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The loss of a love, whether we’re going through a breakup, divorce, have been ghosted, or are struggling with attachment issues, patterns of rejection, or unrequited love, can evoke some of the worst pain many of us will ever experience in our lives. When that happens, our thoughts begin to spiral, and we find ourselves consumed with sadness, grief, hurt, fear, anxiety, longing, and other overwhelming, and at times excruciatingly painful emotions.

The problem for so many of us is that we have never learned how to work effectively with our emotional responses to what we’re going through. A big part of it stems from the fact that we were never taught. In addition, so many of us are hugely resistant to going to the places where we’re vulnerable and actually feeling our emotions. What most of us tend to do is busy ourselves, or find ways to distract, so as not to face the issues or reality, and not feel the unsettling emotions we’re so resistant to experiencing.

The problem is that when we don’t allow ourselves to feel deeply into our emotions, what we’re not feeling, we’re not digesting. The impressions of our lived experiences, along with our emotional responses to them, that we’re not digesting accumulate in our bodies. As that happens, we accumulate a backlog of unprocessed emotional residue.

When we’re not feeling, and we’re not digesting our lived experiences and emotions, it prevents us from developing our “processing capacity.” That makes it harder to work through what we’re feeling, come to resolution on issues, and move forward. We’re also more likely to find ourselves overwhelmed by our emotions, and by the more difficult realities of our lives.

Naturally, we just want our relationships to work. We want to have someone in our lives, someone we deeply love, someone we feel good about, someone we truly want to be with, someone we can create a future together with, and we want that person to love us in return. As we all know, it often doesn’t work out quite the way we had hoped.

In many instances, the person we’ve grown attached to says or does things that cause us enormous hurt. Maybe they decide at some point they no longer want to be with us, and they end the relationship. In other cases, the person we’ve formed an attachment to is, for whatever reason, not able to reciprocate our desire for a deeper, more intimate connection. These things hurt — often very badly.

Our first impulse is to resist the pain, and to resist the unfolding reality, whether it be the ending of a relationship, the lack of reciprocation, or whatever is unfolding that we find so painful. Yes, it does hurt. The pain can at times be excruciating. Yet despite the fact that what’s transpiring is not what we want to happen, and it feels absolutely horrible, we need to not only embrace what’s taking place, but also our emotional responses. We need to embrace it all as an opportunity to heal and grow.

With that said, let’s dive right into what to actually do when it hurts really bad.

Embracing Our Losses

As I mentioned previously, whether you’re in the midst of a breakup, you’ve been ghosted, or you’re longing for someone who isn’t reciprocating your desires, it can at times hurt like hell. Most of us resist the pain, numbing ourselves by suppressing our emotions, self-medicating with food and alcohol, or even taking antidepressants. We do everything we possibly can to not feel those emotions. In doing so, we’re actually inflicting harm upon ourselves.

Because what we’re not able, or not willing, to feel cannot be digested. That means all those painful emotions we’re not allowing ourselves to feel are going to remain trapped within our bodies. And that causes parts of us to go numb. Those parts of us shut down, and that diminishes our capacity to feel deeply for, and love, another person. It also creates barriers that prevent us from allowing another person to truly love us. We’re not able to let the love in.

Another thing that happens is that it predisposes us to attract more of the same kinds of individuals, and reenact many of the same painful relational dramas. The more we reenact the experiences that have caused us so much pain, and numb ourselves to the emotions that arise in response, the more shut down and the more disconnected we become. And that makes us even more likely to keep repeating the same patterns. It prolongs our suffering, and we end up experiencing far more pain than we would if we were to actually to face what’s really going on and fully process our emotions.

When you’re in the midst of a breakup, you’ve been ghosted, and you find yourself consumed by sadness, grief, and longing, the pain can be excruciating. And it’s made so much worse by the fact that we’ve never learned how to work effectively with our emotions, and that our current loss is evoking a long history of other losses and hurts we’ve experienced over our lives.

It’s important to acknowledge the loss you’re experiencing, or whatever painful relational drama you’re going through. It’s also important to acknowledge what you’re feeling in response to it. Allowing yourself to fully feel what you’re feeling can be different from anything you’ve ever done before. But instead of running from the pain, numbing yourself to what you’re feeling, or distracting yourself, let’s go right into the depths of it.

You do that by bringing as much awareness as you can to the painful emotions and bodily sensations as they arise. Feel yourself centering your awareness in the depths of these feelings and bodily sensations. As you do, breathe softly and deeply, experiencing the feelings and sensations as fully as you possibly can. Allow the feelings and bodily sensations to be what they are, without trying to change them. Allow the process to take whatever time it needs.

Breathing from the depths of all the painful, convoluted emotions activates the innate healing intelligence residing in your body and mind. It initiates the digestive process that enables you to metabolize your lived experiences of loss, and the emotions attached to them. As you work with this practice, it facilitates the healing of the deeply wounded parts of yourself. It increases your processing capacity, your ability to digest your lived experiences and emotional responses to them. It makes you far more resilient. It also increases your capacity to love and be loved.

When I’ve been able to remain present with the pain, continuing to breathe from the depths of what I was feeling, there have been many instances when I’ve felt the pain break open and come out of my body in waves. As that happened, I could feel subtle emanations of warmth emerging from within. Breathing with our awareness fully immersed in this comforting presence is especially healing and nourishing.

Containment, Permeability, and Emotional Capacity

Some of us are more fragile, and it can take time for us to develop the capacity to remain present with our emotions. And all of us have times when we still have to function, such as when we’re at work, caring for children, or handling other responsibilities. We need to be able to contain the powerful emotions that arise rather than being overwhelmed by them. At these times, it’s important that we learn to be permeable, and by that, I mean still being present to what we’re feeling, yet able to allow the emotions to flow through us.

Over the years, I’ve worked with many people who have suffered from a wide range of traumatic experiences. When I sense that someone is especially fragile, I won’t have them dive so deeply into their emotions, because I can feel they’re not ready for that yet. They lack the capacity to process such powerful emotions. Instead, I guide them through a process of becoming permeable.

To become permeable, simply bring your full awareness to what you’re feeling. Instead of diving into the depths of these emotions and bodily sensations, feel yourself softening as you breathe slowly, and deeply. As you continue to breathe, feel the emotions and sensations flowing through your body. You’re not trying to exhale or force the emotions out of your body. You just keep softening and breathing slowly and deeply, allowing the emotions to flow through you.

Becoming permeable, as I’m describing, is a very grounding and stabilizing practice. It often has the effect of diffusing the intensity of the emotions, making them more manageable. It helps you manage your own emotional states, experience greater calm, and be more functional in the midst of crisis situations.

Walking Meditation

The incredibly intense emotions that arise in response to a painful loss can be especially hard on the body, particularly if we’re suffering for extended periods of time. At these times, I find the walking meditation to be especially effective.

To get the most out of the walking meditation, start by finding as quiet a space as you can. Initially, you may need to stop for a moment to really tune into what you’re feeling in your body. If you're in the midst of heartbreak, bring the person or painful relational drama playing out in your life to the forefront of your awareness, and then notice how you're feeling in your body. After you’ve been working with this practice for a while, you’ll already be so connected with what’s going on emotionally that this tuning-in happens automatically, and you can begin to walk immediately.

Drop as deeply as you can into the depths of what you’re feeling, breathe softly and deeply while fully immersing your awareness in any emotions or bodily sensations that arise. As you feel the emotions rise, walk at a gradual pace, pacing your walk to the flow of feelings arising from within.

What I found, as I dropped into the depths of what I was feeling during my hours-long walks, is that I could feel the painful emotions held within me cycling through my body and the field surrounding it. The walking meditation wasn’t just helping my system metabolize the emotions, making them more bearable. I could also feel the healing presence of the Earth itself purifying what was heavy, painful, and stagnant, making it more digestible, and nourishing my body and the vulnerable parts of me.

I would often drop so deep into the feelings and emotions that I would experience very trance-like states. The best thing about it is that I found it to be incredibly healing.

Why Some Aspects of Healing Cannot Be Done Completely on Your Own

We need to be doing practice every day. And as I’ve said before, there are aspects of healing we cannot fully do on our own. I’ve found deep tissue bodywork helps bring more of the emotions held within my body up to the surface so I can process them, and work through the grief and other painful emotions faster. However, that can leave those with a limited processing capacity flooded by the emotions being brought to the surface.

Whenever I’ve gone through the vision quest, a traditional Native American practice that involves fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water, I could at times feel an extraordinarily powerful presence descending into my body. And as that happened, I could feel this presence working within me to transform and digest the trauma of my past, the painful relational drama I was going through at the time, and all the emotions tied to these experiences.

A new foundation began to take shape in those moments. Each time, I came out the other side having healed more of the deeply wounded parts of me, and feeling much lighter. And as a result, I continue to see improvements in the quality of my relationships.

Those who work with me individually experience healing that is in many ways very similar to what I experience when I go through the vision quest. The presence working through me facilitates a process, transforming and then digesting the residue of heartbreak, and other trauma and adversity you have lived through, and all the emotions tied to it. You come out the other side lighter, more resilient, and with a greater capacity to love and be loved, to connect with someone you can resonate with, and experience reciprocal love.

In closing, I want to say… Start where you are. Do what you can today. And keep going.

If you’re in the midst of a breakup or other painful loss, facing adversity, or feeling the need to break through to the next level in your growth, and you’re ready to take the next step, call or message me at (332) 333-5155.

You can also visit www.benoofana.com, www.teachmetomeditate.com, www.healmyheartache.com, and soon www.breakupfirstaid.com.

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