Stephan (a composite of individuals I have known and worked with) is so much in his head, largely because he has spent most of his life numbing himself to his emotions. In some ways, he's quite intelligent, yet shutting down emotionally has made him dense, almost obtuse, as it has disengaged parts of his brain to varying degrees. He ‘blabberates' in long, drawn-out monologues that leave you feeling as though you’ve given a quart of blood.
Stephan's incessant talking is a compensation for his emotional disconnection—an attempt to fill the void created by his lack of connection to his own inner sustenance. He uses way more words than necessary to make up for what he’s missing internally. The result? He leaves people feeling drained and exhausted.
Over the years, many people who have numbed themselves to their own emotions have come to my classes or worked with me individually. During the meditations I conducted in my weekly classes, when I had others deeply connected to their feelings and physical bodies, processing their lived experiences and emotional responses, those who were emotionally numb often veered off into storytelling or distraction. In doing so, they would derail the meditation, pulling everyone else out of that deep state. I had to bring the person who was so numb to their emotions back to the present moment. I’d say, “Can you feel the shoes on your feet? Can you feel the chair supporting your body…right? Okay, then focus on that.
People who have shut down emotionally have been, for me, the most difficult to work with. Since they have numbed themselves so completely to their emotions, they—unlike the vast majority of those I work with—don’t feel much of anything and therefore don’t recognize the changes that are taking place as a result of the individual sessions. I end up having to work so much harder to connect the dots for them. The stresses and emotions held within their bodies make them so much more dense, unmalleable, and non-responsive. Take Stephan, for instance—his incessant mental activity and talking literally suck the life force right out of his body; his abdominal region feels dead. Yet, after a few sessions done on consecutive days, I can feel the visceral organs coming back to life.
Most people who have numbed themselves to the point of lacking awareness of their emotions tend to drop off quickly. But for those who follow through with the individual sessions, their awareness of their own feelings and bodily sensations increases dramatically. Their emotional range expands, and they begin to experience profound shifts in the quality of their relationships. They become more present, open, and vulnerable, engaging on a much deeper level. With this heightened self-awareness, they also become more attuned to their own needs. A deeper, passionate drive awakens within them, bringing clarity, direction, and a renewed sense of purpose to their lives.
The Paradox of Emotional Numbing
By numbing emotionally, it may feel as though we’ve found refuge from the storm, a place where we can shelter ourselves from hurt, fear, and vulnerability. But in building these walls, we're not just shutting out the realities of our lives and what we're feeling in response to them; we're also shutting out all that can nourish us that life has to offer us as well. We become strangers to our own lives, disconnected from both the pain we seek to avoid and the joy we yearn to feel. In the effort to escape suffering, we trade away our ability to experience the most beautiful moments of our lives. Emotional numbing isn’t just a strategy for survival; it’s a slow withdrawal from everything that makes us truly alive. This is the tragedy of emotional numbing—not that it spares us from feeling too much, but that it leaves us feeling so very little.
Emotional numbing is the brain’s way of shutting down or dulling not only intense emotions but any feelings at all—a protective response that often arises in reaction to trauma, chronic stress, or prolonged emotional pain. It’s a coping mechanism that allows us to distance ourselves from overwhelming feelings when they become too much to bear. For those of us who have experienced significant loss, abuse, or the kind of stress that grinds away at the soul day after day, numbing out can seem like the only way to survive. In this state, our mind draws a heavy curtain over the emotions, muffling both the highs and lows in an attempt to shield us from suffering. While this reaction may initially serve as a buffer against emotional overload, it often becomes a barrier to fully engaging with life. Over time, what begins as a form of self-protection can transform into a prison, trapping us in a place of disconnection from our own feelings, our bodies, and the people around us.
The Mechanism of Emotional Numbing
Emotional numbing functions as a defense mechanism, a psychological shield that the mind deploys to protect itself from the overwhelming impact of pain, trauma, or stress. When emotions threaten to flood the system, the brain responds by dialing down its sensitivity, numbing our feelings to create a sense of safety and distance. Central to this process are key brain regions like the amygdala, which triggers emotional responses; the prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation; the hippocampus, which links emotions to memory; and the insula, which connects us to our bodily sensations and self-awareness. Under the constant strain of stress, the brain's hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis activates, releasing cortisol in response to perceived threats. Over time, this persistent cortisol release can impair the functioning of these brain regions, hindering their ability to process emotions effectively. This chronic state of stress not only numbs us to pain but also limits our ability to experience joy, making emotional shutdown feel like a refuge that ultimately isolates us from the full spectrum of our humanity.
The Emotional Void: What Happens When We Numb Out
When we're numbing out emotionally, we're actively creating a profound void within ourselves—a disconnect from our own feelings, our physical bodies and sensations, and the authenticity of our lived experiences. This self-imposed distance leaves us adrift, unable to fully engage with the present moment or recognize the subtleties of our own emotional landscape. Emotional numbing often leads to anhedonia, a state in which the joy and fulfillment we once found in life become dull and muted, as if a veil has been drawn over our capacity to feel. Even the moments that should inspire and enliven us—spending time with friends, the warmth and affection of an intimate bond, or expressing ourselves creatively—lose their color and vibrancy. Over time, this emotional shutdown can erode our sense of identity, leaving us alienated from who we once were. It’s as though we’ve become spectators in our own lives, watching from the sidelines as the richness of our existence has somehow evaporated, leaving us yearning for a deeper connection that seems just out of reach.
The Impact on Relationships
Emotional numbing builds an invisible wall, acting like a layer of Plexiglas that separates us from those we care about, making it difficult for us to experience true intimacy, vulnerability, or connection in our relationships. When we shut down emotionally, our ability to express love, to experience empathy, or genuinely care for the wellbeing of others diminishes. It's as if we’re speaking through a filter that mutes all the warmth and tenderness we might otherwise feel. This emotional distance often contributes to misunderstandings, leaving our partners, friends, or family members feeling unheard, unloved, or even rejected. The impact doesn’t stop with us; our emotional withdrawal creates a ripple effect that spreads to those around us, triggering their own feelings of isolation, confusion, or hurt. Over time, these patterns can perpetuate a cycle of disconnection, where everyone involved retreats further into their own emotional shells, struggling to bridge the gap that numbing has left in its wake.
The Brain Under Siege: How Emotional Numbing Alters Neuroplasticity
Chronic emotional numbing doesn't just suppress our feelings; it actually rewires our brain’s neural pathways, resulting in diminished activity in critical areas like the prefrontal cortex, amygdala, and hippocampus. These regions, which play vital roles in our decision-making, emotional processing, and memory, begin to function less effectively as our brain adapts to this state of constant disconnection. What we're witnessing here is the dark side of neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to adapt to new patterns, even unhealthy ones. Over time, these changes become deeply ingrained, making it increasingly difficult for us to access or re-engage with our emotions, even when we want to. The unfortunate consequences of our emotional numbing are impaired emotional regulation, reduced cognitive flexibility, and a weakened ability to process both our lived experiences and emotional responses. As our emotional intelligence diminishes, we find ourselves struggling to understand not just our own feelings but also the feelings of others, leaving us trapped in a state of perpetual emotional stagnation.
Other Consequences of Suppressed Emotion
When we suppress our emotions, it leads to rigidity—we lose our flexibility, both in body and mind. Our thoughts become fixated, stuck in the same limiting patterns, making it difficult to break free and create meaningful change. This rigidity makes it so much harder for us to learn, to flow, and to adapt to the inevitable changes that life brings our way. We lose that spark, the momentum, and passion that drives us forward. Enthusiasm fades, and with it, the openness, curiosity, and willingness to explore what life has to offer. Our world begins to shrink, and we become narrow-minded, closed off to new experiences and possibilities.
The stresses and unprocessed emotions we hold onto don’t just disappear; they accumulate within our bodies, creating a heavy, congestive residue. For most people, the largest accumulation of stagnation is in the abdomen. These accumulated stresses and emotions also form layers of muscular armor—areas of chronic tension that we carry in our backs, necks, shoulders, and other parts of our bodies. Over time, these physical manifestations of our numbed out and frozen emotions become a prison, limiting our movement, draining our vitality, and diminishing our capacity to fully engage with life.
The Role of Society and Culture in Emotional Numbing
Modern society and culture play a significant role in fueling emotional numbing, often desensitizing us to our own feelings through the many ways we self-medicate. We numb ourselves by overeating—consuming heavily processed foods with artificial ingredients and refined sugars—along with our use of tobacco, alcohol and other recreational drugs, and the prescription medications we take to quell anxiety and deaden the pain. Adding to this is the relentless consumption of media and short-form content that bombards us with quick, superficial bites of information. Digital media and our smartphones and other devices amplify this tendency, with their emphasis on instant gratification and constant distraction, pulling us away from the slow, introspective processes required to truly understand and feel our inner world. The more we depend on technology to entertain us and provide some semblance of connection to others and the world around us, the more we drift from our own emotional landscapes, leaving us detached from the richness of our human experience. Having anesthetized ourselves, we inevitably lose touch with our capacity for deep emotional engagement, becoming numb not only to the distressing realities of our lives but also to that which could nourish and inspire us.
Social norms only reinforce this disconnection—both within ourselves and with others—promoting a culture where vulnerability is often seen as weakness and emotional expression is discouraged in favor of “maintaining appearances” or “keeping it together.” As a result, we learn to suppress our emotions rather than feel, express, and process them, locking ourselves in a state of perpetual emotional avoidance.
The overwhelming demands of our modern world only add to this struggle, pushing many of us further into states of emotional numbness. Long hours at work, lengthy commutes, financial pressures, and the constant juggling of responsibilities leave little room for rest or self-reflection. Many of us are also caring for children or other loved ones, stretching ourselves thin as we try to meet the needs of those around us. Sleep is often sacrificed in the process, as we run on empty, just trying to keep up with the relentless pace of life.
Healing from Emotional Numbing
The true path to healing lies in allowing ourselves to feel the full spectrum of our emotions—joy, sorrow, anger, fear, and everything in between—without turning away. It’s through embracing even the uncomfortable emotions that we begin to transform and heal.
Because of the abuses I suffered during my childhood and adolescence, I became incredibly desensitized to my own emotional responses. My emotions and bodily sensations barely registered, and I wasn’t all that present in my body. Yet, the trauma and painful emotions trapped within fueled my destructive patterns of forming attachments to women who were uninterested, unavailable, and sometimes abusive. Though the experience was excruciatingly painful and stirred fears of abandonment, I couldn't access or process the underlying emotions, leaving me trapped in a cycle of reenactment, emotionally tortured, and destined to repeat the same patterns even when I tried to let go.
Difficult as it was, I had to train myself to feel—to fully experience my emotional responses whenever and wherever they arose. When repeated experiences of unrequited love and abandonment brought forth the worst emotional pain imaginable, I instinctively began to breathe softly and deeply from the depths of those emotions. The pain would intensify, becoming excruciating, until it eventually broke open, releasing from my body in waves. As that happened, I began to feel a comforting warmth flowing from within, accompanied by a growing sense of connectedness to a higher power.
There were times when I’d get emotionally triggered by someone—a comment, an action, or some interaction or event. I’d feel the powerful emotions rising, but I couldn’t sustain the connection; it was as if those feelings suddenly evaporated, leaving me numb. I had to make a concerted effort to keep bringing my awareness back to that person, situation, and any sensation or feeling in my body, no matter how slight. Over time, as I continued with this practice, not only did my self-awareness grow, but my ability to access my emotional responses and my ‘processing capacity'—my ability to digest my lived experiences and emotions—increased.
As I continued to explore my inner universe, I made a daily practice of sitting in a comfortable position with my eyes closed, bringing to mind any pressing issue or concern, any situation, or any interaction I had with another individual. I would then breathe softly and deeply into any feelings or bodily sensations that arose.
There were many times when I experienced only sensations within my body—tightness or tension, fatigue, tingling, warmth, and sometimes heat in my chest or abdomen, a pulsing, my heartbeat, a sense of heaviness, or digestive activity in my intestines. At other moments, I felt an openness, spaciousness, a sense of melting or softening as the layers of tension dissolved, and even subtle feelings of energy or movement, like a gentle wave flowing through me. These sensations varied in intensity, shifting as I continued to breathe into them. I followed these sensations through their progression, finding that breathing into them made my emotions more accessible, bringing whatever I was holding in my body to the surface. Sometimes these emotions arose during my practice, while other times they surfaced later that day or in the following days.
As I became more adept at the sitting practice, I made a concerted effort to stay connected to what I was feeling in my body—breathing into any sensations or emotions that arose while I was walking, driving, interacting with others, even in the midst of a conversation. I carried this awareness into anything I was doing, weaving it into my everyday life.
Gaps In Our Awareness
Despite the fact that I was doing all this practice, there were still significant gaps in my awareness. Because of that, some of the dysfunctional patterns continued to persist. Yet, determined to do whatever it took to heal, I was willing to try out any therapeutic intervention within reason that held promise.
Lived experiences that we are not able to digest, along with our emotional responses to them, remain trapped within the body. The various forms of deep tissue bodywork, whether therapeutic massage or Rolfing, would bring the stresses and emotions held within the body up to the surface. Once they did, I would breathe into any feelings that arose.
In my late twenties, when I had the opportunity to work with a few gifted healers, I could feel the emotions trapped within my body—emotions that had been the driving force behind the dysfunctional patterns causing me so much pain and influencing my words and actions—being transmuted. I would often experience these emotions very powerfully during and after the sessions.
My mentor, Horace Daukei, one of the last surviving traditional doctors (medicine men) among the Kiowa Tribe, transmitted portions of his own healing gifts to me and then had me go on vision quests to earn the right to work with these gifts of healing. The vision quest, a traditional Native American healing practice, involves fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. Parts of the vision quest have, in many ways, felt like a near-death experience. At times, I could feel other forces or beings descend into my body. In these moments, portions of my life would flash before my eyes—I would vividly relive past traumas and other events of my life, many of which I had either forgotten or only vaguely remembered—flooded with the emotions tied to these traumas and events. I could feel myself ‘digesting' these lived experiences and my emotional responses.
As I emerged from the other side of the healing sessions and vision quests, I often found more of the emotions that had been held within my body coming to the surface. As I continued to work through these emotions, I felt lighter, more resilient, with greater resources available to me.
With my sensitivity increasing, I could see and feel the stresses and traumas, along with the residue of all the unprocessed emotions held within the bodies of others. Like the traditional Native American doctors and other indigenous healers, I serve as a conduit, allowing an extraordinarily powerful presence to work through me to facilitate healing within the bodies and minds of those I work with. During the individual healing sessions, the stresses, traumas, and unprocessed emotions held within the body are transformed, enabling them to be digested and utilized as fuel for growth.
Rediscovering the Beauty of Vulnerability
Rediscovering our vulnerability is about reclaiming one of our greatest strengths—the courage to feel deeply and authentically. In a world that often equates vulnerability with weakness, we must reframe it as one of the most powerful means through which we can truly heal and transform ourselves. It’s in our willingness to be open, raw, and real that we find true connection, both with ourselves and with others. When we dare to let down our defenses and embrace our emotions, it expands our potential for more meaningful relationships, creating space for trust, empathy, and genuine intimacy. Allowing ourselves to truly experience our authentic emotional responses not only deepens our bonds with those around us, but also leads to a more vibrant, fulfilling, and engaging life. Our vulnerability is not a wound to be hidden, but a doorway to the most profound experiences that make us fully alive.
The Path Forward: Embracing Life in Its Full Spectrum
The path forward from emotional numbing is about embracing life in all its complexity, with the courage to feel and the strength to stay present, even in the midst of discomfort. By doing so, we cultivate the resilience that allows us to navigate life’s challenges without retreating into numbness.
Building resilience means developing the capacity to digest our lived experiences and emotional responses. It’s also about cultivating self-compassion and healthy coping skills and a big part of that involves learning to work effectively with our emotions. This journey is about relearning to trust ourselves—believing in our ability to face and handle life as it comes, along with our emotional responses, no matter how intense or overwhelming they may seem. Committing to this path means continuously striving to understand ourselves, embracing the full spectrum of our experiences, and letting every emotion—joy, pain, love, or sorrow—be a teacher guiding us toward a richer, more authentic life.
We all, to some extent, have numbed ourselves and disconnected from our emotions. As a result, we hold traumas, stresses, and unprocessed emotions within our bodies, along with the impressions of our lived experiences that we haven't yet fully digested. Yet, it’s crucial to recognize that no matter how distant or disconnected we may feel, the path to emotional connection, exhilaration, and fulfillment is always within reach. It starts with a choice—a choice to feel, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and to embrace life’s complexity with openness. This journey of reconnection is both a courageous and transformative act that brings us back to the richness of our own human experience.
©Copyright 2024 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.
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