A friend of mine recently experienced what felt like the beginning of a real connection with a woman. She was sending him flurries of text messages, and they had started spending time together. There was a sense of closeness—a feeling that something meaningful might be developing between them. Then, out of nowhere, she sent him a strange message: “I have to find myself by being alone.”

I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of flakiness too—meeting a woman, spending time together, and feeling like there was a genuine connection. Then, suddenly, she stopped responding to my messages. Weeks later, I finally heard from her, only for her to disappear again without a word.

To be fair, men are just as guilty of this flaky ass behavior. Women friends and those I’ve worked with have, on many occasions, shared their own stories of men flaking on them.

These relationships, though often brief, can be especially intense and have a lasting impact. You may feel like you’ve found the love of your life … your soulmate. You start imagining a future together, maybe even marriage. At first, the connection feels so deep, but then things begin to get strange. They take forever to respond to texts or calls—or stop responding altogether. Their ambiguity can be maddening, and their sudden withdrawal leaves you feeling hurt, angry, confused, and emotionally drained.

When we first get together with these individuals, it feels like we have this amazing connection. They seem fully present, but they can’t sustain it. Many people carry deep emotional wounds that limit their capacity to give and receive love. It’s important to understand that the deeper the trauma or emotional wounding, the more likely they are to be ambiguous, incongruent, and confusing in their behavior.

Sometimes, there’s simply a lack of resonance. Maybe the other person likes us or got caught up in their own fleeting desires to be physically intimate with us but doesn’t feel the need or desire for a deeper connection.

Sometimes the person withdraws, only to return at a later time. I know of many instances where that happened, and the two people ended up in a long-term relationship. But don’t count on it—it’s best to step back and allow yourself to let go. If that person does come back at some point, you can reassess then.

Left Hanging: Making Sense of Emotional Withdrawal and Ghosting

When someone drops out of your life, it can trigger obsessive thoughts—confusion, a sense of unfinished business, feelings of loss, regret, or guilt. You might find yourself feeling at fault, as if you did something wrong, wondering what you should or shouldn’t have said or done, all because the relationship didn’t work out. We compare ourselves—our love life, or lack thereof—to those who are happily partnered, leaving us feeling bad about ourselves because we’re not.

This kind of relational dynamic often involves an individual who is emotionally conflicted. While not everyone who behaves this way has an avoidant attachment style, they may still exhibit avoidant tendencies. It can feel especially frustrating and confusing when it seems like we’re connecting deeply with someone, only for that person to suddenly distance themselves or completely vanish without a clear explanation. Here’s a breakdown of what might be going on:

Avoidant Attachment or Fear of Intimacy

Some people long for connection but struggle when relationships become more emotionally intimate than they can comfortably handle. At first, they may seem open and engaged, but as the intimacy deepens, they begin to feel overwhelmed and pull away to regain emotional control. Statements like ‘I need to find myself by being alone' often reflect emotional vulnerability they aren’t fully aware of and all those emotions running around on the inside that they don’t have the capacity to process.

Emotional Ambivalence or Conflicted Feelings

The flakiness I described at the beginning of this article may stem from feeling emotionally conflicted. At first, this person may have genuinely felt excitement and interest, but as deeper emotions surfaced, fear, anxiety, confusion, and uncertainty about what they wanted might have taken over. This push-pull dynamic is common among those carrying unresolved emotional baggage or who are afraid of being hurt.

Situational Issues or Past Trauma

Sometimes, personal challenges, such as unresolved trauma, depression, or previous toxic relationships, and other drama playing out in their lives can make people behave inconsistently. They may feel drawn to connect with us but suddenly hit a mental or emotional roadblock that makes them pull away. Ghosting becomes a way for them to avoid emotional discomfort or confrontation.

Commitment Avoidance or Doubts about Compatibility

Some individuals pursue emotional connections quickly but later become squeamish about the relationship’s direction. They might enjoy the initial excitement of connecting with us but, when things start to feel serious, realize they aren’t ready or don’t see the relationship lasting long-term. What often happens is that they don’t know how to manage their own feelings—and, as a result, don’t know how to communicate their uncertainty—leading to sudden withdrawal or ghosting.

FOMO or Distraction from Other Connections

In a world dominated by matchmaking apps and social media, flakiness has become the standard operating procedure for many, and the fear of missing out on other potential partners only adds to it. They may connect briefly with us, only to lose interest when another option presents itself, reflecting the superficiality of dating in the age of dating apps.

How to Approach Situations Like This

It can be a devastating blow to our self-esteem, reinforcing our sense of being unlovable or even defective when the person we thought we had a connection with distances themselves or disappears. It's so important for us not to take it personally. The mixed messages, ambiguity, and flakiness are often reflections of the other person’s internal conflicts rather than a judgment on us.

When someone is distancing, disappearing, or just being flaky, it can be helpful—if or when the opportunity presents itself—to communicate honestly and openly, expressing our feelings and asking for clarity. While this might not change the outcome, it can provide some sense of closure. I’ve often asked myself, “What do I need to say to this person?” Once I know I’ve said what needs to be said, I find it easier to let go.

If we keep encountering romantic interests and other people who display the same kinds of behaviors, it’s important to evaluate the types of individuals and connections we’re drawn to and how they align with our needs for emotional intimacy. Flakiness has, in many ways, become a part of modern-day culture, making it something we’re bound to encounter. Yet these patterns often reflect the deep emotional wounds we have yet to heal. Dealing with these dynamics in our search for love can be frustrating but recognizing them as a reflection of our emotional wounding—and taking the necessary steps to facilitate healing—allows us to navigate relationships with greater clarity and emotional balance.

Processing Love, Loss, and All the Lingering Feelings

For those of us struggling with an insecure attachment style and who have suffered repeated experiences of abandonment, the pain can be extraordinarily intense, ripping open our deepest and most agonizing emotional wounds. We find ourselves consumed by overwhelming feelings of anxiety and the constant fear of loss. The pain we experience can be excruciating, the emotional equivalent of being tortured.

For some, the pattern of meeting someone, getting to know them, growing close—only for the other person to suddenly pull away without explanation—repeats itself, often with devastating consequences.

Those of us who truly want connection are operating from a basic need—to love and be loved—and are seeking consistency. Fearing loss, we reach out in an attempt to hold on, trying to stabilize the connection. Yet, our fears and insecurities inevitably push the very person we want to hold on to even further away.

In our attempt to make sense of the chaos, we retreat into our heads, as if thinking it through could somehow give us control over the person we’ve grown attached to or the situation itself. But our obsessive thoughts only amplify our anxiety and intensify our need for the other person. In these moments, it becomes critically important to step back and ask ourselves, “What are the deepest feelings behind all this relational drama?” We need to fully open up and immerse our awareness in the depths of the pain, fear, anxiety, confusion, or whatever emotions are surfacing. It’s essential to go to where these feelings are located within our bodies, breathing softly and deeply, and following them as they unfold and progress.

The loss of a love—whether through breakup, divorce, being left for someone else, or ghosting—can stay with us for a long time. In the early stages, we feel the acute pain of loss, but even long afterward, there may still be a lingering sadness, a longing, or a sense of emptiness. Again, we need to go to where these feelings reside within the body, breathing deeply from the depths of those emotions. We may need to continue to work with this practice for quite some time, as these feelings can sometimes linger indefinitely.

The Journey from Loss to Love

It can be extraordinarily painful when you feel like you’re finally connecting with someone—you’re thinking to yourself, “I finally found love, someone special”—only for that person to disappear, leaving you back at zero, with a horribly empty void. Yet, it’s important to see this as an opportunity to heal and grow. So many of us are carrying profoundly deep emotional wounds, and those individuals who show up in our lives and then disappear often bring us face-to-face with these wounds. Despite the suffering, it’s essential to use these experiences as an opportunity to connect with our deepest emotional pain and access the deeper layers of emotion held within the body. As we learn to effectively digest our experiences of love, loss, and the emotions that follow, these wounded parts of us begin to heal and evolve.

As we heal, we become more secure in ourselves, connected to our inner core—our source within. We grow less needy, no longer dependent upon another person for our emotional well-being or sense of worth. We stop personalizing their words, actions, lack of interest, or failure to reciprocate.

As you progress on your healing journey, you'll develop a healthy sense of detachment. For instance, you find someone attractive, yet you can also feel their emotional wounding, sense the lack of maturity, and recognize their limited capacity to sustain any kind of meaningful connection. You can be friendly and open—maybe even build a friendship with this person—while still maintaining a healthy distance. Or you may choose to let it go and walk away.

Talking with a friend or therapist can help us make sense of what we’ve gone through and sort through our feelings. Psychotherapy is an important part of the healing journey for many of us, offering valuable insights and support. The challenge, however, is that while this process may provide intellectual understanding, it’s easy to get stuck in our heads—and the deep emotional wounds can remain unhealed.

Getting deep tissue massage can help bring sadness, grief, and other painful emotions to the surface, allowing us to process them. While these emotions can be quite uncomfortable, it's essential to access and thoroughly digest them so we can heal, let go, and move on.

Having trained with a traditional Native American doctor (medicine man), my mentor Horace Daukei transmitted portions of his own healing gifts to me and then had me go through the vision quest—a practice that involves fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. During the vision quest, I could feel an extraordinarily powerful presence working within my body, transforming my history of painful relational drama and all the emotions tied to it, while building a new foundation that has enabled me to attract healthier companions and co-create more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.

The vision quest is too intense for most people, but those who have the opportunity to work with me individually experience the same kind of transformation. They heal from the devastation of breakups, being ghosted, and other heartrending dramas, are able to let go, bounce back, and, in many instances, attract a truly wonderful companion into their lives.

I'm offering individual sessions in person or by phone. Click this link to message me or call and leave a message at (332) 333-5155 when you're ready to take the next step along your healing journey.

©Copyright 2024 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.

When you’re ready, I have 3 ways I can help you to heal your heartache and attract more love into your life and cocreate more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.
1. Click here to grab your free copy of my eBook – The Essentials Of Getting Over Your Breakup And Moving On
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3. Work with me individually: Are you experiencing chronic health issues that no one has been able to help you with? Are you dealing with persistent emotions that are taking you out of the game of life? Are you in the midst of a breakup, struggling with patterns of abandonment or unrequited love, or facing challenges in your current relationship? Ready to break through existing limitations and unearth the inner resources you need to overcome challenges and realize your true potential? If any of these resonate with you and you're seeking personalized guidance and support, and would like to work directly with me, email me at ben@benoofana.com. For a faster response, call me at (332) 333-5155.