Elka and I had been seeing each other for about seven months when it became clear that we were not on the same page. Elka wanted very much to get married and start a family, yet I felt an internal resistance that was preventing me from getting closer. Although I cared very much about Elka, I sensed on a deep level that it wasn't right for me. Unwilling to continue along the same path, Elka decided to end our romantic relationship. After breaking up, Elka was very angry with me because I hadn't fulfilled her expectations, but she came around after six months, and we gradually developed a platonic friendship.
Around that time, Elka met and became intimately involved with a man from Laguna Pueblo. Initially, I was very happy for Elka and wanted the best for her, but then all of a sudden, she stopped returning my calls. I had no idea what was going on at the time, but I learned months later that Elka’s new fiancé, who was very insecure and controlling, said to her, “If you have to be friends with your ex, I will leave you.”
As much as I valued Elka's friendship and had hoped she would always be a part of my life, I felt enormous sadness over her loss and, after some time, noticed a profound sense of deadness in my heart.
At the time, I was living in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and working in Santa Fe a few days a week. After finishing my work, I would drive back to Albuquerque late in the evenings. The mountains and deserts of northern New Mexico are especially beautiful, and those late-night drives were always a time of reflection for me.
Late one evening, while missing Elka and sensing the deadness in my heart, I began to breathe softly and deeply, focusing my attention in the middle of my chest. Initially, I felt only numbness, but as I continued, a slight itching sensation emerged, followed by faint vapors of feeling. Night after night, as I continued to practice, the feelings and sensations grew progressively stronger, becoming more accessible in the weeks that followed. Powerful emotions of emptiness, loneliness, and longing began to pour out of my chest. After some time, it felt as though my entire chest cavity was aching. As I worked through the heartache, I began to experience a greater sense of connectedness to a higher power, sometimes experiencing moments of euphoria and transcendence along with these powerful emanations flowing from within.
We all experience disappointments, losses, and setbacks at times in our lives, and we typically feel emotions such as sadness, hurt, grief, anger, and frustration in response to these experiences. Because most of us have not learned to work effectively with our emotional responses, we find ways to numb or distract ourselves from what we're feeling. We may busy ourselves with work and other distractions in an attempt to avoid these distressing emotions. We may self-medicate with food, alcohol, or other recreational drugs. The problem is that these distressing emotions never just go away. For instance, if we suffer abuse in a relationship or go through a devastating breakup, the grief, sadness, and anger that we fail to “digest” will remain trapped within our bodies indefinitely. This can create barriers, causing us to become walled off, thus diminishing our capacity to give and receive love. Often, we find ourselves drawn to other individuals who will reenact the same kinds of hurtful and abusive behaviors.
Many of us were subjected to verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, or some combination thereof, during our childhood and adolescence. We may have also experienced bullying or were ostracized by our classmates while attending school. Most of us, at some point, have been rejected by a friend or possibly groups of friends. From the time of our adolescence, when we began to form crushes on other girls or guys, our feelings were, in many instances, not reciprocated. As we began to date and form romantic attachments, we have, along the way, been dumped, ghosted, cheated on, strung along, and mistreated in numerous other ways. Because we're not familiar with or do not have access to the practices and therapeutic interventions that would enable us to deeply process our emotional responses and heal the wounded parts of ourselves, these painful experiences and their accompanying emotional responses continue to live within our bodies and minds. That can leave us emotionally vulnerable.
The painful relational dramas that many of us have experienced, along with the emotions they evoke, accumulate in our bodies, creating areas of stagnation and chronic muscular tension and armoring. This makes it extraordinarily difficult for us to remain open and vulnerable. Parts of ourselves often go numb and shut down. We inadvertently construct barriers around our hearts and other deeper empathic aspects of ourselves that are essential for forming emotional bonds. These defenses, while intended to protect us from further pain, diminish our ability to fully love and be loved by others. They create a distance, and at times, impenetrable barriers that make genuine emotional connection challenging, if not impossible, often causing us to not only feel but to become even more isolated despite our longing for intimacy.
The emotional devastation that so many of us experience during a breakup, being strung along, or ghosted, and for those of us who have faced repeated rejections and struggle with patterns of unrequited love—when our desire to be with someone is not reciprocated, and we want more than anything to love and be loved—can be especially torturous. Our entire body and being are consumed by the overwhelming fears of abandonment and other excruciatingly painful emotions, and it feels like absolute, rip-your-heart-out torture. Understandably, many of us just want the pain to stop, which is why we find ourselves saying and doing so many crazy things to extricate ourselves from the horrendous suffering. Yet, as the saying goes, “You cannot heal it until you fully feel it.” We can only heal by allowing ourselves to be fully present to our authentic emotional responses, no matter how horrible they feel at times.
The abuses we've suffered, experiences of being abandoned, rejected, broken up with, ghosted, cheated on, and other heart-rending relational dramas we've gone through, along with our authentic emotional responses to them, need to be thoroughly digested. A critically important part of this process involves bringing any person involved and the relational drama we've experienced to the forefront of our awareness, allowing our authentic emotional responses to arise and then breathing into the depths of any feelings or bodily sensations that surface.
The feelings and sensations that arise may initially intensify as we breathe into them. They will often go through a progression—for instance, anger and hurt may turn into sadness, which can then lead to acceptance and ultimately, letting go. As this happens, deep emotional wounds begin to heal, and the unhealthy attachments that have caused so much suffering will start to dissolve. By continuing to breathe into the feelings and bodily sensations while holding the individuals involved and the relational dynamics in your awareness, the layers of emotional armoring soften, becoming more fluid. Consistently working with the process I'm describing will enable you to transform the heartaches in a way that heals the wounded parts of you, increasing your capacity to love and be loved, and allowing you to experience greater compassion for yourself and others.
Again, so many of us struggle in relationships, largely because of our own emotional wounding and that of the people we form attachments to. Our suffering is often perpetuated as our relationships become a series of painful reenactments, all because we haven't learned to do the deep-level processing necessary to digest our lived experiences and authentic emotional responses. This processing is crucial for facilitating the healing that enables us to learn and evolve from our experiences.
In addition to working with the practice I'm sharing in this article, it's also important for us to incorporate the most effective therapeutic interventions. Working with a skilled psychotherapist may be essential for those of us still needing a basic understanding of our wounding and who are in need of developing basic relational skills. In addition to consistent daily practice, I've incorporated therapeutic interventions such as deep tissue bodywork. Having trained for years with one of the last surviving traditional doctors (medicine men) among the Kiowa Tribe, I have relied heavily on the vision quest, a traditional Native healing practice that involves fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. During the vision quest, I can, at times, feel an extraordinarily powerful presence working within my body, transforming deeply wounding experiences along with the accompanying emotions into fuel for growth, while simultaneously building a new foundation that has enabled me to attract healthier companions and create more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships. The vision quest is far too intense for most people, yet those who have the opportunity to work with me individually experience the same kind of healing and transformation in their own bodies, minds, and lives.
Exercise: Awakening the Heart
Start by bringing your awareness to the middle of your chest and take a few moments to notice any feelings or bodily sensations. Breathe softly and deeply as you fully immerse your awareness in the depths of these feelings or bodily sensations. Even if the feelings and sensations are unpleasant, allow them to be without trying to change them. The feelings and bodily sensations will gradually change on their own as you continue to breathe into them. Follow the feelings and sensations as they go through their progression.
Normally, I encourage people to sit up while doing these meditation practices, because it's easy to drift off to sleep if you're lying down. The feelings of grief and loss that arise when you're in the midst of a devastating heartache can, in some instances, be so excruciatingly painful that it's all you can do to remain curled up on your side in the fetal position. Or maybe you're finding it difficult to fall asleep at night because you're feeling overwhelmed with anxiety due to your financial situation. During the times I've struggled financially, I would breathe into the anxiety while lying in bed, but I've found on many occasions that if I sat up while breathing into the anxiety, it would dissipate sooner, allowing me to fall asleep. It may take some time for the anxiety to abate, but once it does, you'll find it easier to drift off to sleep.
The feelings and sensations that arise within the chest cavity can vary tremendously, depending on our life circumstances. These sensations may initially be faint, or we may not feel much of anything at all because we've spent much of our lives numbing our emotions and avoiding issues that need to be addressed. However, as we continue to work with this practice over time, these feelings and bodily sensations will become more vivid and readily accessible.
If we're struggling financially, we're more likely to experience fear and anxiety. A parent who is estranged from their child may experience a whole range of emotions, including a persistent sense of sorrow and despair over the broken relationship, anger and resentment towards their child for the perceived rejection, and self-blame, feeling that they have somehow failed. Losses of any kind can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Jobs, coworkers, and bosses can leave us feeling stressed out, and that stress can create pressure or constriction in the chest, often accompanied by shallow breathing. Similarly, those of us facing major life changes, such as moving to a new city or starting a new job, may experience feelings of uncertainty and apprehension. Breathing into these feelings as they arise can help us work through unpleasant emotions, accept the realities we cannot change, experience a growing sense of calmness and well-being from within, and come up with workable solutions to life's many challenges.
Feelings and sensations in the heart can also be neutral or, in many instances, pleasant. Initially, we may experience feelings of heaviness or tension, which often dissipate as we breathe into them. As they do, we may then experience sensations of warmth, pulsing, tingling, or subtle emanations. Feelings of love, compassion, and empathy often arise when we're thinking about or spending time with someone we care about. Feelings of joy, happiness, and excitement may surface when we're looking forward to seeing someone special, anticipating something we're excited about, or doing the things we love. Breathing into these neutral, pleasant, and enjoyable feelings and bodily sensations helps to nourish and enliven our bodies and minds.
Breathing into any stress or tension, feelings of hurt and loss, or sensations of numbness and deadness, as well as the more pleasant and enjoyable feelings and sensations, will help awaken your heart. Working with this practice will help increase your awareness of yourself, other people, and your environment, while also enabling you to become more fully present in your body. The hurts, sadness, and other accumulated emotions and stresses will soften and go through a process of digestion. Your heart will become more open and receptive, increasing your capacity to love and be loved. As this happens, you'll exude greater warmth and empathy, making you more attractive to others.
You may experience what seems like an absence of feelings in your heart at times. The heart may also feel very flat or neutral in some instances. Some people mistakenly assume that nothing is happening when that occurs. You may notice more subtle feelings of tension, constriction, heaviness, or emptiness when you really begin to pay attention. You may also discover a number of other subtle lingering feelings operating in the background. All of these feelings and sensations are valid. It is important for you to understand that your feelings will often be very subtle. Explore everything you feel by fully immersing yourself in any feelings and sensations that emerge. Fully immerse yourself in the flatness, neutrality, or any of the subtle feelings that you notice within your body.
Opening your heart will make it easier for you to attract a loving companion. You can also benefit from working with this practice if you do have a love in your life. Breathe into the feelings of love that you experience for your partner. Breathe into all of the wonderful feelings of being loved and supported. These loving and supportive feelings will nurture and nourish you. Allowing these feelings of love to flow through you can help to heal the hurts of the past. You may also find that your love grows stronger.
Conflict is a normal and inevitable part of intimate relationships and, when approached constructively, can create opportunities to deepen emotional bonds. Breathing into the less pleasant, conflicted feelings that emerge during conflict can be very helpful, making it easier for you to work through issues and gain a better understanding of yourself, your partner, and the matters concerning you.
How Emotions Trapped In the Heart and Lungs Affect Our Ability to Function
Unprocessed emotions, particularly those that are unpleasant, painful, or distressing, can remain trapped in the heart and lungs indefinitely, profoundly impacting our ability to function and relate to others, especially in romantic contexts. Trapped emotions such as grief, anger, anxiety, or sadness contribute to the chronic stress, depression, and anxiety disorders affecting so many people. Emotional distress distorts our judgment, dampens our motivation, and impairs our decision-making capabilities, making it more difficult for us to handle the demands and challenges of everyday life effectively.
Persistent distressing emotional states impede our ability to remember, concentrate, and learn, making it more difficult to focus on work and absorb new information, thus reducing our productivity and impeding our growth. Distressing emotions held within the body can manifest as physical symptoms such as chest pain, shortness of breath, fatigue, and palpitations. Emotional distress also contributes to maladaptive coping strategies, such as heavy drinking and other recreational drug use, overeating, or becoming socially withdrawn.
Impact on Interpersonal Relationships
Emotions held within the body, such as anger, sadness, or feelings of upset, impede our ability to communicate effectively by causing us to either withdraw or express ourselves inappropriately. This can lead to passive-aggressive behavior or emotional outbursts, further exacerbating misunderstandings and conflict. Hurt, grief, and other distressing emotions hinder our ability to be emotionally available and present in relationships, making it difficult to form deep and lasting connections. The pain of betrayal creates trust issues, making it challenging to be open and establish or maintain intimate relationships. We can become so guarded or distrustful that it prevents us from forming secure attachments. Internal emotional turmoil also reduces our capacity for empathy, making it more difficult for us to understand or respond to the emotional needs of others, which is crucial for healthy relationships.
Specific Impact on Romantic Relationships
Emotional openness and vulnerability are essential aspects of building intimacy in romantic relationships. Unprocessed emotions trapped within the body create barriers to these qualities, leading to feelings of detachment or emotional distance. This can manifest as reluctance to engage in deep conversations or to share personal feelings and experiences.
Unresolved emotions tend to exacerbate conflicts in relationships, making it difficult for us to stay calm or rational during disagreements, leading to escalated arguments and difficulty in finding mutually satisfying resolutions. This can erode the foundation of trust and respect in our relationships.
Stress and upsetting emotions in the heart and lungs also affect sexual intimacy, with anxiety, depression, or suppressed emotions often contribute to a reduced sex drive, sexual dysfunction, or an overall lack of interest in physical intimacy, often a source of frustration and misunderstanding between partners.
Unprocessed emotions held within the body also reinforce unhealthy patterns of dependency or co-dependency in relationships. For instance, one partner may rely excessively on the other for emotional support, placing undue strain on the relationship. Alternatively, we or our partner may avoid taking responsibility for our own emotional well-being, expecting the other to constantly provide reassurance or validation.
Emotions Associated with the Heart
The heart is commonly understood to be a center of love, compassion, and empathy. Our feelings of love and compassion are often felt deeply in the heart area. Joy, happiness, and excitement also emerge from the heart, physically manifesting as an increased heart rate or a sense of warmth in the chest. The heart is closely tied to our capacity for emotional openness and vulnerability. Fear of being hurt or rejected can manifest as a protective or “armored” feeling around the heart. The heart is also the seat of grief and sadness, especially related to loss or heartache. While often associated with the mind, stress and anxiety can also be felt in the heart region, leading to sensations like chest tightness or palpitations.
Emotions Associated with the Lungs
The lungs are associated with the emotion of grief. Long-standing sadness or unresolved grief can affect lung function and respiratory health. The lungs are also linked to emotions of fear and anxiety, particularly the sensation of being unable to “breathe freely” or feeling suffocated by stress. Sorrow and regret can also be linked to the lungs, manifesting as a physical heaviness or tightness in the chest, which can impact breathing. Feelings of depression or melancholy are sometimes experienced as a physical heaviness in the chest or a sense of constriction in the lungs. On a more positive note, the lungs are also associated with our capacity to “let go” and move forward, breathing in new life and releasing the old.
Emotional Processing and Healing
When emotions are not processed or expressed, they can become “trapped” within the body, potentially leading to physical symptoms such as chest pain, shortness of breath, or chronic respiratory conditions. This understanding is part of traditional healing practices and modern psychosomatic medicine, which recognizes that emotional health is closely linked to physical health.
The meditation practice I'm sharing in this article facilitates a critical aspect of processing the emotions held within the heart and lungs. This often involves becoming aware of our feelings, understanding their origins, and finding healthy ways to express them.
Disciplines such as Yoga, Tai Chi, and Chi Gong incorporate movements and, along with specific breathing practices can also help to open the chest area, promote the free flow of the body's life force, and facilitate the processing of our emotions.
Mechanisms of Emotional Impact
Both the heart and lungs are heavily influenced by the autonomic nervous system, which regulates involuntary body functions. Emotional stress activates the sympathetic branch, preparing the body for ‘fight or flight' by increasing heart rate and constricting blood vessels and airways. Chronic activation of this system can lead to various disorders.
Chronic stress, anxiety, and depression are associated with increased levels of inflammation in the body. This inflammation can damage tissues in the heart and lungs, contributing to diseases like atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries) and bronchitis.
Emotional states often influence behaviors that affect heart and lung health, such as smoking, poor diet, and physical inactivity. These behaviors and harmful vices can further exacerbate the impact of trapped emotions on physical health.
Emotions Trapped in the Heart and Heart Disease
Chronic stress, anxiety, and unresolved emotional pain are well-established risk factors for heart disease. These emotions trigger the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which can increase heart rate and blood pressure, contribute to the buildup of arterial plaque, and promote inflammation within the cardiovascular system. Over time, this stress response can damage the heart and blood vessels, leading to conditions such as hypertension, coronary artery disease, and myocardial infarction (heart attack).
Suppressing emotions like anger, sadness, or fear can also impact heart health. Emotional suppression can lead to increased sympathetic nervous system activity, which places additional strain on the heart. This can manifest as arrhythmias (irregular heartbeats), increased risk of heart failure, and other cardiovascular issues.
Depression is not only a mental health concern but also a significant risk factor for heart disease. Depressive symptoms can lead to poor lifestyle choices, such as lack of exercise, poor diet, and smoking, which further contribute to cardiovascular problems. Additionally, depression is linked to increased inflammation and dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system, which can adversely affect heart function.
Emotions Trapped in the Lungs and Respiratory Disorders
The lungs are particularly sensitive to emotions like grief and sadness. Prolonged grief weakens the immune system, making us more susceptible to respiratory infections and conditions such as bronchitis and pneumonia. This is partly due to our emotional state affecting the balance of the body's immune response.
Anxiety often expresses itself physically as hyperventilation, shallow breathing, or breath-holding, which can lead to respiratory issues. These altered breathing patterns can reduce carbon dioxide levels in the blood, leading to respiratory alkalosis (an imbalance in the body's pH), and exacerbate conditions like asthma and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD).
Emotional stress can trigger asthma attacks or worsen symptoms in those with COPD. This connection is often mediated by the autonomic nervous system, where stress can lead to bronchoconstriction (narrowing of the airways), increased mucus production, and heightened respiratory rate.
Take Advantage of the Many Opportunities to Practice
As I've stated many times before, our life experiences, along with our cognitive and emotional responses, need to be digested and assimilated. Whatever we fail to digest will remain trapped within our heart, lungs, other organs, or other parts of our bodies. As we learn to work constructively with our emotions, we're not only able to alleviate stress, but we can also transform it into fuel for growth. Instead of stressing out and tearing down our bodies, we can use these experiences to nourish both body and mind, making us stronger, more resilient, and more fully engaged in life.
Finding time to practice can be especially challenging if you're the parent of small children, working insane hours, going to school, possibly commuting long distances, or some combination thereof. However, most of us have more available time than we realize, especially if we consider the amount of time we spend scrolling on social apps or binging on Netflix.
Take advantage of the opportunities life gives you to practice. I encourage you to breathe softly and deeply while focusing your awareness on the depths of your chest cavity, especially whenever you find yourself in conversations that evoke strong feelings or in challenging situations that trigger you emotionally. Incorporating this practice into your daily life will help you process your emotions and sort through your thoughts and the issues concerning you as life unfolds.
In our current age, most of us are contending with digital media-induced attention deficits, which can make it challenging for us to focus our attention for any significant length of time. Fifteen minutes of practice is far better than none, yet such short interludes of practice are just barely scratching the surface. When you can sit down with your feelings and bodily sensations for at least thirty minutes or more. When time permits, take a deep dive for an hour, ninety minutes, or even two or more hours, and you'll experience far more powerful results. If you're in the midst of a crisis, such as a devastating breakup or being ghosted, continue to breathe with your awareness centered in the depths of your chest cavity as you go about your day. I also encourage you to be as consistent as possible in your practice.
©Copyright 2024 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.
When you’re ready, I have 3 ways I can help you to heal your heartache and attract more love into your life and cocreate more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.
1. Click here to grab your free copy of my eBook – The Essentials Of Getting Over Your Breakup And Moving On
2. Watch the master class Three Reasons Your Relationships Are Not Working …And What You Can Do About It.
3. Work with me individually: Are you experiencing chronic health issues that no one has been able to help you with? Are you dealing with persistent emotions that are taking you out of the game of life? Are you in the midst of a breakup, struggling with patterns of abandonment or unrequited love, or facing challenges in your current relationship? Ready to break through existing limitations and unearth the inner resources you need to overcome challenges and realize your true potential? If any of these resonate with you and you're seeking personalized guidance and support, and would like to work directly with me, email me at ben@benoofana.com. For a faster response, call me at (332) 333-5155.
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