself reexperiencing many of the same emotions that I felt at the time of these events, but with greater intensity. I can feel these experiences, along with any subsequent emotions attached to them being transformed so they can be digested and assimilated.

Intensive daily practice combined with the body work, individual healing sessions and vision quests has enabled me to build a much stronger and healthier foundation. I feel a greater sense of lightness along with a stronger connection to my internal core and have developed the resilience that is enabling me to let go, move on and bounce back much more readily. And as I progress further in my ongoing process of healing and growth, the quality of my relationships continues to improve.

In times past, most Native Americans took part in the vision quest, sun dance or other intensive ritual practices. Five of the many people that I’ve worked with over the years have gone on the vision quest. The intensity of the vision quest is not for most people living our modern-day way of life. However, the same healing powers that assists me during the vision quest work through me to facilitate the healing of those I work with. 

The presence working through me during the individual healing sessions facilitates a process in which any breakup, divorce or other painful experience of loss and your subsequent emotional responses are digested. A process of continued growth is initiated that will enable you to evolve beyond the highly toxic dysfunctional relational patterns and partners. All those deeply wounding losses and interactions and their corresponding emotional responses once transformed will greatly increase your capacity for love, compassion and empathy. As a result of this transformation, you naturally find yourself evolving to healthier partners and interactions.

Relationships will always have their challenges. Working with this and other versions of the practices I’m teaching in conjunction with the individual healing sessions will greatly increase your processing capacity. And that will enable you to digest whatever is going on in your relationships and any other area of your life along with any subsequent cognitive and emotional responses. And by doing so, you will be able to transform whatever you’re experiencing in life in such a way that it becomes fuel for your continued growth.

Healing the deep emotional wounds will enable you to develop greater strength and resilience. You will become more fully present, opening of your heart in such a way that will greatly increase your capacity to love and be loved. And by doing so, you will find yourself attracting and attracted to healthier friends and companions and creating more fulfilling and meaningful relationships.

Be sure to watch the video I’m posting below and then feel free to reach out to me if you’re willing to take the steps necessary to heal the loss of a love, attract healthier companions and create more fulfilling relationships.

Have you received value from the insights you’ve gained through my writing? Your generous and thoughtful donation via Paypal or (Venmo @BenOofana) makes it possible for me to devote considerably more time and effort to creating more articles and videos.

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