People often talk about being fully present. Although it sounds like a nice idea, no one is ever fully present because presence occurs in degrees. What I do on a daily basis—and encourage others to do in their own lives—is make a concerted effort to become more mindful, catching themselves when they’re either checking out or not being all that present. When that happens, I suggest making a deliberate effort to show up more fully present.

In the past few months, I’ve experienced some frustration in my efforts to connect with people I’ve worked with and those who have been part of my life in other contexts. Whether it’s wishing someone a happy birthday, receiving a Christmas greeting, or simply feeling, “It’s been a really long time, let’s talk,” there’s a longing—and sometimes a real need—to connect on the phone, even if just for a few minutes. Sometimes it’s about logistical matters, like coordinating schedules or travel plans for the coming months. I don’t necessarily need long conversations—five to fifteen minutes would suffice. Keeping in touch is important, and there’s something irreplaceable about actually speaking with someone rather than just exchanging a message or two.

It’s easy to feel disappointed when we reach out to people and don’t receive the response we hoped for. While many of us are living demanding lives, it’s important to remember that maintaining meaningful connections requires effort. When someone takes the time to reach out, responding isn’t just a courtesy—it’s a way to show that you value and appreciate them. Ignoring these opportunities risks taking people for granted, sending the unspoken message that their effort to connect with you doesn’t matter.

There have been numerous instances where I reached out to someone—a person I’ve worked with, someone I considered a friend, or even my own father—and didn’t hear back. In those moments, I’ve thought to myself, “That’s it. Fuck it. I’m done.” I don’t see any point in one-sided relationships—it’s better to walk away. And yes, I’ve had relationships end that way. The immediate loss can sting at times, but it often creates space for other, more reciprocal connections.

In today’s world, many of us have become so disconnected, spending more time on our devices or caught up in work and other responsibilities than with one another. Ironically, while we often complain about feeling lonely, we may fail to recognize that meaningful connections don’t just happen—they require time, intention and effort. Taking even a small amount of time to engage and reach back can go a long way in sustaining the relationships that truly matter.

In years past, you’d simply pick up the phone and call someone. If they didn’t answer, you’d leave a voicemail, and they’d call you back. Sometimes, friends would even stop by unannounced. There was a natural flow to it. These days, there’s a new etiquette—partly because people are so busy and, for many, less adept at conversation. There’s a noticeable lack of flexibility and spontaneity in engaging with others.

Now, the norm is to text someone first and arrange a time to call. While I can see the value in scheduling a time, I can’t help but miss the spontaneity, the immediacy of engagement, and the way, if someone was available, they’d simply pick up the phone and dive right into conversation.

One of the things I miss most about the 1990s is how my practice seemed to sustain itself. Back then, people were less distracted and less inundated by the firehose of digital media blasting our sensory channels, as we now contend with. Today, I have to work exponentially harder—not only to get people’s attention, but to hold it long enough to facilitate the healing they came to me seeking. My days usually begin with meditation, Chi Gong, and martial arts practice. The remainder of the day is filled with the healing sessions I facilitate for others, calls to make, books to read or listen to, notes to take, articles to write, videos to film, and newsletters to send. Often, my agenda for the day is on my mind from the moment I wake up.

But there are times when something breaks through the structure of my day—an unexpected moment of connection. Maybe I meet someone spontaneously at an event, get caught up in a conversation on a flight, or feel that natural openness I often experience with people I connect with when I'm spending time in countries in other parts of the world, where curiosity and spontaneity seem to flow so effortlessly. Sometimes it’s a phone call from someone on the other side of the planet—someone who isn’t caught up in the “send a text first to arrange a call” etiquette. Maybe they've read an article I wrote or watched one of my videos and felt moved to reach out to me.

In those moments, I let go of my agenda. I drop what I’m doing and remind myself to simply be present, to feel the connection and engage fully, even if it’s just for that brief encounter. It’s in these moments that I tap into something profound: the beauty of authentic connection and the richness, depth and dimension it brings to my life.

Present and Engaged in Real Time

So many people nowadays rely on texting as their primary mode of communication. While texting can be effective for logistical details—letting someone know you’ll arrive by 6 p.m. or that you’re running ten minutes late—it falls short in meaningful interactions. Texting keeps us in a dissociative mode of communication because it’s the least present you can possibly be while engaging with another person. You can’t hear the sound of their voice, their tone, or inflection. You can’t see their facial expressions or feel their presence. This often leads to misinterpretations and misunderstandings, which are all too common.

What’s more, texting deprives us of the vital nutrients we derive from face-to-face interactions or even from hearing the sound of the other person's voice over the phone. Over time, our minds, brains, and bodies become habituated to being increasingly removed from direct engagement with other human beings. This disconnection can profoundly impact our ability to form meaningful relationships and truly understand one another.

It’s especially frustrating when people I work with—many of whom are dealing with health-related issues, trauma, or feeling overwhelmed by their emotions—attempt to address these complex matters via text. I can’t adequately address such issues through a few lines on a screen. Then there are logistical matters involving travel, dates, flights, accommodations, and other details, where we need to ensure we’re on the same page. My answer? Call me.

When I have something important to say and want to make sure the other person truly understands what I’m trying to communicate, I make a concerted effort to get them on the phone. That way, we’re both fully present, engaging in real time, and far less likely to misinterpret or miss the nuances of the conversation.

Meditations to Get You More into Your Body and Life

There are so many forms of meditation out there, and while some practices are incredibly powerful and highly effective, others offer little in the way of substantial benefits. In recent years, meditation apps and guided meditations have become very popular, but these are often like preschool or kindergarten for meditation—helpful for beginners but ultimately focused on something outside of yourself. They don’t go deep enough to be truly transformative or effective.

Another concern I have is that many forms of meditation encourage a kind of spiritual bypass. These practices can leave you disconnected and more dissociated from your body and the realities of the world. A lot of people are drawn to these kinds of practices because they don’t want to be present in their bodies or face the challenges and truths of their lives and the realities of this world.

For years, I’ve been teaching meditation practices that help people work effectively with their emotional responses to the challenges they face. Whether it’s struggles in a relationship, the pain of a breakup or divorce, financial insecurity, the loss of a job, or the need to heal deeply rooted traumatic wounds, these practices provide a constructive way to engage with those difficulties. They not only help you process and navigate these challenges, but also allow you to gain creative insights and come up with workable solutions.

One example is to bring any person or situation that feels challenging to the forefront of your awareness. Notice any feelings or bodily sensations that arise as you focus on this person or situation. Then, breathe softly and deeply while fully immersing your awareness in the depths of those feelings and sensations. Follow them as they go through their progression, allowing yourself to stay present with whatever arises. Working with this practice engages the innate healing intelligence that resides within your own body and mind, helping you to gain clarity, develop resilience, and navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and understanding.

In my daily meditation practice, I bring as much presence and awareness as I can to any feelings or bodily sensations I’m experiencing—whether they’re vague or vivid. I fully immerse my awareness in these feelings and sensations, which helps me feel more connected and present in my body. Over time, this practice has allowed me to become more integrated with the various parts of myself, gaining valuable insights, inspiration, and deeper levels of self-awareness. I’m continually developing a greater awareness of the driving forces behind my words and actions, as well as of other people and my surroundings.

Over the years, I’ve developed many versions of this practice. Sometimes I’ll focus on my chest cavity—my heart and lungs—or move my attention to my abdomen, going into the depths of my intestines, or areas of tension in my neck, shoulders, and upper back. These parts of the body often hold stagnant emotions I haven’t been able to process. By bringing as much awareness as possible into these areas while breathing softly and deeply, I can access and process the emotions and release the tension held therein, and become more present in these parts of my body.

Dissolving the Layers of Tension

We all, to some degree, tense up or contract in situations where we feel intimidated—whether by another individual, a group of people, or certain circumstances. When I notice this happening, I make a concerted effort to catch myself. Through intention, I bring more of my presence into my body, focusing especially on the areas that are tensing up. I'll also extend my presence, allowing it to fill the space around me, while breathing softly and deeply into whatever arises—be it anxiety, feelings of intimidation, awkwardness, nervousness, or any other discomfort.

If the discomfort persists, I'll continue to follow the feelings and sensations as they go through their progression. In many instances, I can feel myself gradually softening, letting go—a sense of deepening into my body, opening more fully to my interactions with others, and into my surroundings. As I do, I become more present in the moment, occupying not only more of my body but also the space around me, creating a deeper sense of connection and ease.

Intentional Breathing

Most of us are not particularly conscious of our breathing and tend to breathe high up in our chest. This creates several problems: your body isn’t getting adequate oxygen, you can’t engage in the deep-level processing of your emotional responses to life’s events, and you’re not fully inhabiting your body. For this reason, it’s important to be mindful of how you’re breathing.

Check in periodically throughout the day, especially during any moments you find yourself feeling stressed, intimidated, or overwhelmed by your circumstances. First, simply notice how you’re breathing. Are your breaths shallow and confined to your chest? If so, start by deepening your breathing. Breathe all the way down into your abdomen, allowing your ribcage to expand. Inhale as slowly and deeply as you can, and then exhale just as slowly, releasing as much air as possible from your lungs (recognizing that a small residual amount will remain).

This simple, mindful act of breathing deeply and fully will increase your presence. It helps to ground you, bring you back into your body, and creates the foundation for engaging more consciously and effectively with whatever life throws your way.

Being Present to What's Going On In Our World

In today’s world, it’s so easy to tune out. People disengage because being fully aware—truly understanding what’s happening—can feel overwhelming, even painful. For many, this avoidance leads to a state of low awareness. I often notice it with “low-information voters” or undecided voters who haven’t really been paying attention to the issues. Even worse, it can mean being a “useful idiot,” buying into deceptive messaging and voting against their own best interests. For example, some Latino voters support Trump, whose policies could lead to the deportation of their own friends or family members who are undocumented. Others vote for Trump and other Republicans who are actively working to cut Social Security and Medicare—programs they’ve been contributing to their entire working lives—while handing out tax breaks to corporations and billionaires. They also seek to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, leaving millions without access to health care.

Tuning out entirely isn’t an option if we want to be present and engaged with the world around us. Being a socially responsible human being means finding a balance: staying informed without burning out, being aware while also managing how much we take in.

This is where discernment comes in. To show up more fully present, we must cultivate the discipline to distinguish between making ourselves aware and harming ourselves with too much information. It’s about choosing your battles and focusing on the issues that matter most to you. Perhaps you’re passionate about the environment, reproductive rights, or another critical cause. Lean into those passions and find your community—working together not only amplifies your impact but also ensures you don’t feel isolated in your efforts.

Awareness can feel heavy, especially for those of us who are deeply empathetic. There’s a grief that comes with truly witnessing the suffering and injustices others are facing or that you have experienced firsthand. This grieving is not a sign of weakness, but an essential part of being human. It’s your soul signaling that something isn’t right. Rather than shutting it out, welcome that grief. Let it guide you to ask, “What is my response to what I’m seeing? How can I transform this sadness and frustration into something meaningful?”

Grief and sadness, while painful, are powerful tools for transformation. They can remind us of what matters most and help us reconnect with our “why.” Why am I here? What can I do to make things better? How can I reaffirm my values and find purpose in my actions? In the midst of pain, seek the beautiful. Let your awareness and empathy inspire you to stay in the fight, to create change, and to remain human in times that can feel so inhumane.

By staying present, managing your emotional responses, and focusing on what you can contribute, you cultivate a deeper connection with yourself, your communities, and the world. It’s not just about knowing—it’s about transforming that knowledge into action and hope.

Letting Down Our Barriers to Intimacy

After grieving the loss of a broken engagement in my mid-thirties, I realized I truly wanted to be in a serious, long-term relationship. With that in mind, I began engaging with women I encountered in conversation wherever I went. Before long, I noticed that I related to most of the women I was meeting as friends, but I still enjoyed the conversations and the sense of connection. Women in New York City tended to be much more guarded and were often taken aback at first when I initiated conversations. However, I frequently managed to get them to open up, and it was clear they were enjoying the interaction. Any time I sensed otherwise, I would simply excuse myself and move on.

Whenever I sensed mutual enjoyment, I would say in parting, “What steps can we take to continue this conversation?” We often exchanged contact information, yet, in many instances, I never saw or heard from them again. At times, we might exchange a few texts before the communication stopped. Even if they were initially open, curious, and enjoying the connection, they often couldn’t sustain that openness.

Despite my extraordinary efforts, I never found the connection I longed for in New York City. Instead, I formed connections with women I met while spending time in Ohio, Argentina, Japan, the UK, India, and Sri Lanka, often commuting great distances to maintain these long-distance relationships. Along the way, I also developed many platonic friendships with women I connected with in these other parts of the world.

For over a decade, I offered classes on Monday evenings in Manhattan and on alternate Tuesdays in Boston, helping people heal their heartache, let go, and move on. Some of the women who attended my classes, worked with me individually, or whom I knew as friends would at times complain about not having anyone in their lives or not meeting the kind of person they were interested in. I often responded by asking, “Do you not see the part you're playing in creating this reality?”

Some shared incidents of men making catcalls, being sexually inappropriate, or witnessing incidents like a man exposing himself on the subway. I felt terrible hearing their accounts, and while I agreed that exercising caution was necessary, I would remind them that it’s a small percentage of men who behave so badly. I emphasized that the majority of men deeply desire someone in their lives to love and be loved by.

I encouraged these women to stay open to possibility and to tune into their intuition during encounters. I advised them to make eye contact, smile, and engage in conversation. If they felt uncomfortable, I told them to excuse themselves. If they felt good about the interaction, I urged them to continue the conversation. If they still had a good feeling, I recommended exchanging contact information before parting. I encouraged them to respond to the other person’s text or call—or even reach out themselves to let the other person know they enjoyed the conversation. I also suggested meeting again in a safe, neutral place.

A number of the women who followed my recommendations partnered up—one even married the guy—all crediting me for the fact that they were now in a relationship. Then I think of the millions of others who miss out on meaningful connections, only to end up alone—like so many New Yorkers as they grow older—or settling for someone they’re not all that happy with. That’s why I often encourage people to keep themselves open to possibility.

The situation in New York City has improved for many now that we have dating apps like Hinge and even Tinder—at least people are connecting to some extent. And yet, those connections often remain fleeting and superficial. It’s common for someone to be seeing multiple partners, or for you to feel like you’re connecting with someone only to have them ghost you.

Cultivating the Resilience Necessary to Bounce Back

All of us, at some point in life, experience setbacks and painful—if not absolutely devastating—losses. Maybe it’s not getting accepted into the university you had your heart set on or struggling to succeed in your academic pursuits. In today’s uncertain world, many face the harsh reality of job insecurity, losing their positions and having to repeatedly change jobs or even careers just to survive.

Heartbreak is something we all endure—often multiple times—whether through a breakup, divorce, being ghosted, or enduring a succession of partners who have abused or abandoned us. Estrangement within families is also common, as is the loss of people we once thought of as friends—sometimes due to misunderstandings, other times because they drift away, or in some cases, weird out on us for reasons we can’t fully understand. And, of course, there’s the inevitable grief that comes when people we care about pass away.

These losses can be incredibly painful, and because most people don’t know how to work effectively with their own emotional responses, they end up not digesting their lived experiences or emotions. Consequently, they contract around these painful losses and the emotions held within their bodies.

This is why I teach people to bring whatever person, situation, or challenge they’re facing to the forefront of their awareness, to notice how they’re feeling in response to it and where these feelings are situated within their bodies. Then, I guide them to breathe softly and deeply while fully immersing their awareness in the depths of these feelings and bodily sensations, following them as they go through their progression.

Digesting your lived experiences and emotional responses facilitates the healing of the deep emotional wounds, helps you come to terms with the realities of your life, and allows you to let go when necessary. It also enables you to tap into a greater source of strength, helping you develop the resilience needed to show up more fully present.

There are limits to the healing we can facilitate on our own. As I’ve said numerous times, we all need to be making use of the most effective therapeutic interventions. Deep tissue bodywork, the sessions I’ve done with gifted healers, and the many vision quests—a traditional Native American healing practice that involves fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights with no food or water—have all enabled me not only to heal my own deep emotional wounds but also to become ever more present, gain access to greater resources, and develop the capacity to be more effective.

Clear Mind – Strong Body

Another aspect of being present that we need to consider is how we self-medicate—something all of us do to some degree, whether it’s eating too much when we feel nervous, lighting up a cigarette, binging on chocolate or ice cream, or drinking way too much coffee. Often, we consume items that not only harm our bodies but also dull our awareness. Refined sugar and other processed foods, for instance, lack real nutritional value and can even deaden our consciousness. Additionally, many of us overeat as a way to avoid feeling or confronting the realities we’re not willing to face.

Psychotropic medications may be the best-known option for those who pose a danger to themselves or others, they can also have especially harmful consequences. Depression can, in some cases, result from an inflammatory response in the brain and may be addressed with supplements and dietary changes that reduce inflammation and support healthy brain function. However, many rely on antidepressants and other meds because they don’t possess the resources or understanding that would enable them to work effectively to process their lived experiences and emotional responses.

Many people numbing themselves and disengaging from the realities of daily life and their emotions through alcohol, weed, and other recreational drugs. It’s important for us to minimize our reliance on these substances, as well as on certain foods and medications that diminish our mental and emotional lucidity and harm our bodies. Caring for our bodies and our cognitive and emotional well-being enables us to cultivate greater awareness and become more fully present.

Where Am I Shrinking?

We all have a tendency to contract around the stress and distressing emotions we're holding in our bodies. This contraction prevents us from being as present or engaging as we could be and, over time, causes us to lose our range of motion—physically, cognitively, and emotionally. We shrink into an ever-smaller box, a pattern that becomes even more apparent as we age.

Many of us are way too busy—caught up in the grind or spending far too much time scrolling through our social media. And for some, like so many New Yorkers, we’re surrounded by amazing people, yet stuck in a guarded mindset—lacking the openness, curiosity, and willingness to engage and explore. Maybe there are things we’re interested in, things we say we want to do, but we hesitate to take a chance. We hold back, letting fear or distraction keep us from stepping into experiences that could truly enrich our lives.

Our capacity to show up fully present is strongly influenced by our family of origin, cultural background, and the culture we're living in. It can be incredibly helpful to step outside of what is familiar—especially if we live in an environment where people are less open and engaging. Spending time with individuals, groups, and within cultures that are more relationally open and engaging can broaden our perspective and help us develop deeper connections.

Many of us are resistant to showing up more fully present, because presence often requires vulnerability—allowing others to see us authentically, imperfections and all. We sometimes avoid presence because vulnerability can feel risky, but it is essential for creating deep, meaningful connections.

The fear of rejection also causes many of us to hold back in personal relationships and prevents us from reaching out and embracing new opportunities. Rejection can be extraordinarily painful, evoking feelings of sadness, disappointment, or hurt. Yet, it’s essential for us to be reaching out, connecting with others, and asserting our needs and desires. When things don’t go our way or the other person doesn’t reciprocate, breathing into those feelings can help us find a source of inner strength and develop greater humility, compassion, empathy, and resilience. It also enables us to move forward and stay open to individuals who are more receptive, as well as to the new doorways and possibilities that await us.

Showing up can be challenging for those of us who struggle with feelings of inadequacy. In some instances, the very act of showing up may bring these feelings to the surface. However, by breathing into these emotions as they arise, we can begin to heal our underlying sense of inadequacy and undeservingness. Over time, this practice helps us cultivate self-acceptance and appreciation, allowing us to feel more worthy and deserving.

Many of us tend to avoid conflict, but doing so only reinforces our state of disconnection. As we shrink, our range of motion diminishes. Conflict avoidance also perpetuates misunderstanding. Making a consistent effort to stay present, even during uncomfortable or contentious moments, allows us to address important issues, resolve conflicts, build inner strength, and expand our presence.

How Can I Be Showing Up More Fully Present?

Showing up more fully present isn’t a one-time event or a passing phase but an ongoing, lifelong process. Our presence evolves as we navigate various situations, interactions, and the challenges we face along the way.

There are so many opportunities to practice being more fully present in our everyday lives. We can start with small, simple moments—greeting a neighbor, exchanging a few words with the cashier while making a purchase, or taking the time to truly listen to a friend or coworker. Even these small acts of presence can make a difference.

While texting, social media, and other aspects of technology can often feel isolating, we can intentionally use these tools to establish and deepen connections. For instance, rather than relying solely on texting, we can take the extra step to make a phone call or initiate a video call. These more personal forms of communication bring added degrees of presence, allowing us to connect more authentically and deepen our relationships. Even better, we can take it a step further by saying, “Let’s get together” or “Let’s meet in person,” turning those digital connections into meaningful, real-world interactions.

Being more present not only helps us manage our emotions more effectively, reducing stress, but it also offers significant physical health benefits. It can lower blood pressure, strengthen immunity, and even contribute to greater longevity.

For those of us who are committed to healing and growth, it's essential to be mindful of the ways we fail to show up in our lives. We need to make a concerted effort to become more fully present. It can be incredibly helpful to ask ourselves, “Where am I shrinking, hiding, failing to do my part, or not showing up as I could?” This self-awareness creates the opportunity for us to step out of our comfort zones, expand our presence, and engage with life in a more authentic and fulfilling way.

By showing up more fully present, we not only transform ourselves and our relationships but also everyone we interact with. Our presence inspires others to be more authentic and live more fully, contributing to the creation of a better world.

©Copyright 2025 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.

When you’re ready, I have 3 ways I can help you to heal your heartache and attract more love into your life and cocreate more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.
1. Click here to grab your free copy of my eBook – The Essentials Of Getting Over Your Breakup And Moving On
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3. Work with me individually: Are you experiencing chronic health issues that no one has been able to help you with? Are you dealing with persistent emotions that are taking you out of the game of life? Are you in the midst of a breakup, struggling with patterns of abandonment or unrequited love, or facing challenges in your current relationship? Ready to break through existing limitations and unearth the inner resources you need to overcome challenges and realize your true potential? If any of these resonate with you and you're seeking personalized guidance and support, and would like to work directly with me, email me at ben@benoofana.com. For a faster response, call me at (332) 333-5155.