People in the midst of breakups, divorces, struggling with patterns of abandonment, or unrequited love, who have been ghosted or were being strung along, often showed up in my classes feeling hurt, confused, and emotionally overwhelmed. Fearful of loss, many were unsure how to cope emotionally. Most of us have been there at some point in our lives.

Jason, actually a composite of some of the most challenging individuals I have worked with over the years, was desperately struggling to make a relationship work with a woman who was causing him a lot of pain. According to Jason, she would lie incessantly, and he later found out she was married. Jason scheduled sessions for himself and his girlfriend, with the expectation that I would somehow make the relationship work, and he was quite frustrated with me afterward when that didn't happen.

Jason disappeared and then resurfaced a few years later, this time strung out on a new girlfriend… this one with her own unique flavor of crazy-making dysfunction. Jason, desperately trying to make sense of it all, would talk incessantly, giving play-by-play details of what wasn't working in the relationship. He apparently wasn't coping well with the pain, and his then-girlfriend indicated to me that he was drinking rather heavily. In one instance, she woke up in the middle of the night with Jason on top, choking her.

Obviously, it's really bad, and it's comparable to what's playing out in the lives of so many others struggling in their relationships. But what I've found with so many of the people I've worked with over the years is as I get them into their bodies and doing the deep-level processing of their emotions, healing the wounded parts of themselves, they're able to clean up their lives, let go of their unhealthy attachments to partners and relationships that cause them enormous suffering. Better yet, many have gone on to attract healthier companions and establish more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.

Having spent years training with a traditional Native American doctor (medicine man), I work as a conduit, allowing an extraordinarily powerful presence to work through me to facilitate healing within the bodies and minds of others. When people's bodies are holding a great deal of stress, anger, upset, and other distressing emotions, I guide them through a series of practices that enable them to digest these stresses and emotions so their minds and bodies can be receptive to healing. What I found so difficult about working with Jason is that I couldn't get him to do the practices necessary to facilitate the deep-level processing of his emotional responses to all the painful, heartrending drama being enacted in his relationships.

Jason was not only resistant but combative, and he continued to talk incessantly about what wasn't working in his tormented attempt at a love life. I had already told Jason how damaging it is. For me or anyone else on the receiving end, it's not only difficult to listen to, but it also feels as though it's sucking a quart of blood. Understandably, I cut him off because it serves no useful purpose, it wastes time, and I didn't want to hear it anymore.

At one point, when Jason called, I could tell that he was drinking, and it was obvious to me that he was caught in a destructive spiral. On one hand, I feel tremendous concern. I care deeply about the people I work with and do everything I can on my end to facilitate the much-needed healing. This is why I convey to them that healing requires teamwork. They also need to be doing their part, which entails learning to work effectively with their emotions and facing the issues head-on.

Healing Attachment Wounds

In my late twenties, while attending a birthday party, I began to recount the relational drama I was going through at the time. My friend, giving me a look that conveyed both anger and disgust, turned around and walked away. I felt deeply hurt in that moment but later realized that she had done me an enormous favor. In time, I could see how I was inadvertently perpetuating my own suffering. I learned to interrupt the incessant thoughts by asking myself, “What are the deepest feelings behind all that?” I would then breathe from the depths of the hurt, sadness, grief, or whatever else I was feeling at the time.

For many of us, the abuses we've suffered as children, the repeated heartbreaks, and other traumas and emotional wounds run extraordinarily deep. While some may rapidly get over a breakup and let go of their unhealthy attachments, for others, it's like a drug addiction—except in this case, it's an addiction to a person and the relationship you have or want to have with them. What so many people fail to grasp is that if you're not able to access and do the deep-level processing of your authentic emotional responses, it not only keeps you fixated on that person but also fuels the obsession, preventing you from healing, letting go, and moving on.

Those of us who have spent the majority of our lives numbing ourselves to our authentic emotional responses may initially find it difficult to access our feelings, while others find themselves consumed with overwhelming emotion. The process can be even more challenging for those who have self-medicated for years with alcohol and other recreational drugs.

As I said before, the painful losses that many of us go through can, at times, be excruciating. Not knowing how to cope with our heartache or overwhelming emotional responses, many of us fall into the trap of thinking incessantly or talking it to death with anyone who will listen. In these instances, we're desperately attempting to make sense of and exercise control over the other person and the crazy-making relational drama unfolding, all in an effort to stop the hurt. Yet, in doing so, we're disconnecting by going up into our heads, spinning around and around in our thoughts, while generating even more of the extraordinarily painful emotions that get stuck in our bodies, that cause us so much suffering. This inadvertently reinforces the dysfunctional patterns that many of us remain stuck in, perpetuating our suffering indefinitely.

I'm not saying to never talk about the issues concerning you. Sometimes we need to open up and express what's going on, confiding in a trusted friend or psychotherapist. There are times when we need to talk it out, but eventually, there comes a point where we've said all we can say without digging ourselves into a deeper hole.

Continually talking about the person dragging your heart around and the crazy-making relational drama is not going to make the other person love you, fix the relationship, or heal your hurt. You need to interrupt the incessant chatter by asking yourself, “What are the deepest feelings behind all that?” Breathing softly and deeply—that means all the way down to your abdomen while also expanding your rib cage—while fully immersing your awareness in the depths of those feelings and bodily sensations will facilitate the deep-level processing needed to heal the hurt. This will help to free you from the obsessive thoughts, let go of your unhealthy attachments to the person and the relationship that's not working, and finally move on.

The Neurobiology of Heartbreak

Whenever we experience heartache or emotional distress, it initiates a powerful biochemical process in our brains, involving the neurotransmitter norepinephrine. Norepinephrine is associated with the body's stress response, and its level decreases precipitously during times of significant emotional distress, like when someone has broken up with or ghosted us. The dramatic reduction in norepinephrine levels contributes to feelings of sadness and desperation, obsessive thinking, and the need to continually talk about our lovesick drama with anyone who will listen, in hopes that it will either bring our love back or somehow alleviate our suffering.

The decrease in dopamine, another neurotransmitter that is part of the brain's reward system, significantly impacts our sense of pleasure and well-being. There's a reason some people say, “Love is the drug.” When we're in love, we're in a state of absolute bliss, experiencing that magical sense of connectedness—it's the best feeling in the world. However, when our love crashes and burns, it can be similar to an opioid user deprived of their fix and going through withdrawal. We find ourselves consumed with profound feelings of emptiness, our entire body aches, and emotionally, we feel as if we've been mortally wounded.

Adding to this complex biochemical response is oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone.” Oxytocin is released when we're physically intimate or affectionate, creating a strong sense of bonding and emotional connection with our partner. When a relationship ends, the sudden halt in oxytocin release leaves us feeling disconnected and emotionally adrift, intensifying our feelings of loss and loneliness. The absence of oxytocin further compounds our emotional and physical symptoms of heartbreak, making it even harder for us to cope with the end of the relationship.

The devastation of a painful breakup and other heartrending dramas also increases our levels of the stress hormone cortisol. High levels of cortisol impact various aspects of our brain function, including memory and mood, which further exacerbates our feelings of distress and obsessive thinking. This hormonal surge compounds our emotional turmoil, making it even more challenging to move on and find peace.

The Critical Need for Intervention in Breaking the Cycle of Heartache

The obsessive thinking that occurs when we're in the midst of a devastating breakup or some other crazy-making relational torment is part of our brain's attempt to make sense of the painful emotions we're experiencing, to get our lost love back, or to find some other solution to alleviate our suffering. The problem is that many of us fall into a seemingly endless cycle of rumination, where we're continually replaying the distressing events in our minds and analyzing every word and action of our former partner or the person we're wanting to be with. This endless mental repetition only deepens our emotional distress, preventing us from letting go and moving on.

Having gone through the process I'm describing repeatedly, I'm all too familiar with its damaging consequences. It's critically important for us to seek intervention in these instances. Psychotherapy can play an important role in our healing process, helping us to better understand our emotional wounding and the dysfunctional dynamics we're enacting in our relationships.

Therapeutic modalities such as acupuncture, deep tissue massage, and Ayurvedic medicine can help us to not only become more embodied, but also restore a harmonious balance to our brain's biochemistry, thereby alleviating much of the distress we're experiencing.

Having trained with a traditional Native American doctor (medicine man), a big part of my training involves the vision quest, a process that involves fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. During my time on the mountain, I have often felt an extraordinarily powerful presence working within me, enabling me to digest traumas going as far back as early childhood, as well as the current relational dramas that were in many ways retraumatizing me. I could also feel this presence working within to build a much healthier and stronger foundation from which I could form more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

Like the traditional Native American doctors, I too work as a conduit, allowing a presence similar to the one I experience on the mountain to work through me to facilitate healing within the bodies and minds of those I work with. Having healed my own relational wounds also better equips me to serve others in the midst of a breakup, divorce, struggling with patterns of abandonment or unrequited love, or who have been ghosted. Those who have the opportunity to work with me individually experience healing and transformation similar to what I've gone through as a result of the vision quest. During these individual sessions, the presence working through me helps the biochemical processes in the brain to establish a new balance, restoring a sense of calm and well-being. The suffering of heartache is transformed in such a way that it becomes fuel for growth, while also building a much healthier and more resilient foundation from which they too can love and be loved.

©Copyright 2024 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.

When you’re ready, I have 3 ways I can help you to heal your heartache and attract more love into your life and cocreate more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.
1. Click here to grab your free copy of my eBook – The Essentials Of Getting Over Your Breakup And Moving On
2. Watch the master class Three Reasons Your Relationships Are Not Working …And What You Can Do About It.
3. Work with me individually: Are you experiencing chronic health issues that no one has been able to help you with? Are you dealing with persistent emotions that are taking you out of the game of life? Are you in the midst of a breakup, struggling with patterns of abandonment or unrequited love, or facing challenges in your current relationship? Ready to break through existing limitations and unearth the inner resources you need to overcome challenges and realize your true potential? If any of these resonate with you and you're seeking personalized guidance and support, and would like to work directly with me, email me at ben@benoofana.com. For a faster response, call me at (332) 333-5155.