Easing the Unbearable Sense of Aloneness

Aloneness has been a predominating theme at various times in my life. I found it difficult to relate to or connect with people in the Southeast Texas community where I spent much of my adolescence. I remember always wanting to be somewhere else. I felt more connected while living among Native American communities in Oklahoma and New Mexico. But I felt I had no recourse other than to leave after a few years because of the alcoholism and other dysfunction that had become so prevalent among the communities I was living in. Having the traumas of my childhood and adolescence surface only added to the sense of isolation I experienced during my mid-twenties.

Intuitively I knew that I would be spending time abroad and saw New York City as jumping-off point. Moving from the wide-open spaces of New Mexico to New York City was quite an adjustment. The city had more of a sense of excitement in the early years because I was going to concerts nearly every week and actually meeting and sometimes getting to know some of my favorite composers and recording artists.

New York City is in many ways about as far removed as one can become from nature with all its brick, concrete and tall buildings. That disconnect from nature is quite evident among people living in the city. Even making friends in New York City can be difficult. I was going to yoga classes until the teacher I was working with left the city. Those who attended usually didn’t spend much time talking to one another before or after the classes. Many would show up just in time for class and go right into practice and then quickly get dressed and leave as soon as the class was over.

The advent of smartphones, tablets and other devices has only made matters worse. Many people’s primary relationship is now with their phones. Rather than talk with the people in their immediate proximity, many are now more inclined to tap and scroll while staring into the screens of their devices.

Depending on where your live, work and spend your leisure time in the city, you can easily find yourself feeling overwhelmed. You’re continually surrounded by eight million people, and most likely holed up in a tiny apartment with people living above, below and on all sides of you. And then you have to deal with all the noise. You hear other people’s conversations, their music and television. And you hear the sounds of traffic and garbage trucks in the middle of the night. And there are so many lights and highly intrusive visual input from all the LCD monitors in the subways, busses and taxis. And then there’s the massive LCD monitors the size of billboards posted on the sides of buildings that you often cannot help but look at.

The massive amount of input flooding through our sensory channels greatly impedes our ability to do the deep level processing of our life experiences and our subsequent cognitive and emotional responses. It’s that inability to do the much-needed internal processing that leaves us disconnected from the various parts of ourselves. And when we disconnect from parts of ourselves, we cannot help but become more disconnected from those around us.

It’s through our emotions that we are able to form attachments to other people. But when there is so much distraction, our attention is continually being disrupted. Our attention is constantly being pulled by the people around us, text messages, Facebook, Instagram, news updates and a never-ending stream of notifications and the ever-increasing number of intrusive LCD monitors.  

We cannot possibly be present with ourselves. We cannot focus our attention long enough to do the deep level processing of our life experiences or our cognitive and emotional responses. We therefore cannot maintain the focus needed to establish or maintain healthy and lasting attachments to other people.

The city has for me been one of the more difficult places to establish any kind of meaningful connection. After struggling to survive in New Mexico, I have been hesitant to walk away from the practice I have worked so hard to establish. I was on the verge of leaving in 2002 when someone attempted to mug me one evening in lower Manhattan. I whipped out pepper spray and chased the attacker down the street. Soon thereafter I began my training in Xin Yi Quan and Baguazhang with Sifu Li Tai Liang.

Internal Martial Arts such as Xin Yi Quan and Baguazhang have their roots in Taoism. Various aspects of these disciplines have been passed down in secret for hundreds and in some instances thousands of years. It’s rare to find someone who possesses a firm grasp of these disciplines that is willing to share what they know. Those who attain mastery in these disciplines often spend a lifetime further refining their practice. Not being one to halfway do things, I feel that I would be foolish to just walk away from such an opportunity.

Sometimes I find it hard to imagine how one can be so alone in the midst of eight million people. But that often seems to be the reality of everyday life for many who reside in the city. If there’s one thing I’ve learned while living in New York City, it’s how to be alone.

There was a time a few years after moving to the city when there were five women on the periphery. I was putting out so much energy in my attempt to sustain any kind of meaningful connection. It always seemed that it was up to me to make the effort to stay in touch. One night I realized how unhappy I was attempting to sustain these connections. It was obvious that I had lost my sense of balance. I knew from the moment I felt how overextended I had allowed myself to become that I had to stop. I felt myself completely letting go that evening. And for the next month I would breathe into the empty void.

As my empathetic senses grew stronger, I began to develop a greater awareness of myself and the various facets of my interactions with other people. I could feel if I was resonating with someone or not. I could feel if I was overextending or investing too much in another person. That gave me a better sense of when or if to engage and how much time and effort to invest. I could also feel when it was time to let go.

Longstanding connections are more the norm for me. But there’s way in which a lot of people in New York City would show up in my life only to disappear. It would feel as though they were fully present in the moment and yet many could not sustain this level of presence. The disappearing act is also fairly commonplace with the people showing up for my classes, that work with me individually and those who were at one time a part of my personal life.

In many ways, I find it easier to relate to women than I do to men. Given the opportunity, I usually prefer to spend time with women and have done so since I was in college. I met many of the women I have connected with over the years in all kinds of random locations and situations as I went about my day. And there was more of an ease and effortless flow to our interactions.

Living in New York City is a whole different reality. I found that women in city were more likely to be fearful and mistrusting of men they don’t know. The small percentage of badly behaving men who make catcalls and sexually inappropriate comments, expose themselves on the subways and that perpetrate acts of sexual violence cause many women to feel unsafe. Younger and more attractive women can be especially vulnerable and end up getting a lot of unwanted attention.

Women are faced with the threat of sexual violence and other dangers that the vast majority of men never have to deal with. I make a conscientious effort to be mindful of these concerns as I interact with women. I have met and interact with so many women in all kinds of contexts in different parts of the United States and in my travels abroad. And based upon my experiences, I get the sense that most are able to get an intuitive sense that allows them to feel safe with me. That means a lot to me, because I love connecting with women. And I strive to be caring, trustworthy and to be a good friend.

I have experienced so many barriers when it comes to connecting with women in New York City. Much of that has to do with the fearful guarded mindset. Many appear to lack that intuitive capacity that would allow them to tune into their own feelings and physical bodies and the person with whom they’re interacting to know when they’re safe. That may have a lot to do with the overwhelming amount of stimulation that one experiences living in New York City.

I have on many occasions suggested sitting down for conversation over tea or meeting in some other neutral setting. Sadly, these conversations often never happen. I have often felt tremendous sadness for all those potential friendships and possibly a few intimate connections that never happened.

The dating scene here in the city is incredibly dysfunctional. Lots of men and women here lacking interpersonal skills don’t feel they can connect with a potential partner unless it’s through a dating app. But texting and dating apps such as Tinder are further complicating matters because men and women are not really having conversation and getting to know one another. Consequently, many are not developing any kind of warm, empathetic emotional bond.

Women obviously have far greater reason to be concerned for their safety and to exercise caution. Many are fearful when it comes to connecting with a man on any level that they meet in a public space, and yet many of these same women are using Tinder and other dating apps to hook up with total strangers.

There have been many instances in the city where I have met women who were initially very responsive to me and that indicated that they wanted to continue the conversation. What I have found so disheartening is that many disappear after one or a few emails or calls or they never respond at all. And from the comments of so many other men I have spoken with in the city, this seems to be so typical of what they experience in their attempts to connect with women. And then I’m also hearing a lot of women complaining that they’re not meeting anyone or that they don’t have anyone in their lives. Although many of those who complain fail to see the part they are playing in creating this reality.

Safety and wellbeing are legitimate concerns that all of us need to be mindful of. At the same time, we’re only going to heal our aloneness when we’re able to tune into our intuition to get a sense of who is safe and bridge the gaps by having ongoing conversations with one another.

To feel like I’m starting to connect with someone and only to have them disappear is hugely disappointing and sometimes painful. But the lack of interpersonal congruence in both women and men seems to be so commonplace, if not the norm here in New York City. I learned to cope by not investing too much in anyone I meet or interact with until they demonstrate that they are worthy of being taken seriously. Many other men and women that I have spoken with have related similar experiences of people showing up in their lives and then disappearing.

There have often been times when I didn’t have much to do if I wasn’t working. I had no one that I could pick up the phone and call. And there was no one that I could go out and do things with. I ended up spending much of my free time alone.

I do see lots of couples and families and know many people who have made a life for themselves in the city. The city does apparently work for those who are on the right wavelength. Or maybe if they happen to fall into the right circle of people or get introduced to the right person. And there are those who are fortunate to find someone with whom they truly connect on Tinder or Match.com.

Although the majority of the people I know who are happily coupled found their love in other states or parts of the world and then moved to New York City. I have also known a lot of foreign nationals who returned to their home country to find a life partner and then brought their spouse here.

Whether we connect or not in a place like New York City has a lot to do with how we resonate with the place and the people living therein. I have experienced the exact opposite of the aloneness that has been so much a part of my life in the city during the times I have spent in India and Sri Lanka. I feel much more connected to the land and its people in this part of the world. I have on a number of occasions had a van load of friends come to pick me up when I arrived in Sri Lanka or take me back to the airport when it was time for me to depart. The warmth and companionship I experience in both India and Sri Lanka makes me want to stay for at least half the year, but I’m not sure how to make it work financially because of the economic disparity.

Having someone with whom we truly resonate to share our lives is one of the most wonderful feelings in that it gives us this incredibly warm comforting sense of connectedness. We derive tremendous healing nourishment feeling the comforting touch of a loving companion. And we are comforted by the sound of their voice. But it’s a whole different feeling when we’re living in this empty void with no one in our lives. There is no one to come home to or to talk with and share what we’re going through. And there’s no one to hold us. With so little emotional connection or physical contact, it can feel like we’re not really connected to anyone or anything. It often feels as though we’re deficient in some critically important nutrients for our well-being.

We are all relational beings. We are meant to nourish and be nourished by one another through our interactions. We have basic human needs for love and companionship. We have needs for physical and emotional intimacy and to have someone in our lives that we can love and be loved by. But many of us have gone for years and possibly even decades with no one in our lives that we can love or be loved by. We may not even have all that many friends or family to turn to. In our efforts to reach out to others, we find that many of the people we’re attempting to connect with have built so many layers of defensive armor around themselves and have therefore walled themselves off to us and other people with whom they could experience some kind of meaningful connection.

Many of us try to fill the empty void with shopping, food, alcohol and other recreational drugs or we numb the sadness we feel in response to our aloneness with antidepressants. We anesthetize ourselves with television or we go online and spend inordinate amounts of time scrolling through our Facebook and Instagram feeds. Or we’re swiping through profiles on Tinder and other dating sites. I remind myself at times to put the phone away when I’m out and about on public transportation so that I can be more fully present to the people and the world around me. And I’ll close my internet browser if I’m at home and my computer is on.

Without the nourishment that I would have derived from fiends and a loving companion, I was forced to go within to find sustenance. Breathing into the aloneness opened doorways within that have enabled me to feel a stronger connection with the authentic core residing deep within and to the higher power. Working with this practice also helped me to become more firmly grounded in my physical body.

I had for the longest time done everything I could to resist the unbearably painful feelings of longing. But after some time, I realized that I needed to become fully present to all that I was feeling. I taught myself to become more fully present by breathing softly and deeply while centering my awareness in the middle of any feelings or physical sensations that arose. The painful feelings of longing would gradually ease up as I continued to breathe into them.

At other times, I would experience far more subtle feelings of emptiness. The emptiness has at times felt like a void where nothing moves. I have to become incredibly still while softening my breathing so that I can gain access to this empty void. I would often focus my attention on the feelings and sensations that I was able to access in the middle of my chest.

There have been times when I experienced a flat sensation which was more like an absence of feelings. As I went deeper into my chest cavity, it often felt like layers of numbness. It feels like these parts of me that had experienced so much aloneness over the years had shut down or gone into a deadened state. I would keep breathing into all that felt numbed or deadened. Feelings of sadness and grief would sometimes emerge out of those numbed or deadened places within me.

Breathing into the longing, loneliness, emptiness and the parts of us that have become numbed or that have gone into a deadened state awakens the innate healing intelligence that resides within our bodies and minds. I could often feel the layers of armor dissolving after breathing into them for extended periods of time. The numbed or deadened parts of me began to come back to life. I would sometimes feel vapors or even a stream of feeling and my own essence flowing from the depths of my body. The flow or emanation emerging from my inner core grows stronger as I continue to breathe into the feelings of aloneness. I can sense that opening to this flow of feelings is deepening my connection to the authentic core residing deep within.

There’s another kind of meditative practice that I find helpful that involves breathing with my attention focused on the feelings and sensations within the abdomen. Breathing with our awareness focused on the feelings and sensations in the visceral organs situated within the abdomen helps us to become more grounded in our physical bodies. It puts us in touch with a deeper instinctual bandwidth of our body – mind consciousness. Breathing with our awareness centered within the feelings and sensations that we experience in this part of our bodies also helps us to experience a stronger connection to the Earth.

We are far more likely to experience a sense of aloneness when we and the people around us are living in their own bubbles. I spend a lot of time focusing my attention on whatever feelings and sensations I experience throughout my body as I’m moving about the city. Maintaining this practice helps me to be more rooted in my body. And it helps me to be more present to the people around me. I find that I’m also more fully present to whatever is taking place in my immediate proximity.

As I move about the city, I will sometimes breathe the coldness and alienation of the brick and concrete. I’ll breathe the sense of aloneness I feel as I ride the subways seeing so many people mindlessly staring into their phones. I’ll breathe the sense of being left out when I walk through the streets on Friday and Saturday nights, seeing couples enjoying themselves in restaurants or many other people out partying with friends and hitting the bars. I’ll breathe the stabbing feeling in my heart when women I’m making friendly conversation with reflexively tense up or project their fears onto me. I’ll breathe the distance I feel with those who won’t even make eye contact. I breathe the feelings of disappointment for those who were initially friendly, but never answered my email or returned my phone call. Breathing into whatever I’m feeling at any given moment eases any uncomfortable feelings. Working through all those layers of feeling brings me back to the comforting presence of my own source within.

It’s normal to feel the desire and longing for some form of meaningful intimate connection. And yet it can be extraordinarily difficult to form any kind of meaningful connections when people are so wounded and become so fearful of one another and wall themselves off.

Having to go for such extended periods of time without being able to meet our basic human needs for love, companionship and physical and emotional intimacy can leave us feeling a sense of neediness and desperation. After so many failed attempts, we feel a sense of resignation and part of us may even give up hope of ever finding someone. There’s a deadening that takes place within our hearts as that happens. Our sexuality may even begin to shut down after a while.

It can be rough out there. We will very likely feel hurt and disappointed in our attempts to connect to people who are not all that present and whose hearts are not open. But it’s important for us to find the courage to keep putting ourselves out there and to engage with those individuals we feel drawn to if we sense there is a potential for platonic friendship or a more intimate connection. We need to live from a place of greater authenticity. We also need to be open and responsive, engaging with those with whom we truly resonate. And by doing so, we are more likely to attract those individuals who have the capacity to care and that share our passions.

The experience of being alone can elicit feelings of sadness, loneliness and longing. Feelings of loneliness and other emotional responses that we fail to process accumulate within our bodies over time creating a heavy stagnant presence. These feelings have a numbing or deadening effect. These accumulated feelings of loneliness reinforce our disconnectedness from other people and the world in which we live. These layers of stagnant emotion can create additional barriers between ourselves and others. We need to be working with effective practices and healing interventions to dissolve these barriers by transmuting the stagnant emotions. And by doing so, we create a more attractive presence.

We need to taking time on a daily basis to acknowledge what’s happening and then to breathe softly and deeply while centering our awareness in the middle of any feelings or sensations that arise in response to what we’re going through. Deep tissue body work will help us to bring the stagnant emotions that get trapped within our bodies up to the surface so that we can process them. It will also help us to compensate for the lack of much-needed physical contact.

I have for years relied upon the vision quest, a traditional Native American healing practice that involves going out to fast alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. I have no one to speak or interact with during those four days and nights I’m spending alone in the mountains, but that’s okay because I feel connected to a presence far greater than myself.

The vision quest is far too intense for most people in our modern-day world. Working individually with a gifted healer such as myself will help you to digest the sadness, grief, loneliness and other emotions trapped within your body. And in doing so, it will bring an aliveness back to your feelings and physical body. The individual sessions will also help you to develop greater mental, physical and emotional resilience so that you can bounce back more readily.

We all have an authentic inner core residing deep within. But many of us lose touch with this part of ourselves as it gets buried underneath the many layers of emotional armor and the stresses of daily life that accumulate within our bodies. We also lose touch with this inner core when we live a life that is not in alignment with our unique purpose. But that’s what happens when we internalize and live according to the values of other people and society. Becoming so disconnected from our inner core being compounds our sense of aloneness. Working with the practices and healing interventions I’m sharing in this chapter gives us a more direct access to our inner core being.

I have and will continue to do my best to show up more fully present. I make a concerted effort to remain open, friendly and engaging. Despite my best efforts, lasting meaningful attachments have not been all that plentiful for me in New York City. I continue to work with the practices that have enabled me to grow and evolve. And yet I’m fully cognizant of the fact that I’m not going to have that much impact when it comes to changing the city or the people residing therein.

It’s possible that I could end up meeting someone here with whom I share a deep and meaningful connection. I have seen it happen for other people that had given up on the possibility of ever finding that someone special. Some have found love after spending many years in the city without a companion. What’s been working better for me is spending more time in places where I feel a greater sense of resonance. I’ve been spending more time in other cities and parts of the United States. I have also been spending more time in Sri Lanka.

New York City has its own rules of engagement. Those of us who live in the city are more likely to meet through their social networks consisting largely of friends and acquaintances. Many meet at school or work. Many people are meeting though dance, theatre and other activities they’re involved in. And these days, more and more of us are meeting on dating apps. It’s unfortunate that many people feel that dating apps are their only option for meeting potential partners. The problem with meeting on apps is that these connections tend to hold little value and are often short lived.

We’re surrounded by millions of people on the streets, subways and other public spaces and yet we often don’t make eye contact or talk with one another. Or if we do happen to talk, we’re not going to allow the connection to go any further because we don’t know that person. I have always found it difficult to adapt to these rules of engagement, because it would close me off to all kinds of amazing people who can greatly enrich my life.

So many of us are missing out on so many valuable opportunities to connect with one another because we are so incapable of tuning into our intuitive senses consisting of our feelings and physical bodies and really thinking for ourselves. And so we end up following these rules that greatly limit and that close us off to the possibility of all kinds of amazing experiences and people that would enable us to heal and grow as individuals.

It’s this inability to tune into our own intuitive faculties that prevents so many of us from knowing when and with whom we are safe. And it prevents us from trusting the part of ourselves that says, “I’ve really enjoyed my interaction with this person and therefore I want to see this person again and continue the conversation.” And that’s one of the primary reasons so many of us living in the city don’t connect and end up being alone.

I have never been a group person or had large circles of friends that I could meet other people through. I’m more likely to connect with select individuals as I go about my day. It’s normal for me to connect with people wherever I go in all kinds of random situations. I’m more inclined to talk with whoever happens to be in my immediate proximity at any given moment that I feel I can resonate with because that’s what feels natural to me. I met most of the people who have played a part in my life by maintaining this kind of openness.

Many of us are guilty of being weirdly ambiguous when it comes to forming and maintaining attachments with other human beings. We may say that we’re lonely and complain that we don’t have friends or someone special in our lives, but we’re not being fully honest with ourselves, or anyone else for that matter, in seeing the role that we are playing in creating this reality. We often pass up, squander and completely ruin good opportunities to form meaningful connections with others. Much of our aloneness has to do with our failure to respond to those who reach out to us. We need to be taking a good look at our own lack of interpersonal congruence. And by deconstructing our walls, we will invariably discover that we are surrounded by all kinds of amazing people with whom we can connect.

Your experience of aloneness will only change when you take constructive action, individually and collectively, to effect meaningful change in your life. Showing up fully present with a willingness to engage with others is not always easy, and yet this critically important step will greatly increase your likelihood of forming meaningful connections.

You are far more likely to connect with people with whom you truly resonate when you keep yourself in an open receptive state. You can connect with other individuals who will bring tremendous value to your life in a class, workshop, a dance or sporting event, in a work setting, a supermarket or even on public transportation. Tune into your feelings and physical body to gain an intuitive sense of the people you come into contact as you go about your day.

Make eye contact, smile and engage in conversation with those who feel comfortable. Look for any point of mutual interest or commonality and start talking. Continue to engage in conversation if the other person is receptive.

Exchange email addresses, phone numbers or whatever contact information you feel comfortable giving out if the interaction goes well and you continue to have a good feeling about the person with whom you’re interacting.

Continue the conversation you started by reaching out by email, text or phone. Respond to their efforts to connect with you by replying to their text, email or return their phone call.

Meet again over coffee or some other neutral setting where you can engage in further conversation. Go to a museum, an art opening or do any of a million other activities that will give you and the other person a better opportunity to get to know one another.

Three of the women that I’ve worked with over the past few years that have followed my suggestions now have a man in their lives. All three are crediting the advice I gave them for the fact that they were in the kind of open and receptive space that made it all possible. One of the three is now married.

Connecting with other human beings can definitely be more challenging in a place like New York City. And yet meaningful connections are far more likely to happen when you make a concerted effort to show up more fully present on a daily basis.

©Copyright 2019 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. Ben Oofana is a healer who began his training with Horace Daukei, one of the last surviving traditional doctors among the Kiowa Indian tribe. Call (913) 927-4281 to learn more or to schedule an individual session.

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