Every one of us has a unique configuration of deficits, resources and capabilities. Deficits are a lack of capacity or impairment in our ability to function. These deficits exist along a continuum from mild to severe. When it comes to romantic relationships, we need to take our own deficits into consideration, as well as those of our current and former partners and the of the individuals we’re hoping to pair up with.

Cognitive deficits stem from problems with an individual’s ability to think, learn, remember, exercise judgement, and make decisions. Signs of cognitive impairment include memory loss and trouble concentrating, completing tasks, understanding, remembering, following instructions, and finding workable solutions to problems.

Intellectual deficits or, in this case, disabilities may result from birth defects, traumatic brain injuries, fetal alcohol syndrome and dementia. Heavy alcohol consumption or the use of other recreational drugs can cause a reduction or impairment of cognitive function. Psychotropic medications can also cause neurocognitive deficits. Traumatic life events can also lead to cognitive impairment. Many people exhibit cognitive deficits because they were never taught how to question or think for themselves. Cognitive impairment can also be rooted in genetics. And some are just intellectually lazy.

Both attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and autism spectrum disorder (ASD) are neurodevelopmental disorders. A combination of genetic and environmental factors can contribute to the likelihood of a person developing ASD or ADHD. Dietary factors are also said to affect ASD.

People with autism may crave intimacy and love and yet they often don’t know how to attain it in a romantic relationship. Their tendency to be oblivious to the needs of and everyday subtle social cues from their partner can cause conflict and hurt feelings.

Being in a relationship with someone with ADHD presents its own set of challenges. During the early stages of a relationship, the partner affected by ADHD can focus intensely on the partner and the relationship. But their focus can shift quickly causing them to seemingly lose interest. Having to deal with the impulsiveness, inattentiveness, forgetfulness, and disorganization of a partner with ADHD can at times be maddening.

Alcohol and other recreational drugs are so much a part of our culture. Many people self-medicate with alcohol and other substances to escape from difficult emotions and the reality of their daily lives. Excessive use of these substances impedes people’s ability to process our emotions and bring issues to resolution. That stunts their emotional growth and interpersonal development.

People with narcissistic personality disorder can be extremely self-absorbed and, in many instances, have excessive needs for attention and admiration. Narcissists are incapable of loving or connecting emotionally. They lack empathy and are not able to understand the needs and feelings of others. Sociopaths will lie and steal. They may even physically harm you and yet they feel no remorse for their actions.

Smartphones, social media and other internet content are purposefully designed to be highly addictive. Our use of these technologies is changing the biochemical makeup and structure of our brains in ways that are making it harder for us to focus our attention. We’re not able to be as present to ourselves, other people or to what’s happening in our immediate surroundings. Consequently, many of us are developing attentional deficits that are making it difficult for us to form or maintain intimate relationships. 

Many of us are operating with emotional deficits because we didn’t have parents or anyone else in our lives to model healthy emotional expression. We’re creating and exacerbating existing emotional deficits when we numb ourselves to our authentic emotional responses.

It’s through our feelings that we form attachments. Shutting down emotionally can create deficits that prevent us from forming the deep emotional bonds that enable us to establish and maintain intimate relationships. The traumas that many of us are holding within our bodies also create barriers that diminish our capacity for intimacy.

We may exhibit neediness and desperation or hold on to individuals who abuse and abandon us because we’re holding so much hurt inside and have become so disconnected from the core of our being. When that happens, we’re operating from a deeply wounded childlike part of ourselves that is starving for love.

People struggling with interpersonal deficits lack crucial social skills. They may feel isolated and lonely and yet they find it difficult to converse with others and initiate or sustain relationships despite having a desire to do so.   

Problem solving involves identifying the source of our difficulties, asking for help when we need it, apologizing to others when we make mistakes, deciding what to do, and accepting the consequences of our actions. Many of us struggle to identify the root causes of our problems and are unable to recognize and implement workable solutions. We may avoid problems because it makes us feel uncomfortable. Failure to face the issues head on and accept responsibility for our actions makes us unreliable and immature. 

Those of us who grew up in highly dysfunctional families lack healthy role models. We internalized much of the craziness of our parents, siblings, educators, clergy and other people that have played a part in our lives. Our own emotional responses and the maladaptive coping mechanisms we adopted in order to survive became habituated. Our deficits tend to be more severe if we were emotionally, physically or sexually violated.

Replicating the painful patterns of our past

Most of us end up replicating painful patterns of the past in our intimate relationships because we don’t know how to do it any differently. When that happens, we may feel stupid, ashamed, and even blame ourselves for our failings.

We’re lacking the basic understandings and core relational skills for a number of reasons. These skills and understandings were probably not modeled by our parents, and we were never given any other opportunity to learn them. Our lack of essential understandings and skills severely limits what is possible in terms of the loving connections we can co-create in our intimate relationships.

Our own deficits and those of the individuals with whom we partner or that we’re wanting to be with often prevent us from relating in any kind of healthy way. The steps that we take to heal our emotional wounding and become more fully present increase our capacity to love and be loved and to co-create more fulfilling and meaningful relationships. It also helps us to develop greater empathy and compassion.

Knowing where to begin

Healing and transformation begin with an openness and commitment to learning and addressing our deficits. Start by admitting what you don’t know and the skills and capacities you’re lacking. To the best of your ability, identify the intrapersonal and interpersonal skills that you’re needing to develop. You may find it useful to ask yourself questions like, “How do I gain the understandings and relational skills that will enable me to successfully navigate my relationships?”

Acquiring the much-needed understandings, skills and capacities may, for some, feel like a daunting endeavor. Those who attain mastery in the martial arts recognize the gaps in their own abilities and then identify the specific skills they need to develop. They continually refine these skills through ongoing practice over the course of their lives to develop ever greater proficiency. For the best results, think of the process of developing the understandings and skills needed to successfully navigate your relationships as a lifelong journey.

Our willingness to continually learn and implement the knowledge and understanding we’re acquiring provides us with an opportunity to become the best version of ourselves. Our commitment to facing the issues that need to be dealt with as they arise makes it possible for us to learn from our own errors and from the examples of others.

Emotional intelligence

It’s through our feelings that we are able to form attachments. And yet many of us have spent so much of our lives numbing out emotionally. We cannot possibly share what we’re feeling when we’ve become so numbed to our authentic emotional responses that we don’t even know what they are.

Developing emotional intelligence is an ongoing process that enables us to better understand ourselves, the people with whom we’re interacting, the world we’re living in, and the issues concerning us. The following steps will assist you in cultivating emotional intelligence:

• Bring as much awareness as you can to any feelings that arise in response to your interactions with another person or the situation you’re dealing with.
• Notice where these feelings and any accompanying bodily sensations are situated in your body
• Breathe softly and deeply as you fully immerse your awareness in the depths of these feelings and bodily sensations
• Your feelings and bodily sensations will be going through a series of changes as you continue to breathe into them. Follow the feelings and sensations as they go through their progression
• Pay close attention to any insights you gain. Notice how your perspective or understanding of yourself, your partner or any other person or the situations concerning you changes
• When applicable, articulate any feelings, thoughts, insights, understandings and concerns that may be relevant to the person with whom you’re interacting

Knowing what you’re feeling

People who have spent their lives numbing to their emotional responses may find it difficult to distinguish between their thoughts and feelings. Thoughts pertain to ideas, perceptions and opinions. When asked, “How are you feeling?” a person who has spent their life shutting down emotionally is more likely to complain about their situation or tell you what they’re thinking about another person.

Feelings are our emotional responses to events, interactions, other people and the issues concerning us. If you’re in the midst of a painful breakup, a normal emotional response is to feel sadness and grief. If you’re afraid that your partner is going to leave you, you’re more likely to feel anxious. If you’re happily in love, you’re probably feeling a range of emotions, such as happiness, joy and excitement.

Shutting down emotionally causes us to freeze up on the inside. We don’t process information as well and we’re not getting as much of the big picture because we’ve disconnected from a whole bandwidth of our awareness. That makes it so much harder for us to learn the crucial lessons that our intimate partners and our relationships and other life experiences have to teach us. It also impedes our ability to adapt to our partner and their needs and our current situation.

When we become so disconnected from our emotions, we don’t understand our own needs or the motivations behind our actions. We’re more likely to say and do things that hurt our partner and damage our relationships. Emotional numbing also blinds us in a way that prevents us from recognizing the harmful effects of our words and actions.

Gaining access to and then doing the deep level processing of your feelings is one of the most crucial aspects of your healing process. Digesting your life experiences and subsequent emotional responses facilitates the healing of the wounded parts of you. You’re going to be developing greater awareness of yourself, other people, and your immediate surroundings.

You develop a warm comforting presence and become more present in your physical body and in your interactions with others. You will also become more understanding and develop greater empathy and compassion for yourself and others.

Empathy

Empathy gives us the capacity to truly care for the wellbeing of other people, animals, birds and other forms of life and the Planet Earth. Empathy helps us to understand the meaning behind people’s words. It gives us the capacity to perceive and relate to the thoughts and emotions and experiences of your intimate partner and other people so that we can respond appropriately.

Empathy doesn’t come easily if you’ve spent so much of your life numbing to your feelings and your body is holding a backlog of hurt, fear, resentment and other highly charged emotions. Escaping by spending too much time behind the screens of your devices and self-medicating with food, tobacco, alcohol and other drugs or using pharmaceuticals to numb the pain can deaden your capacity for empathy. Numbing to your feelings causes you to disconnect from your intuition and capacity for empathy. That can make it especially difficult for you to attune to others and their needs.

When you’re lacking empathy, you’re far more likely to overreact and become critical of or attack or do other things that hurt your partner and damage the relationship. You’re also less likely to be fully cognizant of the impact of your own words and actions upon others.

Your capacity for empathy will grow exponentially as you heal the deep emotional wounds. Working constructively with your emotions will enable you to develop a healthier and more intimate relationship with yourself. That will increase your capacity to care for your partner and grow the love between you. Bringing out the best in yourself and your partner will help you to realize the potential of your shared love and your partnership.

Asserting your needs

Many of us hold back on asserting our needs because of our fear of other people’s reactions. Our fears will often diminish if we find that our partner is more accepting and accommodating than we initially anticipated. And even when our partner does react, asserting our needs will help us to develop the inner strength that will enable us to establish healthier boundaries and firmly stand our ground. Asserting our needs can lift the heavy burden that many of us are inadvertently shouldering. This newfound sense of freedom can be especially liberating.

The sense of self-efficacy that you experience as you become more proficient in asserting your needs will have you feeling better about yourself. Your relationships will also become more rewarding.

• Start by taking time to reflect on your current set of circumstances, the relational dynamic and any interactions between you and your partner. You can deepen the process by breathing into any feelings and bodily sensations that arise.
• Be being honest with yourself as to how you’re feeling and what your specific needs are
• Be direct and unapologetic as you convey your needs to your partner
• Take responsibility for your own needs rather than making it about your partner. In other words, you’re openly and honestly conveying your desire for what you would like to happen rather than attacking or criticizing your partner.
• Understand that you are entitled to have and to assert your own basic needs.
• Strive for balance by asserting your own needs and preferences while balancing them with the needs and considerations of your partner.

On a physical level, we have basic needs for food, water, clothing, sleep and shelter. Some of our most basic emotional needs are for acceptance, affection, belonging, autonomy, empathy, love, security, trust and validation.

Romantic partners depend on one another to some extent to help meet one another’s needs. However, your romantic partner is not responsible for your happiness. Your partner is responsible for their own behavior. And they do have a responsibility to be honest and considerate.

Giving voice to your needs

You’re less likely to be aware of your own feelings or needs If you grew up in an environment where they were not acknowledged. Conflict can be even more intimidating if you grew up with parents who were abusive. For this reason, many of us tend to avoid conflict and, therefore, find it difficult to assert our needs or stand up for ourselves. Matters are often compounded by the fact that many of us don’t feel worthy. Consequently, we often accept the unacceptable.

Your feelings and needs may not be shown much consideration in your present relationships if you rarely voice them. As you learn to work constructively with your own emotional responses, you will naturally become more cognizant of your needs.

For you, a new and healthier way of relating may involve the practice of articulating your feelings and needs. Raise your expectations of how people are to treat you. Insist on being treated well by others and be willing to let go of those who are rude, hurtful or flaky. 

Giving voice to our thoughts and feelings can be considerably more difficult in the beginning if we haven’t had good role models. But practice asserting your needs. The process does become much easier over time with continued practice.

Our first impulse may be to say whatever comes to mind when we’re caught up in the heat of the moment. If we haven’t already done a great deal of internal work, there’s a greater risk of overreacting or saying and doing things that could cause harm to our partner and the relationship.

It’s important for us to recognize the space we’re in during those times when we find ourselves being triggered emotionally and to notice how it’s affecting our perspective. In some instances, we will need to give ourselves adequate time to process our thoughts and feelings so that we can communicate the message we wish to convey more effectively. At other times, we’ll find ourselves in circumstances where it is necessary to assert our needs and articulate what we’re thinking and feeling in the moment.

Rules for effectively addressing conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of being in an intimate relationship. Conflicts that fester or spiral out of control can cause considerable damage to relationships by destroying intimacy.

Working constructively with the issues as they arise can help you and your partner to increase your understanding of one another, bring issues to resolution and deepen intimacy.

Taking time to breathe softly and deeply while fully immersing your awareness in the depths of any feelings and bodily sensations that arise will deepen your awareness. Giving yourself adequate time to process your thoughts and emotions will provide you with the mental clarity needed to communicate more effectively.

Discuss one issue at a time

Jumping from one issue, grievance or criticism to another can easily magnify your disagreements, thereby causing your arguments to spiral out of control. Assaulting your partner with a litany of present and past grievances adds to the sense of confusion and overwhelm that makes it harder for you and your partner to come to any sense of resolution. Keep your discussion on track by addressing one issue at a time.

Refrain from degrading language and other personal attacks

Attacking your partner is never going to resolve the issues. You and your partner are more likely to lose track of the issues that need to be addressed if either of you is verbally assaulting the other. No name calling or putdowns. Sticking to the issue(s) that need to be addressed facilitates resolution, healing and growth.

Clearly articulate your needs and feelings while taking responsibility for them

A good way to take responsibility for your needs and what you’re feeling is to start your sentences with “I.” For example, “I feel hurt when you fail to respond to my calls or texts” or “I feel that I’m not important to you when you’re working such long hours and come home so late every night.” Taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings makes it easier for you to discuss difficult or challenging issues. Stating how the issue is affecting you will help to prevent your partner from feeling blamed.

Take turns talking

It can be hard to resist the urge to interrupt when you disagree with the words coming out of your partner’s mouth and it’s triggering you emotionally. But let your partner speak without interrupting. And listen carefully without thinking of what you’re going to say next.

Letting your walls down

Maybe your default coping mechanism has been to wall yourself off and refuse to communicate when conflicts arise that trigger you emotionally. Sure, it’s a convenient way to escape from all those feelings and issues you would rather not be dealing with. But the issues are not going to get resolved and you’re leaving your partner feeling even more upset. Tell your partner you need time out if you need space to sort things out but agree to a time and place to resume the discussion later on.

Tone it down

Raising your voice may in some instances intimidate your partner into submission, but that’s never going to help you, your partner or the relationships. If anything, it’s going to generate more upset, frustration, hostility, resentment and drama and that will invariably magnify your existing problems.

Communicating in a calm tone of voice helps to turn the temperature down. Deescalating can make the exchange more productive by making it easier for you and your partner to see each other’s point of view. Increasing your understanding will help you and your partner to resolve disagreements.

Conflict can lead to the demise of a relationship, and it can also provide a tremendous opportunity for healing and growth that brings you and your partner closer together

Unresolved conflict can drive you and your partner apart as the disputes escalate and the volume of hurt and anger increases. Altogether avoiding conflict isn’t going to help. The issues are not going to magically disappear. And all that pent up emotion that remains trapped within you and your partner’s bodies will create additional barriers that drive you further apart. If either of you is exploding into fits of rage, it’s going to wear on you and your partner while destroying any remaining intimacy. 

Addressing conflict constructively can also provide you with a tremendous opportunity for you and your partner to deepen your understanding and to heal individually and as a couple. Bringing issues to resolution strengthens your connection while drawing you and your partner closer together.

Intrapersonal and interpersonal skills

The word intrapersonal means within the self. Intrapersonal skills are the capabilities that we develop that enable us to effectively navigate life’s many challenges, manage our emotional responses, learn from our experiences and assimilate new information. These skills and capacities include emotional intelligence, self-confidence, resilience and discipline. Intrapersonal skills also help us to build and maintain a healthy relationship with an intimate partner.

Intrapersonal skills are about self-regulation. People with strong self-regulation capabilities tend to have an easier time:

• Managing their behavior and emotions
• Weathering challenges
• Working toward goals in spite of distractions
• Adjusting their strategy or approach when necessary

Interpersonal skills

Interpersonal skills are our social intelligence and are often referred to as people or social skills. They are the skills we use every day whenever we communicate and interact with our partner and other people.

Interpersonal skills include:

• Sensory acuity, the ability to pick up on and accurately interpret the signals that our partner is sending
• The ability to communicate clearly with our partner, whether we’re expressing our feelings, sharing an idea, asking a question, or responding positively to their communication
• Empathy, ability to tune into, understand and care for our partner
• The ability to work with our partner to achieve common goals and support them with their own hopes and aspirations
• The capacity to bring out the best in our partner and build a stronger relationship

Self-soothing

Self-soothing refers to our capacity to calm and comfort ourselves when we’re stressed out by difficult people and situations or when we’re feeling overwhelmed. Self-soothing helps us to reduce the amount of fear and anxiety within our bodies and minds so we can bounce back and respond from a more contained and balanced place.

Effective self-soothing techniques may include breathing into any distressing feelings that arise, painting, drawing or any other form of art, writing, getting out into nature, going for long walks or any other grounding or self-nurturing activities that can help us to diffuse the sense of overwhelm that we’re experiencing. 

Distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy needs

Safety, validation and love are some of our most basic human needs. They are also essential for the success of your relationships. It’s also important for us to be able to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy needs. Examples of unhealthy needs are incessant demands for attention or assurance that your partner still loves you. Or the need to control your partner.

Healthy needs include that of being valued and respected, to be listened to and actually heard, to have your feelings and needs considered and knowing that you’re safe physically and emotionally.

Within the context of your relationship you have legitimate needs for acknowledgement and to be able to count on your partner to be trustworthy and to actually do what they say they will do. Or the need to not have your conversations be continually interrupted by calls, text messages and social media notifications. Asking for what you need in terms of safety, validation, acknowledgment or having your partner call to let you know when they will be home are examples of the expression of healthy needs.

Relationship repair

Intimate relationships are faced with all sorts of challenges. Left unattended, the injuries resulting from an argument and the mistakes we’ve made due to our own ignorance and lack of understanding can result in feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, resentment and disappointment. They can also trigger fears of rejection. Knowing how to repair a relationship when feelings have been hurt is an essential skill.

Relational repair is not just about apologizing. It’s also about acknowledging the impact that your behavior has had upon your partner, whether it was intended or not. And when necessary, be willing to make amends by taking constructive action to make up for any harm that has resulted from your words or actions.

When a rupture is repaired, it demonstrates to each partner that the relationship is worthwhile and is solid enough to withstand these challenges. Issues that are addressed and disagreements brought to resolution give you and your partner an opportunity to heal the hurts and grow the love, trust and connection.

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of your own character, feelings, motivations and desires. As you develop greater self-awareness, you’re better equipped to evaluate yourself, manage your emotions and align your actions with your values.

As your self-awareness grows, you’re more cognizant of those instances when you’re seeing your partner or the relationship through a lens of past betrayals and abandonments. Or from the perspective of the vulnerable part of you that was harshly criticized as a child. Having this recognition and understanding of your own emotional wounding puts you in a better position to take the steps necessary facilitate healing.

When we see ourselves clearly, we’re naturally more confident and creative. We make better informed decisions, co-create healthier relationships and communicate more effectively.

Listen like you actually mean it

Empathetic listening is about deliberately slowing down to pay close attention to what is and is not being said with the intent of deepening your understanding of your partner and their emotional experience. It’s also about creating a safe space based on open and honest communication. Gaining a mutual understanding of each other’s thoughts, feelings, motivations and actions will help you and your partner become more deeply attuned to one another.

How do you listen empathetically?

• Start by becoming curious to learn and understand more about your partner and their views and ways of feeling
• Stay present by bringing as much attention as you can to your partner while quieting your own internal dialog
• Pay close attention to your partner’s body language, tone of voice and emotional states and other non-verbal cues
• Ask open-ended questions that show you’re paying attention to what is being said while simultaneously inviting a detailed response such as “How would you approach this issue?” or “What do you feel you need in this situation?”
• To ensure you’re hearing your partner correctly, it helps to play back what you’re hearing paraphrased with “What I think I’m hearing you say is… Am I getting it right?” to confirm that you understand what is being said

Open and honest communication facilitates healing by encouraging the release of pent-up emotions while building trust and respect. It helps to create a safe environment that is conducive for collaborative problem solving and where each partner can negotiate their needs.

Self-mentoring

We unwittingly internalize many of life’s setbacks and disappointments, rejections and criticisms along with whatever else has hurt us. When we repeatedly relive our past and replay the same thought processes, our lives can easily become a series of painful reenactments.

It’s wonderful when we have the opportunity to look to a supportive mentor for encouragement. Not all of us are afforded that luxury. And even if we do have a mentor, they cannot possibly be with us at all times.

Self-mentoring is the ability to speak to yourself in kind and encouraging ways. Engaging the more vulnerable parts of yourself with a supportive internal dialog can help you to gain insight and perspective while making more empowered meanings of what has already taken place or what is currently happening.

Self-discipline

Self-discipline is about living from a place of integrity. It means keeping your word to yourself and others by actually doing what you say and saying what you do. It’s also about commitment and consistency. At this time in history, many of us are finding it incredibly difficult to focus our attention. Smartphones, social and other digital media are purposefully designed to be highly addictive. These technologies are literally rewiring our brains.

Set limits on the time you spend scrolling through your Instagram, TikTok and other social media updates. Put down your phone, put it out of sight or just turn it off. And be more consistent with the practices and make use of the therapeutic interventions that will facilitate your healing and growth.

Courage

True healing and growth requires a lot of courage on your part. Start by expanding your definition of honesty. You’re being dishonest with yourself and everyone else when you numb out and distract yourself or refuse to face the issues. Demonstrate courage by facing the issues head on and experience your authentic feeling responses as they arise.

Growth-orientation

Growth orientation is the ability to inspire or motivate yourself to realize your true potential by becoming all that you can be. It is a commitment to doing whatever it takes to heal and grow into the best version of yourself. Take note of the skills and capabilities that you want to develop that will improve the quality of your relationships and other aspects of your life going forward.

Keep your mind open to learning and exploring. Approach your relationships and all aspects of life with an open mindedness and curiosity to develop new skills and capacities. As you do so, you will learn to trust yourself to create a more rewarding and meaningful experience of life going forward.

Keep yourself open to finding new resources to help you grow and develop new skills and capabilities. You may discover these resources through books, classes, videos, workshops and innumerable other sources. Making use of the most effective practices and therapeutic interventions can greatly accelerate your healing journey.

Bridging the gaps

Many aspects of my own upbringing were highly dysfunctional. I grew up in the Evangelical Christian cult with a parent and series of stepparents who were, at times, emotionally and physically abusive. I often found myself on the receiving end of a great deal of anger and manipulation.  There was also a long history of alcoholism over multiple generations.

In some ways, I was highly resourceful, but in other respects, I didn’t know how to assert my own basic needs or stand up for myself as I reached adulthood. I often found myself in compromising situations where I felt vulnerable and intimidated. That made it especially difficult for me to assert my own basic needs and set appropriate boundaries.

I was acutely aware of the gaps in my understanding and ability to function. I could feel these gaps emotionally and energetically and in my physical body. But I always had a profound desire to learn whatever I needed to know and to develop the capabilities that would enable me to accomplish all that I wanted to do. I was also determined to do whatever it took to attract the love I desire and improve the quality of my relationships. I would often ask myself questions like, “What changes do I need to make and how do I go about it?”

Like so many other people who have grown up in highly dysfunctional environments, I held a lot of frustration, sadness, anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, hurt and other unpleasant emotions within my body. These traumas and unprocessed emotions held within my body took up an enormous amount of bandwidth. The distorted filter through which I perceived the world had a hugely negative impact upon my outlook and emotional state. In many respects, it was incapacitating. 

The numbing and disconnect meant that I wasn’t fully present in my body, and my senses were dulled. I lacked many of the resources needed to be a fully functioning adult. And I didn’t have as much available bandwidth with which I could form or sustain meaningful relationships.

Being determined to do whatever it took to heal, I worked with a psychotherapist for a few years in my mid to late twenties, read volumes of clinical psychology and self-development and later graduated to audible books. I attended workshops and explored any practice or therapeutic intervention that held promise.

What made the greatest difference is the series of meditation practices I developed, deep tissue body work, the sessions I did with gifted healers and the vision quest. The vision quest for those who don’t know is a traditional Native American healing process that involves fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food and water.

I can always feel parts of myself opening up and becoming more fully present as I continue to work with these practices and interventions. I feel a distinct sense of having more available bandwidth and cannot help but notice the difference as my senses become more vivid. I can feel that there’s much more of me here to engage in my relationships and all other aspects of life than there was before. The quality of my relationships continue to improve.

The steps I’ve taken over the years to heal my own emotional wounding has not only increased my -self-awareness. It also helped me to develop a greater awareness of other people and my surroundings. This heightening of my sensory capacity has also made it easier for me to recognize the deficits in other people. 

I can always see and feel the emotional wounding and the disconnect and deadening as I look into people’s bodies and minds. I see and feel how it limits their ability to form meaningful connections and hinders them in many other areas of their lives.

Having trained with a traditional Native American doctor, I act as a conduit by allowing an extraordinarily powerful presence to work through me. I can also see the transformation occurring as the backlog of stagnant emotions are transformed and digested and the deadened and disconnected parts of the self are brought back to life.

I find it especially gratifying to watch the process that occurs in the people I’m working with as the deep emotional wounds heal and their lives are being transformed. New capabilities begin to emerge as previously untapped resources become more readily available.

Those who have the opportunity to work with me become more fully present and are able to pursue their deepest passions and excel in their careers and other areas of their lives. Many are able to let go of unhealthy partners or transform existing relationships. Or they attract healthier companions and co-create more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.

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