Mattia was involved with a woman of Russian descent from the Donbas, the Russian-occupied region of eastern Ukraine, whom he described as highly narcissistic. However, based on the account he shared with me about his ex-girlfriend and their interactions, she sounds more like a sociopath. She actually supports the occupying Russian forces—the same forces responsible for raping, torturing, and murdering Ukrainian prisoners of war and civilians. Getting entangled with someone like that can be incredibly damaging and often leaves lasting scars.

Mattia had been attending Tony Robbins’ seminars, and while that might help with his attitude and motivation, it’s not going to heal the trauma and other deep emotional wounds he’s carrying. It doesn’t surprise me that Mattia was drawn to Robbins, as his impatience drives him to seek quick fixes and instant gratification rather than addressing the underlying issues. Mattia is also on Adderall, which only exacerbates his problems. Prolonged use can lead to neurotoxicity and brain damage, depleting dopamine levels and potentially causing cognitive impairment and emotional blunting. The drug’s impact on the brain’s reward system may provide a temporary boost in motivation but ultimately leaves the user more disconnected from themselves and their emotions, complicating any real progress in healing.

The last time I saw Mattia, he expressed his displeasure with the intensity of the emotions that surfaced after our previous session. It’s common for unresolved issues and emotions to rise up during and after individual sessions, as they need to be processed and integrated. That’s why I make a concerted effort to guide everyone I work with through a series of meditation practices designed to help them connect with and work more effectively with their authentic emotional responses. Working with these practices will enable them to diffuse the intensity of any emotions that surface, making the healing process more manageable and ensuring they gain greater benefit from our sessions.

I often tell those I work with, “These emotions wouldn’t be making their way to the surface if you weren’t already holding them within your body. They’re surfacing because they are your body and mind’s authentic response to what you are currently experiencing and have gone through. For healing to occur, it’s essential to access and ‘digest’ these emotions.” In Mattia’s case, the emotions he was experiencing were directly related to what he had gone through in his relationship with the woman from the Donbas and other deeply wounding experiences from his past. As the saying goes, “You cannot heal what you don’t feel.”

After being ghosted and still hurting, caught in a cycle of rumination as he tried to make sense of it all, Luis reached out to me. There was an emotional fragility to him; he was personalizing everything, leaving him deeply hurt and confused. He struggled to process what had happened, with his thoughts looping back to the relationship and the sudden silence, amplifying his sense of loss and inadequacy. Despite his fragility, I also sensed the dense layers of emotional body armor. Luis explained that he grew up in a home where his parents, lacking warmth, were emotionally distant, and he described their marriage as loveless. As a result, many of his basic emotional needs were never met.

I called to check in on Luis afterward and asked if he was taking the time to work with the practices I had taught him. He said he wasn’t. I explained to him that healing is a process—the first session only scratches the surface. With each subsequent session, we’re able to access deeper levels, facilitating the healing not only of his recent experience of being ghosted but also of the wounding carried over from past relationships and his family of origin.

Luis had mentioned that he was planning to take part in an ayahuasca ceremony. While psychoactive substances like ayahuasca can elicit powerful responses in the brain, I’ve seen many people undergo numerous ceremonies without truly healing their traumas and other deep emotional wounds. Despite the seemingly profound realizations and visionary experiences, the trauma often remains, and those who were dissociated stay disconnected from their bodies.

Even while speaking with Luis, I felt my time and effort were being wasted. It seemed as though he either wasn’t truly listening or simply couldn’t grasp what I was saying. Despite lacking the understanding or resources to facilitate the much-needed healing on his own, he wasn’t following the guidance or doing the necessary work to make meaningful progress.

Eliana grew up in a household where her father was verbally and physically abusive, and he regularly cheated on her mother. This deeply painful upbringing led her into a pattern of abusive relationships, resulting in a string of partners and employers who continued to mistreat her.

I had the opportunity to work with Eliana a few times in 2019, just before the COVID-19 pandemic hit. Our sessions brought up a flood of strong emotions, as often happens when I begin working with someone carrying such a heavy burden of trauma. I remember thinking I would guide her through the walking meditation and other practices that could help her diffuse the powerful emotions. But the pandemic created a lot of disconnection and like with some other people I had worked with, I lost touch with Eliana during that time. I reached out to her later, and she said she would call me back, but that call never came.

I’ve encountered and worked with so many Mattias, Luises, and Elianas over the years who have gone through devastating breakups, divorces, or been ghosted, struggling with patterns of abandonment and unrequited love. They’re deeply wounded, emotionally strung out, fragile, and obsessively thinking about the person who left them. Some also have a lengthy history of trauma and abusive relationships. They lack the resources or understanding needed to heal, yet many of these individuals show up once or twice and then disappear. Some resurface later, still struggling with the same emotional wounds, having made little, if any, real progress on their path to recovery.

It saddens me because I know they could have healed, but they failed to listen or follow through. Conversely, I’ve worked with many others who, having made enormous progress in their healing, grew more resilient and were able to let go and move on from toxic partners and relationships. I find it deeply gratifying to see them truly thrive and to witness those who have attracted someone into their lives with whom they’ve co-created a much deeper, more meaningful, and fulfilling relationship.

Most people have little comprehension of what it takes to truly heal the deep emotional wounds. The concepts they hold are, at best, grossly inaccurate. Healing is not a simple or linear process; it requires a willingness to face the devastation of heartbreak and other issues head on and to do the deep level processing of all the painful emotions, often in ways that are uncomfortable and counterintuitive. It demands consistent effort, patience, and the courage to face oneself honestly. Many fail to recognize that genuine healing is about fundamentally transforming the relationship we have with ourselves and our experiences. Without this deeper understanding coupled with consistent constructive action, they remain stuck in cycles of pain and avoidance, unable to access the profound growth and resilience that are possible through the healing process.

Lessons in Love and Loss

Starting in 2009 and continuing until the Covid lockdown, I offered weekly classes focused on helping people heal their heartache, increase their capacity to love and be loved, and improve their chances of attracting a partner with whom they could co-create a more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationship. Alongside these classes, I’ve also worked individually with people, a practice I continue to this day. Having worked with thousands of individuals, I’ve gained tremendous insight into the emotional wounding and recurring patterns they enact in their search for love—and what it takes to heal.

Over the years, many of those who came to my classes and sessions were in the midst of a devastating breakup or divorce. Others had suffered immense losses months, or even years ago but had never been able to heal and move on. Some had been ghosted; others were stuck in a cycle of disastrous relationships—most feeling hurt, angry, confused, still grieving, lonely, and longing for what once was. What I’ve found to be a consistent thread among these individuals is their lack of understanding and resources needed to digest their lived experiences and heal their deep emotional wounds.

Suffering terribly and desperate for relief, many of them had tried everything—reading articles and books, watching YouTube videos, attending support groups, and working with psychotherapists. I know the experience well, as I, too, was in the same boat, searching for answers. I also worked with a psychotherapist in my mid to late twenties. Articles, books, and therapy can all be essential parts of the healing journey, providing cognitive understanding of our emotional wounding and teaching crucial coping skills. But like many of the people I’ve worked with, I found that gaining insights wasn’t enough—despite the knowledge, the deep emotional wounds remained, and the painful patterns persisted.

People like Mattia, Luis, and Eliana—caught up in the pain and drama of their dysfunctional relational dynamics—are often unaware of the depth of their emotional wounding and how these unresolved issues keep them trapped. I know this all too well, as I, too, flailed blindly for quite some time, repeating the painful patterns without fully understanding what was driving them. True healing takes more than just surface-level insights; it requires consistent inner work and therapeutic interventions to address and transform the wounded parts of ourselves.

Attachment, Wounding, and Love

Most of us are operating with a basic need to love and be loved, yet the deep emotional wounds we carry from childhood often create immense barriers to intimacy. These wounds can leave some of us feeling anxious and insecure, deprived of love, and desperately seeking it. Others, with an avoidant attachment style, may withdraw emotionally, becoming distant and overly self-reliant, often uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness. When past romantic relationships don’t work out, the sadness, grief, and fear of being hurt again and other emotions held within our bodies can further impede our ability to give or receive love.

Because of our deep underlying need to love and be loved, we’re often drawn to certain individuals—sometimes even to those who remind us of the people who hurt us in the past. Out of naivete or ignorance, many of us have become involved with partners exhibiting not only narcissistic tendencies but also other significant mental health challenges. These may include unresolved trauma, borderline personality disorder, untreated depression, or anxiety. Or we find ourselves entangled with individuals struggling with addictions to alcohol, drugs, or gambling. In some cases, we become involved with partners displaying controlling or abusive behaviors that escalate over time. Lacking the experience and knowledge to recognize the warning signs, we enter relationships that can become extraordinarily damaging, finding ourselves trapped in cycles of manipulation, betrayal, emotional neglect, and sometimes verbal or physical abuse.

There’s something about the devastation of heartbreak that puts us in touch with our deepest emotional wounds. While heartbreak presents a profound opportunity for healing, it can also inflict considerable harm. The challenge is that many of us lack the understanding and resources necessary to heal these deep emotional wounds. Fear, confusion, and uncertainty take hold, leaving us flailing in the dark. With each subsequent heartbreak, our wounds deepen, perpetuating the same painful patterns.

Many of the people who come to work with me have spent much of their lives avoiding the feelings and issues they haven’t wanted to face. They have little, if any, understanding of the healing process, and as soon as the buried emotions start to surface, they become fearful and overwhelmed. Not knowing any better, some bail out at this stage. Others, holding unrealistic expectations, may do a session or two and then disappear, even though we were still at the surface, just beginning to access these vulnerable places. Because they bailed out, they didn’t give the process a chance to go deeper, to heal and transform the traumas and the deeply wounded parts of themselves, and to “digest” the painful emotions stored in their bodies. Sadly, for those who don’t follow through, these deep emotional wounds may never heal, and they may carry them for the remainder of their lives.

Staying Open, Willing, and Committed to Healing—No Matter What It Takes

We all know individuals who grew up in families where the parents were loving, offered plenty of support and encouragement, and provided a solid foundation for their children. Maybe that’s been your experience, too—being raised in an environment that instilled a sense of security and encouraged you to grow, giving you a strong footing to navigate life’s challenges.

But not everyone grows up in such nurturing environments. Many of us find ourselves trapped in deeply dysfunctional family dynamics, forming patterns that follow us into adulthood—abandonment, unrequited love, attracting partners who hurt or leave us behind. These experiences typically evoke feelings of anxiety, fear, grief, sadness, and anger, all of which become stored in the body. Over time, these unprocessed emotions build up, creating a backlog that weighs us down emotionally, eventually taking a toll on our bodies.

Digesting our lived experiences—especially when we’ve suffered significant trauma—and transforming the deeply wounded parts of ourselves requires consistent practice combined with the most effective therapeutic interventions. The healing process I’m describing helps us build an entirely new foundation, increasing our capacity to love and be loved, attract healthier companions, and co-create more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships. It’s also important to understand that this is an ongoing process that requires patience and takes considerable time and hard work.

Because I genuinely want the best for everyone I work with, I often encourage them to take the necessary steps to facilitate their much-needed healing. While some are receptive, I have often encountered pushback. The truth is, a person has to truly want to heal, and they must be willing to take the necessary steps for that healing to occur. The reality is that many are not motivated—they don’t necessarily want to heal. Even if they say they do, they often don’t follow through. For this reason, I have to sense into each individual, feeling out what they’re truly ready and willing to do. I’ll nudge, offer encouragement, and then see how they respond. If I'm getting pushback, I have to acknowledge that they may not be ready. I might say, “You don’t have to heal—you can live with this for the remainder of your life if that’s what you prefer,” and then step back to see how they respond.

While some people bounce back from a breakup or other heartrending dramas after just a few sessions—and even find themselves partnering up with someone truly amazing—the healing process can take considerably longer for those of us who have experienced extensive trauma or a series of disastrous relationships. This is where the challenge lies.

For much of our lives, we’ve been conditioned to seek and expect instant gratification—first from television ads, and more recently, through social media. This mindset has deeply permeated how we approach life. But when it comes to healing, this kind of thinking won’t work. The process will likely require more effort than we expect and will be quite challenging at times. Some of the issues we encounter and the emotions we experience may be extraordinarily uncomfortable. The journey won’t unfold as we imagine, and it’s probably going to take much longer than we anticipated.

Yet, it’s crucial for us to stay open, be willing to learn, and be committed to doing whatever is required—even when the process feels uncomfortable. We must also allow the healing process to take as much time as it needs.

Commitment and Consistency

As I mentioned previously, when I asked Luis if he was working with the practices I taught him, he said no. Without consistent practice, you’re not going to digest the relational drama, stressful events, interactions, or your emotional responses to what’s happening in your life, including the backlog of emotions tied to past wounds. Whatever you fail to digest will remain trapped in your body indefinitely, reinforcing your stuckness in limiting or self-defeating patterns.

There were times in my past when I held on to women I wanted to be with and relationships I was determined to make work. It wasn’t until those relationships inevitably crashed and burned that I was consumed by the painful feelings of loss. In those moments, I instinctively knew to breathe softly and deeply, immersing my awareness in the depths of those painful emotions. This helped immensely in healing and letting go of the unhealthy attachments. Yet at that time in my life, I was so inconsistent with my practice—often going weeks or months without doing any practice. As a result, I wasn’t making any real progress. Instead, I remained stuck in a holding pattern, only able to learn, heal, and grow at a very limited pace.

Looking back after all these years, I now see my inconsistency as one of my greatest mistakes, yet I had no one to turn to for guidance. Left to find my own way, it was a learn-as-I-go process. I had to figure out on my own what worked. After some time, my intuition led me to develop a series of intensive practices that enabled me to become more embodied, digest the sadness, grief, and other emotions held within my body, and increase my capacity to love and be loved. As I continued to learn and experiment, the process became more powerful. I was able to access deeper states, and my progress accelerated as I extended the time I spent practicing.

In April 2020, during the height of the Covid lockdown, I suddenly found myself with an abundance of time on my hands. I knew I didn’t want to waste all that valuable time endlessly scrolling through social media or binging on documentaries. So, I made a decision—I would commit to doing at least three hours a day of the intensive meditation practices I had developed, which involved breathing softly and deeply, while fully immersing my awareness in the depths of any feelings or bodily sensations that surfaced. As I extended my practice, I found myself descending into my inner universe, crossing multiple thresholds into deeper realms of awareness. I experienced greater lucidity and became more attuned to emotions that had long operated beneath the surface—emotions that shaped how I perceive myself, influenced my outlook on life, and drove many of my actions. This brought me to a place of greater self-awareness, a clearer understanding of how I engage with others and move through the world. As a result, I’ve gained a level of clarity and depth of perception that many people go through life without ever experiencing. Now, when I tune into those who are deeply wounded, disconnected, and trapped in destructive cycles of painful reenactments, I can feel the emotions trapped within their bodies, along with their unresolved traumatic wounds and the dysfunctional relationship dynamics playing out in their lives. It sometimes feels as if they’re under the influence of some kind of drug.

Working with the practices I’m teaching facilitates a much deeper level of processing, allowing you to digest your lived experiences and emotional responses—healing the wounded parts of yourself while enabling you to learn from those experiences and evolve. Although it can be challenging if you're working long hours, commuting, going to school, caring for small children, or juggling a combination of these responsibilities, I typically encourage everyone to practice for at least an hour a day. The more time you can dedicate, the faster you will progress, and the greater the results you’ll achieve.

A big part of the problem for many of us is that we have internalized so much stress and distressing emotions such as hurt, sadness and anger—along with the beliefs and values of others, and that leaves us profoundly disconnected from ourselves. As you work consistently with this practice, digesting your lived experiences and emotional responses, you develop a more intimate relationship with yourself, facilitating greater understanding and self-awareness. Through this process, you begin to integrate the various aspects of yourself, bridging the gaps within. This inner work also creates a bridge between yourself and others, allowing you to experience deeper, more fulfilling, and more intimate connections with those who truly resonate with you.

Feel free to reach out to me if you'd like to learn more about the series of intensive meditation practices I'm teaching. Working consistently with these practices will greatly accelerate your progress. Consistent practice will also enable you to get so much more out of any therapeutic interventions you're making use of, accelerating both your healing and your personal evolution.

Making Consistent Use of the Most Effective Therapeutic Interventions

The series of intensive meditation practices I’ve developed has played—and continues to play—a crucial role in my ongoing journey, enabling me to make significant progress along the way and facilitating healing that wouldn’t have occurred otherwise. Yet, there were also times when I found myself hitting a wall. Committed to doing whatever it takes to heal, I began exploring any therapeutic interventions that held promise.

I’ve explored so many different kinds of therapeutic interventions and have continued with those I found to be most effective. Again, consistency is crucial here. So many people, if they do any practice at all, will do it once or a few times and then stop or be very sporadic about it. Maybe they’ll work with me or try various other therapeutic interventions once or twice and then disappear. You’ll never see any real progress if you approach healing that way. For instance, when I’ve done sessions of deep tissue bodywork, I’ll do a succession—three, five, or more if I can. In August and September of 2024, I did a series of fifty-seven sensory deprivation flotation sessions. When I’ve had the opportunity to work with people who’ve done four, five, or more of the individual healing sessions within a week or two, they’ve experienced far more powerful results.

In my mid to late twenties, I had the opportunity to work with a few gifted healers, including one from Brazil and another from the Philippines. With each session, I could feel myself digesting past traumas, the relational drama that was my life at the time, along with the sadness, grief, fears of abandonment, and other painful emotions. These sessions also helped me to dissolve my unhealthy attachments to women or relationships that were not working so I could finally let go. I could always sense the incremental gains from these sessions. The problem was that I often had to wait months and even years between sessions because there are so few gifted healers working on these deeper levels.

At one point, while spending time in Sri Lanka, a friend told me about the Buddhist monk Gnanasumana Thero, known throughout the country for his healing gifts. Once I found out where he was located, I began making nightly pilgrimages to the center where he saw patients. Determined to do whatever it took to heal my attachment wounds, I completed fourteen sessions in the remaining weeks I was in Sri Lanka and did another twelve sessions when I returned four months later. The back-to-back sessions facilitated a much-needed breakthrough. Around that time, I connected with a Sri Lankan woman, and although we didn’t stay together, our relationship became an important step in my healing journey.

There have been so many instances when people like Mattia, Luis, or Eliana come to see me—they only do one or a few sessions and then disappear. The problem is that the emotional wounding is so extensive, and one, two or even three sessions only scratch the surface. In times past, many gifted healers could be found among the Native Americans and other indigenous peoples, but it’s now very rare to encounter anyone with these capabilities. Whenever I heard about a gifted healer, I would jump at the opportunity to work with them, and I encourage you to do the same if you truly want to see results. If you happen upon a gifted healer, such as myself, I recommend committing to doing at least ten sessions.

Around the time I turned thirty, I felt a strong pull to return to the Wichita Mountains to go on the vision quest—a traditional Native American healing practice that involves fasting alone for four days and nights without food or water. During my apprenticeship, my mentor, Horace Daukei—one of the last surviving traditional doctors among the Kiowa Tribe—had me go through the vision quest as he transferred portions of his healing gifts to me.

There are moments during the vision quest when I go through something akin to a near-death experience. Past traumas and other deeply wounding events, and entire periods of my life often flash rapidly through my awareness, accompanied by the emotions, sensations, and sensory impressions tied to those experiences. In these moments, I can feel an extraordinarily powerful presence helping me digest these lived experiences and emotional responses. Since 1993, I have been returning to the Wichita Mountains to go on the vision quest in both the spring and fall.

Cultivating a More Intimate Relationship with Yourself

The deep emotional wounds that carried over from my childhood and adolescence—the painful reenactments, stress, and emotions I held within my body—were creating immense barriers to intimacy. In many ways, I was disconnected from these deeply wounded parts of myself, and that disconnection was being reflected back to me in my attempts to form intimate relationships—and in all my relationships, for that matter. The more I’ve been able to heal and integrate these deeply wounded parts of myself, the more intimate my relationship with myself has become. I now see that reflected in the quality of the relationships I have with others.

It concerns me to see people like Mattia, Luis, and Eliana so deeply wounded, so disconnected, with so much stress and so many distressing emotions and traumas trapped within their bodies, without the understanding or resources necessary to facilitate healing. Even if they managed to connect with someone who was truly a wonderful match, their traumatic wounds and the emotional burdens they carry would prevent them from being fully present. There would still be profound gaps, and the emotional wounding would inevitably express itself as some form of dysfunction within their relationship.

This is why it’s so important for all of us to face these issues head-on and make consistent use of the most effective practices and therapeutic interventions—to help us digest our lived experiences and the emotional responses tied to them. As we heal the deeply wounded parts of ourselves, these parts are transformed and evolve. As we integrate them, we develop a more intimate relationship with ourselves. It’s not like we do it once and we’re done—the process I’ve been describing is ongoing. With each step forward, this ongoing work greatly increases our capacity to love and be loved—and to co-create more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.

©Copyright 2024 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.

When you’re ready, I have 3 ways I can help you to heal your heartache and attract more love into your life and cocreate more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.
1. Click here to grab your free copy of my eBook – The Essentials Of Getting Over Your Breakup And Moving On
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3. Work with me individually: Are you experiencing chronic health issues that no one has been able to help you with? Are you dealing with persistent emotions that are taking you out of the game of life? Are you in the midst of a breakup, struggling with patterns of abandonment or unrequited love, or facing challenges in your current relationship? Ready to break through existing limitations and unearth the inner resources you need to overcome challenges and realize your true potential? If any of these resonate with you and you're seeking personalized guidance and support, and would like to work directly with me, email me at ben@benoofana.com. For a faster response, call me at (332) 333-5155.