Most of us know couples who met online. Two such couples come to mind: one met on Match in the early days of online dating. Like all couples, they've had their challenges, but in many ways, they are ideal for one another. They have a son who will be graduating from high school soon. Another couple I know met on Hinge, including a guy who had never had a serious relationship before and his partner, whose previous relationships were not great. Spending time with them has been a real joy, seeing how they complement each other and enjoy being together. Neither of these couples would have ever met without the help of dating apps.

We’re living in a culture and at a time in history where many of us are finding it extraordinarily difficult to meet someone and cultivate any kind of meaningful connection. The examples I shared exemplify why it’s so important for us to keep ourselves open to any approach that can increase our likelihood of finding love. On the other hand, what concerns me most is that many people have become so reliant upon these dating apps that meeting someone in real life is no longer seen as an option.

An Unhealthy Dependence

There's nothing wrong with using dating apps to provide us with additional options. Yet it's unfortunate and also sadly pathetic that so many of us have become so reliant upon these apps. These platforms, while convenient, are also creating barriers between us and other individuals in our immediate proximity with whom we could be connecting. Many of us feel we need a digital interface or have become so accustomed to swiping left or right that we've forgotten—or never learned—how to engage with people we encounter daily, the individuals who share our physical spaces and communities.

Our reliance on digital platforms for dating reflects a deeper issue: our growing inability to interact with the people around us. Whether we're sitting in a coffee shop, selecting produce at a market or waiting in line to check out, or commuting to work, countless opportunities for genuine connection present themselves to us. Yet so many of us are missing out because our heads are buried in our phones, our mindsets guarded, and our walls up. We've lost touch with the magic of catching someone's eye, feeling that spark of mutual interest, and engaging in conversation.

In real-life encounters, there's an authenticity and immediacy that simply cannot be replicated through a screen. The nuances of body language, the tone of voice, the spontaneous laughter—these are elements that have the potential to create profound and lasting connections. When we rely solely on dating apps, we're missing out on these vital aspects of human interaction.

Engaging with people in real life allows us to build confidence and improve our social skills. It encourages us to step out of our comfort zones and embrace the vulnerability that comes with face-to-face interactions. These experiences are crucial for our personal growth and for developing deeper, more meaningful relationships.

By prioritizing real-life over digital interactions, we can rediscover the joy of authentic connection. We can learn to appreciate the beauty of the serendipitous moments that occur when we are fully present in our surroundings. Instead of viewing the people around us as mere background noise, we can start seeing them as potential friends, companions, or even life partners.

The Disadvantages of Dating Apps for Some

While dating apps can be effective for some, particularly those who are conventionally attractive, tall, and of a certain body type, they are far from perfect. For many, these platforms can be a source of frustration and disappointment. Profiles that don't meet the often superficial criteria are less likely to receive attention or responses. This creates a significant disadvantage for those of us who may not fit the conventional standards of beauty but have much to offer in terms of personality, character, and depth.

On the other hand, those of us who may not perform well on dating apps often find that we fare much better in real-life encounters. In-person meetings provide an opportunity for our true selves to shine through, beyond the constraints of a curated online profile. When someone has the chance to engage with us face-to-face, they can experience our inner strength and beauty, depth and insight, sense of humor, and other unique attributes—qualities that are often overshadowed in the digital realm.

In real-life interactions, we can establish a connection that goes far beyond surface-level attraction. The opportunity to engage in meaningful conversation, share experiences, and build rapport increases the likelihood of forming a genuine bond. This connection is much harder to achieve through the brief and often superficial interactions facilitated by dating apps.

Even when meeting in real life, we still encounter other people's biases, yet there's a greater likelihood of overcoming the limitations often posed by digital platforms, giving ourselves a greater opportunity to be seen and appreciated for who we truly are. That not only enhances our chances of finding a compatible partner but also enriches our social lives by facilitating more authentic and meaningful connections.

Reality Versus Expectation Gap

One of the common pitfalls of dating apps is the discrepancy between people's online personas and who they are in real-life. People often portray themselves as something they’re not—whether it’s being younger or older, slimmer, single, having attained a higher level of education, being a physician or some other professional, or making far more money than they actually do. The carefully curated photos and profiles often set unrealistic expectations that can lead to disappointment and frustration during the initial meeting.

Dating apps allow people to present an idealized version of themselves. Through selective photo choices, flattering angles, and sometimes even photo editing or filters, users can create an image that may not accurately represent their true appearance. This can result in a significant gap between how someone appears online and how they look in real life.

When people finally meet in person, the reality often doesn’t match the expectation set by the online profile. This discrepancy can lead to an immediate sense of disappointment and frustration. Instead of the excitement and fun that should accompany a first date, there can be a sense of being misled or deceived, which can overshadow the entire interaction.

Our expectations heavily influence our emotional responses. When reality falls short of these expectations, it’s natural to feel disappointed. In the context of dating, this can prevent genuine connections from forming because the focus shifts from getting to know the person to reconciling the differences between expectation and reality.

Meeting in real life from the outset eliminates this expectation gap. Authentic, face-to-face interactions provide a more accurate and realistic impression of a person, allowing connections to form based on genuine attributes rather than curated online profiles. This authenticity facilitates a more honest and meaningful connection, reducing the risk of disappointment and enhancing the potential for true connection.

While it's true that some people lie or misrepresent themselves in person, it's easier to pick up on those signals during face-to-face interactions. Nonverbal cues, body language, and immediate responses help in identifying inconsistencies and building a more genuine understanding of the other person.

The Limitations of Online Communication

Non-verbal communication is a critical component of how we understand and connect with others, especially in the context of dating and forming intimate attachments. UCLA professor and behavioral psychologist Albert Mehrabian concluded that 93% of communication is non-verbal. According to his research, 55% of communication is body language, 38% is tone of voice, and only 7% is the actual words spoken.

Whether it's a person we're meeting for the first time or someone we've been dating for a while, body language conveys a wealth of information that can indicate their feelings, intentions, and level of engagement. Gestures, posture, and movements all play a crucial role. For example, leaning in slightly can show interest and attraction, while a tense or guarded posture might signal defensiveness or discomfort. In face-to-face interactions, we constantly read and respond to these subtle cues, helping us to better understand and connect with the person we're dating or wanting to get to know. The way someone sits, stands, or moves can reveal how comfortable they are and how much they are enjoying our company.

Facial expressions are another crucial aspect of non-verbal communication. A smile, a flat facial expression, or avoidance of eye contact can convey emotions ranging from happiness and curiosity to confusion, concern, uneasiness, and disinterest. These expressions provide immediate feedback during conversations, allowing for a more engaged and empathetic exchange, or they may signal the need to disengage and give the person their space. They help us gauge how our words and actions are being received and adjust our communication accordingly. For instance, the genuine smile that conveys feelings of warmth can guide the flow of the interaction and deepen the connection.

The tone of voice adds another layer of meaning to our words. It can indicate sarcasm, sincerity, excitement, or frustration, often revealing more than the words themselves. The same sentence can have vastly different meanings depending on the speaker's tone. In person, we readily pick up on these vocal nuances, which helps us interpret messages more accurately and respond appropriately. For instance, a warm, inviting tone helps us to feel valued and understood, while a flat or disinterested tone might indicate a lack of interest or engagement.

Messaging strips away these essential non-verbal cues, making it challenging to convey and perceive emotions and intentions accurately. Text-based communication lacks the richness of in-person interactions, often resulting in misunderstandings and missed connections. Even with video calls, the quality and clarity of non-verbal signals can be compromised, disrupting the natural flow of conversation.

In the context of dating or getting to know someone, the absence of these non-verbal elements can hinder the development of intimacy and trust. Real-life encounters allow for the subtleties of body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice which play a crucial role in forming and deepening romantic relationships. Being aware of and attentive to these non-verbal cues enhances our ability to form intimate attachments and truly understand one another.

Emotional Disconnect

When people interact via dating apps, the anonymity means you’re not really seeing each other, and it lacks the immediate feedback of face-to-face interactions. This absence of direct connection reduces the depth of the interaction, making it less likely that we're going to form the emotional bonds necessary to develop and sustain an intimate connection. Because of the emotional disconnect, there's less accountability, respect, and consideration, and people are more likely to say or do hurtful things. That's why ghosting has become so much more prevalent.

MIT professor Dr. Sherry Turkle, in her book “Reclaiming Conversation,” talks about how our overreliance on technology for communication diminishes our ability to empathize with others and form meaningful connections. The lack of face-to-face interaction hinders the development of social skills and emotional intelligence, making it harder for us to navigate complex emotional landscapes and build strong, supportive relationships.

While online communication offers convenience, it often lacks the richness of in-person interactions, exacerbating our sense of emotional disconnect and diminishing the quality of our relationships. The increased use of digital communication is contributing to feelings of isolation, anxiety, and depression. Forming real-life connections is essential for developing empathy, accountability, and forming deep emotional bonds.

Digital Fatigue

When it comes to dating apps, the endless swiping, constant notifications, and incessant messaging can leave us feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained. The blue light emitted by our screens can interfere with our circadian rhythms, especially if we're using our devices later in the evening, reducing the quality and duration of our sleep. Excessive time on our devices can also lead to eyestrain, headaches, blurred vision, and difficulty concentrating. Additionally, poor posture while using our devices can cause and worsen musculoskeletal issues such as back, neck, and shoulder pain.

Prolonged screen time contributes to burnout, and a decreased overall sense of well-being and can exacerbate depression and anxiety. The sedentary nature of screen-based activities can exacerbate physical health problems like obesity and cardiovascular disease. The constant need to check profiles, respond to messages, and keep up with notifications creates a sense of urgency and pressure, leaving us feeling more stressed out and anxious.

Meaningful connections are so much harder to develop when we’re not engaging face-to-face. The superficial quality of our screen time interactions can leave us feeling isolated and dissatisfied. The lack of presence and engagement during our screen-based interactions hinders our ability to form deep, meaningful connections. This is why I encourage everyone to prioritize face-to-face interactions to mitigate the negative impacts of digital fatigue and facilitate the development of healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

From Digital to Real-Life Encounters

During the early days of online dating, I posted profiles on a few sites, but the meetings usually felt awkward, and I rarely met anyone who interested me. At one point, while spending time in India, I came up with the bright idea of running a matrimonial ad. Not expecting to find a life partner, I saw it as an opportunity to make some connections and traveled across the subcontinent visiting the women who had reached out to me. A few were apparently interested in more than friendship, and some became friends.

After moving to New York City, I started seeing a woman from Syria. The attraction was there, and we seemed to connect on multiple levels, but she broke off the relationship because I wasn't willing to convert to Islam. After grieving the loss, I thought to myself, “I really do want to be in a serious long-term relationship. I'm going to approach at least two women a day until that happens.”

At the time, I was primarily working in New York City and traveling to Boston every other week. No matter where I found myself—whether in classes or workshops, concerts, the supermarket, commuting by bus or subway, or traveling by Amtrak or flying across country—I would start conversations with women who caught my attention.

Initiating conversations with women in all kinds of random spaces and circumstances was difficult at first, but I saw it as an opportunity to work through my shyness and social anxiety. I assumed that if I kept going, sooner or later I would connect with someone. With continued practice, I felt much more comfortable engaging the women I met in conversation.

After talking with so many women, I found it easier to relate to women than men, feeling there was more to talk about and that we had more in common. Often, I would get women to open up to me, getting into lengthy, animated conversations, and sometimes the woman I was speaking with would give me a hug or kiss on the cheek in parting. What was so disappointing is that I never saw or heard from most of these women again. In some instances, we would exchange a few texts, and then they would just stop.

After a few years of engaging in conversation with the women I met in New York City and Boston, I didn't have much to show for all the effort I made, other than a few spontaneous dates. Women in New York City and Boston, for good reason, can be more fearful and guarded. In time, I realized it can be a lot more difficult to establish any kind of close or lasting relationship with either men or women in New York City, although Boston is a little better. This has been confirmed by many other people I've spoken with. But after a few years of talking with thousands of women, I began to assume that I wasn't the kind of man women were attracted to.

Fortunately, in the many opportunities I've had to travel around the United States and while spending time abroad, I saw all that effort begin to pay off. I found it a lot easier to connect, as people were more open, trusting, and available. In addition to having an intimate partner, I really enjoy having a lot of platonic female friends. Over the years, I've been in relationships with two women that I connected with in Sri Lanka.

For over ten years, I taught classes on a weekly basis, helping people heal from the devastation of breakups, divorce, abandonment, rejection, unrequited love, and being ghosted. Women who attended my classes and worked with me individually often complained about not meeting anyone and not having a partner. Some had also gone through horrible experiences with men. I encouraged them to remember that only a small percentage of men behave badly and that most want someone they can love and be loved by. I also encouraged them to keep themselves open—make eye contact, smile, engage in conversation, exchange contact information if comfortable, and respond to the man’s efforts to reach out and meet again. A number of these women, and some men I've worked with, are now in relationships and credit me and the work we've done with enabling them to connect with their partners.

Building Trust and Rapport

Meeting in person is crucial for building trust and stronger personal connections, which are essential components of any meaningful relationship. When we meet someone face-to-face, we're able to engage all our senses. Non-verbal cues such as body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice play a significant role in communication, providing immediate and invaluable feedback that helps us gauge honesty, sincerity, and get a sense of what the other person is feeling. For example, their facial expressions and eye contact can convey warmth and openness, helping us determine whether someone is trustworthy—something that's hard to replicate through text or even video calls.

In-person interactions allow for spontaneous and dynamic exchanges that build stronger personal connections. Being physically present in the same space, sharing meals, going for walks, and participating in other activities together enables us to connect on multiple levels, creating a richer and more nuanced understanding of each other. These experiences are vital in forming emotional bonds and creating a sense of closeness.

Meeting in person allows for the natural ebb and flow of conversation, where we can quickly respond to each other’s verbal and non-verbal cues, creating a rhythm and flow that deepens the connection. Small gestures, like a reassuring touch or a meaningful glance, can significantly enhance our sense of connection.

Meeting in person also gives us the opportunity to see how the person we're spending time with interacts with other people and situations, revealing much about their personality, values, and behavior. Observing how they treat a waiter at a restaurant, interact with friends and family, or handle unexpected situations offers crucial insights that are not available if we're only interacting online. This helps us gain a more comprehensive sense of the person, deepening our understanding and strengthening our connection.

Enhanced Communication

Meeting in person significantly enhances communication by incorporating the full spectrum of nonverbal elements, leading to more meaningful and engaging conversations. In the context of dating, these richer interactions are essential for truly understanding and connecting with the person we're getting to know.

Spending time in person is enriched by the presence of nonverbal cues that are often absent or limited in digital interactions. These include body language, facial expressions, gestures, posture, and eye contact. Each of these elements adds depth and nuance to our conversations, helping to convey emotions, intentions, and reactions in ways that words alone cannot. For instance, a simple smile can convey warmth and openness, while a tense and guarded posture can indicate discomfort or unease. These nonverbal signals provide immediate feedback, allowing us to adapt our responses in real time and create a more engaging and empathetic dialogue.

Being physically present with someone allows for more meaningful and deeply felt conversations. When we interact face-to-face, we can pick up on the subtle shifts in tone and expression that indicate how the other person is feeling and responding. This immediate feedback loop facilitates a more fluid and responsive exchange, enabling us to connect on a deeper emotional level. Conversations in person are more spontaneous and less prone to the misinterpretations that can arise in text-based communication. The natural flow of in-person dialogue, punctuated by pauses, laughter, and shared moments of silence, creates a more intimate and authentic connection.

Physical presence enables us to engage all our senses, an experience that is impossible to replicate online. For example, the tone of voice can convey sarcasm, sincerity, excitement, or frustration, adding layers of meaning to our words. The warmth of a touch and the ability to sense the emotions of the person we're interacting with contribute to a richer and more immersive experience.

The richness of in-person communication facilitates the building of deeper connections. When we engage in face-to-face conversations, we are more likely to express ourselves fully and authentically, encouraging a sense of trust and intimacy. In these interactions, we're able to share our stories, experiences, and emotions more openly, building a stronger foundation for a more meaningful relationship. The ability to read and respond to nonverbal cues helps us to understand and empathize with each other, enhancing our emotional connection and mutual understanding.

Shared experiences are a crucial part of bonding, creating memories and connections that deepen the relationship far beyond what can be achieved through digital interactions. When we participate in activities together, we create common memories and a sense of unity that facilitates closeness and trust. These experiences provide a context for deeper conversations and mutual understanding, helping to build a solid foundation for the relationship. Whether a cooking class, going for a walk or hiking in the mountains, the time spent together in real-world settings allows us to connect on multiple levels, emotionally and physically.

We are inherently social beings, and we thrive on direct, meaningful connections with others. Non-verbal cues help us feel understood and valued, creating a sense of belonging and emotional intimacy that is difficult to achieve through digital interactions alone. Engaging in face-to-face conversations, sharing experiences, and participating in activities together help mitigate feelings of loneliness and isolation, promoting a sense of togetherness and mutual understanding.

Health and Safety

Safety needs to be a priority, and there are many practical steps you can take to ensure you stay safe. When meeting someone for the first time, it’s crucial to approach these encounters with caution and awareness. Meet in busy places such as coffee shops, restaurants, and public parks, preferably during the daytime when there is plenty of natural light and people around. Share your plans with a friend or family member, letting them know the details of your meeting, who you're meeting, where you're going, and when you expect to return. Arrange to check in with a friend or family member at a specific time during or after the meeting. Limit the amount of personal information you share, such as your home address, workplace, or other sensitive details until you have a better sense of the person. If something feels off or uncomfortable, trust your instincts and excuse yourself. Finally, limit alcohol and other recreational drug consumption, keeping it to a minimum until you really know the person.

Why People Meet Online and Not In Person

Most people nowadays choose online dating because they perceive it as less time-consuming than attending all kinds of events and hoping to find someone who is interesting, single, and where the feelings of attraction are mutual. The fear of rejection also factors in, as for many, online interactions feel less intimidating than face-to-face encounters.

I don't see a problem with using dating apps as long as we view them as providing additional options. It becomes problematic when we feel we have to rely on these apps in order to connect. In many ways, dependence on these apps is stunting our development. It's also a reflection of our emotional wounding and how that has left many of us so numb and disconnected from our intuition and inner core that we cannot sense when we resonate with other human beings and engage with them.

Meeting in real life forces us to grow in ways that can only happen when we're showing up more fully present. It means being open and willing to risk rejection, getting in touch with our deepest vulnerabilities, and healing the wounded parts of ourselves. Meeting in real life also helps us develop the much-needed interpersonal skills and internal capacities that enable us to establish deeper, more meaningful, and lasting bonds with others.

On one hand, there is a randomness about the way we encounter individuals as we move through the world. There's also truth to the fact that we attract and find ourselves attracted to individuals who serve as mirrors, reflecting aspects of ourselves. Those who hurt us often reflect our more vulnerable and wounded parts. As we take the necessary steps to facilitate our healing, we evolve in ways that enable us to attract and be attracted to individuals with whom we can establish deeper, more meaningful, and fulfilling relationships.

Embracing Real-Life Connections

Being open to real-life connections requires a shift in mindset. It’s about being present, approachable, and willing to engage with the people around you. Here are some practical steps to help you get started:

Challenge yourself by making a commitment to attend at least one new social event or gathering each week. Begin by attending local events that interest you. This could be a community gathering, a concert, a workshop, or a networking event. It's crucial to put yourself in environments where you can meet new people. Be approachable—smile, make eye contact, and be willing to engage in conversations with strangers. Sometimes, a simple “hello” can lead to meaningful interactions.

Whether it’s a book club, a fitness class, or an art workshop, participating in group activities can provide common ground and make it easier to connect with others. Volunteering for causes you care about not only allows you to give back to the community, but also provides opportunities to meet like-minded individuals.

Make a concerted ongoing effort to engage with people you encounter in your daily life. This could be at your local coffee shop or bookstore, a fellow commuter, or someone you meet at the gym. Practice active listening during conversations. Show genuine interest in what others have to say, which can nurture deeper connections.

Pursuing your passions and keeping yourself open to explore anything you’ve ever been curious about can expose you to different social circles and increase your chances of meeting new people.

You may initially feel awkward, trip over your words, or feel unsure about what to say, but make a concerted effort to initiate a conversation with at least one new person each day. It could be someone you encounter during your commute to work, while shopping at the supermarket, or at an event. Engaging in conversations with random strangers helps build confidence and improves your social skills.

Host a small gathering or get-together with friends. Encourage each friend to bring someone new. Creating a welcoming environment can facilitate new connections in a relaxed and comfortable setting.

Reach out to old friends and acquaintances and arrange to meet up for coffee, lunch, or a casual outing. Reconnecting with familiar faces can rekindle meaningful relationships and expand your social network. Be open to meeting friends of friends. Attend gatherings or parties where you can expand your social circle through mutual connections.

Choose a cause you’re passionate about, such as animal rescue and volunteer your time. This not only contributes to the community but also provides opportunities to meet others who share your interests and values.

Stepping away from your screens and into the vibrant, engaging world of in-person interactions can open up all kinds of new opportunities. By taking the practical steps outlined in this section and embracing the challenges you encounter along the way, you can enrich your life with meaningful, real-life connections.

Obviously, not every relationship is meant to be romantic or an intimate partnership. I encourage you to engage with an openness. Does it feel more like a platonic friendship or is there something more? Ask yourself, “How does this connection naturally want to evolve?” By allowing relationships to develop organically, you create space for genuine connections that can enrich your life in meaningful ways, whether through friendship, romance, or simply a deeper understanding of others.

©Copyright 2024 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.

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