Many of us have found ourselves entangled in a painful, yet all-too-common dynamic in relationships—one where someone pulls us in, only to push us away and eventually discard us. This emotional push-pull cycle can leave us reeling, especially if we're already carrying the wounds of abandonment or rejection. The intensity of these relationships often trigger our deeply entrenched fears of being unloved, creating a storm of confusion, anxiety, and emotional turmoil that’s hard to escape.
At the heart of this dynamic is a psychological concept known as intermittent reinforcement—where affection, attention, and connection are given unpredictably. Much like a gambler hoping for a win, we’re kept emotionally hooked by the brief moments of closeness, craving the love and validation we desperately seek. But just as quickly as they come close, they pull away, leaving us in a painful void. This inconsistency makes us work even harder for those fleeting moments of intimacy, convincing ourselves that if we just try a little more, things will stabilize.
For those of us with a history of abandonment or rejection, this behavior strikes directly at our attachment wounds. Their sudden withdrawal taps into our deepest fears of being unwanted or unworthy. We might find ourselves going above and beyond to win their affection, constantly on edge, hoping for the next wave of connection. But when it doesn’t come, we’re left devastated. This emotional rollercoaster can make us question our worth, leaving us feeling unworthy, ashamed, and constantly wondering what we did wrong.
The person creating this cycle may not even be fully conscious of what they’re doing. Often, it stems from their own emotional instability or fear of intimacy. They crave closeness but feel overwhelmed when things get too intense. To protect themselves, they pull away, leaving us desperate for answers. Their fear of vulnerability shuts them down emotionally, and in turn, leaves us stranded in the emotional wreckage of their withdrawal.
One of the most damaging aspects of this cycle is when it ends with ghosting or outright abandonment. After weeks or months of emotional push-and-pull, they might disappear completely, offering no closure. This abrupt cut-off feels like emotional annihilation. The connection we once cherished is replaced by a deep void, and we’re left with unresolved questions, endless heartache, and the sting of rejection. The highs we once felt are followed by agonizing lows, creating an addictive cycle that’s almost impossible to break.
The real danger of these relationships is that for many they become an incredibly destructive addiction. The emotional highs of closeness are so potent that we begin to crave them like a drug, even though the lows are unbearable. The longer we remain caught in this cycle, the harder it becomes to break free. We become emotionally strung out, desperate for validation, often at the expense of our own well-being. Being discarded without explanation leaves deep scars, making it difficult to move on, open up or trust again.
The Allure and Agony of Emotional Instability
The attachments we form to those who are emotionally unstable and inconsistent can be incredibly captivating and intoxicating, pulling us into a whirlwind of desire and uncertainty. Their magnetic presence draws us in, but just as quickly, we're pushed away, feeling the sting of distance and even anger directed at us. These relationships are a mix of exhilaration and devastation—feeling alive and connected one moment, only to be left reeling when they pull back. It’s like being caught in a storm—powerful, thrilling, but ultimately destructive. We feel disoriented, desperate for stability, as moments of closeness are followed by painful withdrawal, leaving us constantly navigating emotional highs and lows, feeling out of control.
In the Path of Destruction: The Push-Pull Relationship Cycle
In Neil Young’s “Like a Hurricane,” the metaphor of being swept up in a powerful, uncontrollable storm perfectly captures the experience of being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unstable. Like the intensity of a hurricane, these relationships are thrilling and magnetic, pulling us into moments of deep connection and exhilaration. But just as quickly, they become destructive, leaving us reeling as the emotional winds shift, and we are pushed away. This emotional push-pull cycle mirrors the storm’s unpredictability, leaving us disoriented, desperate for stability, and caught in an exhausting loop of closeness followed by withdrawal, which ultimately erodes our sense of control and emotional well-being.
Emotionally unstable people often draw us in with their charm, affection, or an intense connection that feels magnetic and deeply fulfilling. This phase is like the calm eye of a hurricane, where everything seems perfect and peaceful, giving us a false sense of security. In this moment, we feel seen, valued, and safe, believing that the relationship is finally stable. However, this calm is deceptive, as it masks the chaos that lies just beyond, waiting to return with the same destructive force, pulling us back into emotional turmoil as soon as the intensity fades. The fleeting sense of closeness makes the impending storm even more devastating, leaving us vulnerable to the next wave of instability.
As the calm phase fades, the push begins—like the winds picking up after the eye of the hurricane passes. Emotionally unstable individuals start to create distance, withdrawing emotionally or acting unpredictably. Their once intense affection turns cold or distant, leaving us feeling confused and rejected. This sudden shift triggers deep feelings of abandonment, anxiety, and insecurity, as we scramble to understand what went wrong or how to regain the closeness we once felt. The unpredictability heightens our fear of losing them entirely, and the emotional chaos pulls us into a cycle of self-doubt and desperation.
The push-pull cycle creates an emotional addiction, where the unpredictability keeps us hooked, much like an addict chasing their next fix. The emotional highs—those rare moments of calm and closeness—become intoxicating, even though the lows that follow are devastating. We start craving the brief periods of peace, just like the calm before the storm, hoping to feel secure and loved again. Each time we experience that fleeting connection, it feels like a reward, making the emotional turbulence that follows even harder to escape. The more we chase those highs, the more we become trapped in the cycle, unable to break free from the destructive pattern.
The long-term effects of being caught in the push-pull cycle are devastating, leaving us emotionally wrecked, much like a storm leaves destruction in its wake. Over time, the constant highs and lows erode our self-esteem, making us question our worth and feel unworthy of consistent love. The emotional exhaustion of constantly trying to regain the closeness we crave drains our energy, leaving us depleted and overwhelmed. As the storm passes, what’s left behind is an inability to trust, both in ourselves and in future relationships. The emotional wreckage lingers, making it difficult to rebuild, leaving us hesitant to open up and fearful of being hurt again.
Push-Pull Relational Dynamics Are Not Gender Specific
The push-pull dynamic is not specific to either gender—it can be enacted by both men and women. While certain behaviors may be influenced by societal norms or expectations, emotionally unstable or inconsistent behavior in relationships is usually tied to individual personality traits, attachment styles, and unresolved emotional wounds, rather than gender.
Whether male or female, people with insecure attachment styles—such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—are more likely to engage in the push-pull dynamic. This behavior often stems from early childhood trauma, fear of intimacy, or a deep fear of rejection.
Both men and women who struggle with emotional regulation or have unresolved emotional pain may exhibit unpredictable behavior in relationships, leading to the back-and-forth cycle of closeness and withdrawal.
Additionally, the push-pull cycle can be a way for people of any gender to maintain control in the relationship. By pulling someone in and then pushing them away, they establish a sense of control over the emotional dynamics of the relationship.
Cultural and societal factors might shape how this dynamic appears in different relationships. Men may be more likely to pull away due to cultural pressures to avoid vulnerability or emotional expression, while women may sometimes engage in push-pull behavior out of fear of losing control or feeling smothered in the relationship.
When it comes to being on the receiving end, men and women are equally vulnerable to getting caught in the emotional push-pull cycle. This dynamic doesn’t discriminate based on gender—anyone can fall into it if they have unresolved attachment issues, low self-esteem, or are drawn to the intensity of the highs and lows that these relationships create. The emotional rollercoaster often triggers deep fears of abandonment and rejection, affecting anyone, regardless of gender.
Fear, Love, and the Push-Pull Paradox
People who engage in the push-pull dynamic in relationships often carry unresolved emotional wounds, many of which stem from early childhood trauma or unhealthy dynamics with their parents or caregivers. These wounds shape attachment issues and emotional instability, which later manifest as the push-pull cycle in their adult relationships.
Children who grow up with inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving—where their emotional and physical needs are sometimes met but often neglected—are more likely to develop what’s called anxious-avoidant attachment. Their caregivers might provide love and attention one moment, only to become emotionally unavailable the next. As a result, these children learn that relationships are unreliable, and this instability creates deep insecurity and fear of abandonment.
As adults, they carry this pattern into their relationships. They have a strong desire for connection, pulling us in with their charm and affection, but then withdrawing and pushing us away when emotional intimacy feels overwhelming. This behavior becomes a way of managing their own fears—fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability. Their need for closeness is often overshadowed by the terror that we’ll eventually hurt or abandon them, which leads to the erratic push-pull cycle.
For many, this dynamic becomes a defense mechanism developed after experiencing early trauma. If they were hurt, neglected, or emotionally abandoned by their caregivers, they may grow up associating intimacy with danger. While they crave love and connection, they fear getting too close because it opens them up to potential emotional harm. The “push” serves to protect them from getting hurt, while the “pull” happens when the fear of being alone becomes stronger than their fear of intimacy.
For example, someone who experienced betrayal or neglect in childhood may grow up wanting love but feel paralyzed by the fear of losing control or being exposed. As soon as the relationship gets intense or we express our vulnerability, it triggers their retreat, and they push us away.
People who have been through emotionally abusive or toxic relationships may develop this push-pull behavior as a survival strategy. They’ve been manipulated or controlled by past partners, and subconsciously, they replicate the same cycle of drawing close and pulling away. The fear of repeating past trauma or abuse leads them to oscillate between wanting connection and needing emotional distance.
If someone was in a relationship where their partner used emotional closeness as a form of manipulation or control, they might fear losing their independence or sense of power in future relationships. The push-pull cycle becomes a way to maintain control and avoid feeling trapped or vulnerable.
At the core of this behavior is often a deeply ingrained fear of rejection and low self-worth. Many of these individuals don’t believe they are worthy of love, so they sabotage their relationships. They pull others in, seeking validation and affection, but as soon as they feel the relationship getting serious, they push us away. They fear that once we see their perceived “unworthiness,” we’ll reject or abandon them, so they create distance to avoid that pain.
This fear is often connected to a fear of being fully seen. When someone struggles with a negative self-image, they may believe that if we get too close, we’ll discover their flaws or vulnerabilities and find them unlovable. So, they withdraw before we have a chance to reject them, even if we have no intention of leaving.
Children who experience emotional neglect, abandonment, or even overprotective parenting may develop what’s called a disorganized attachment style, which often lies at the root of the push-pull dynamic. When caregivers are unreliable or emotionally unavailable, these children grow up learning not to trust others fully. Trauma from abuse or witnessing dysfunctional relationships may also lead them to fear both intimacy and abandonment.
For instance, a child who was abandoned or left feeling emotionally neglected might grow up hypervigilant about being hurt in relationships. They push others away to avoid the same pain they experienced in childhood, but the loneliness of distancing themselves feels equally unbearable, so they pull us back in. This cycle becomes a never-ending storm—one that causes immense pain to both them and the people who love them.
The Defining Traits of Push-Pull Partners
Those who engage in the push-pull dynamic often display certain recurring qualities that contribute to the emotional chaos they create. These people may be emotionally unavailable, struggling to fully engage in intimacy and pulling away when relationships become too intense. Some may be commitment-phobes, fearing long-term emotional bonds, while others exhibit a hot and cold personality, alternating between affection and detachment, leaving their partners confused and destabilized.
Certain individuals may have narcissistic tendencies, using push-pull behavior as a way to manipulate or maintain control. They may shower their partner with love and attention (often referred to as “love bombing”), only to withdraw or devalue them, causing emotional turmoil. In attachment theory, fearful-avoidant individuals often enact the push-pull dynamic, craving closeness but withdrawing when relationships become too intense, driven by fears of vulnerability and rejection.
People who engage in this behavior are often described as rollercoaster partners, creating emotional highs and lows that keep their partners hooked. In some cases, they may also be viewed as toxic partners, whose unpredictable actions cause lasting emotional harm. While the reasons behind their behavior can vary, unresolved emotional issues, attachment trauma, and a deep fear of intimacy or vulnerability are often at the root of the push-pull dynamic.
The Devastating Consequences of Falling In Love With a Push-Pull Crazy Maker
Falling in love with a push-pull partner leads to profound emotional devastation, as the unpredictability of the relationship causes immense turmoil. The emotional rollercoaster begins with moments of intense closeness and affection, making us feel valued and connected. However, this connection is shattered when the push-pull partner suddenly withdraws, triggering a cycle of hope followed by rejection. This constant oscillation creates a powerful emotional dependency, where we become addicted to the fleeting highs of connection, even as we brace for the inevitable emotional withdrawal.
Over time, the push-pull dynamic erodes our self-esteem. We start to believe we’re not enough, internalizing the idea that our worth is tied to our partner’s unpredictable affection. We blame ourselves for the other’s withdrawal and begin to feel unworthy, making it harder to assert our needs or set boundaries in the relationship. This leads to deep insecurity and constant anxiety, as we try to please our partner while feeling increasingly inadequate.
The mental and emotional exhaustion caused by this dynamic is overwhelming. We become hyper-focused on the relationship, analyzing every interaction to understand why our partner pulls away, leaving little room for our own needs or well-being. This emotional hypervigilance often results in anxiety, depression, and a sense of walking on eggshells, as we fear doing something that will push our partner further away.
The emotional stress also takes a toll on our physical health. Chronic stress from the push-pull cycle can lead to insomnia, digestive issues, fatigue, and lowered immunity. The constant strain can manifest as tension headaches and muscle pain, leaving us physically and emotionally depleted. As the relationship consumes more of our energy, we may feel incapacitated, unable to focus on work or engage in activities we once enjoyed.
As we become more emotionally dependent, we may isolate ourselves from friends and family, feeling too drained to connect with others or embarrassed by the unhealthy nature of the relationship. This isolation deepens our emotional reliance on the push-pull partner, as we feel increasingly disconnected from our support systems. Over time, we lose sight of our identity outside the relationship, tying our sense of self-worth to maintaining the partner’s fleeting affection.
Ultimately, this dynamic causes long-term damage to our self-esteem, mental health, and identity. We are left emotionally and physically depleted, trapped in a cycle of emotional torture, where fleeting moments of connection are followed by painful rejection. Breaking free from this destructive pattern often requires time, specific practices and therapeutic interventions, and a deep commitment to rebuilding our self-worth and reclaiming our emotional and physical health.
What Makes These People So Incredibly Addictive?
Those who ensnare others in push-pull dynamics are often so addictive because of the psychological concept of intermittent reinforcement. This occurs when affection, attention, and love are given unpredictably, much like the mechanics of gambling. The unpredictability of these emotional “rewards” makes them far more compelling, keeping us constantly on edge and craving more, even when the relationship is harmful.
The power of this unpredictability is that we never know when the next moment of closeness will come, creating heightened emotional responses. These sporadic bursts of affection intensify our craving for connection, making each positive interaction feel more significant. Over time, we become emotionally dependent on the few high moments to offset the painful withdrawal periods, which mirrors the highs and lows of addiction.
Intermittent rewards trigger a strong release of dopamine, the brain’s “feel-good” chemical, as well as oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Each burst of affection becomes an emotional reward, reinforcing the sense of connection and making the relationship feel like an emotional lifeline. These neurochemical surges intensify our desire for closeness, making the highs more addictive. Even though the lows are devastating, we become trapped in a cycle of emotional craving and withdrawal, chasing those fleeting moments of pleasure and connection.
This dynamic often creates the illusion of progress. We believe that if we try a little harder or hold on a bit longer, the relationship will stabilize. This illusion keeps us hooked, even when it’s clear that the pattern is toxic. The emotional rollercoaster is so disorienting that we end up chasing fleeting moments of validation, reinforcing our low self-worth in the process.
As we become more emotionally invested, we may fall into the sunk cost fallacy, believing we can’t leave the relationship because of the time and energy already invested. The intermittent rewards fuel this belief, keeping us trapped in a toxic cycle for much longer than we would otherwise endure.
Breaking free from this addiction requires recognizing the dynamic for what it truly is—an emotional trap fueled by inconsistent affection. Understanding that these moments of closeness are not signs of genuine love, but part of a destructive pattern, is the first step in reclaiming emotional health and self-worth.
The Downward Spiral of Emotional Torment
Falling in love with a push-pull individual leads to a downward spiral of emotional torment that consumes every aspect of life. The unpredictable cycle of affection and rejection wreaks havoc on our psyche, deeply damaging self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being. Initially, we’re drawn in by moments of closeness and intimacy, feeling valued and connected. But when the push-pull partner inevitably withdraws, the emotional devastation is profound. This cycle of highs and lows becomes more extreme, creating a state of emotional chaos where we're consumed by anxiety and desperate for validation.
One of the most agonizing aspects of getting entangled in a push-pull dynamic is the uncertainty it creates. It leaves us constantly on edge, never knowing when the next rejection will come. This unpredictability elicits feelings of helplessness and emotional paralysis. As the dynamic progresses, our self-esteem deteriorates. We internalize the belief that we are unworthy of love, blaming ourselves for our partner’s withdrawal and rejection. This leads to constant self-doubt, shame, and guilt for not being able to “fix” the relationship.
As the emotional rollercoaster intensifies, we become emotionally strung out, much like an addict. The pain of rejection, combined with fleeting moments of affection, creates a toxic dependency. For some of us, this emotional torment can create an overwhelming sense of helplessness and isolation. The constant stress and anxiety push us toward emotional breakdown, manifesting in depression, withdrawal from loved ones, and obsessive thinking about the relationship. The relentless need for validation leaves little room for self-care or personal growth.
The emotional toll also takes a physical form. Chronic stress from the push-pull dynamic activates our body’s fight-or-flight response, leading to insomnia, digestive problems, fatigue, and immune system suppression. As our identity becomes entangled in the relationship, we lose sight of ourselves, our passions, and our sense of purpose. This disconnection from life can lead to feelings of numbness, alienation, and emotional isolation, where we feel as though we’re merely surviving rather than living.
Ultimately, the push-pull relationship leads to deep emotional devastation. The addiction to intermittent affection and the unpredictability of rejection erode our self-esteem, damage our mental and physical health, and can even lead to suicidal thoughts. Breaking free from this toxic cycle requires time, therapy, and a commitment to reclaiming our emotional well-being and self-worth.
Soulmate Illusions and the Savior Complex
When we form a romantic attachment to someone who enacts a push-pull dynamic, we often fall into two intertwined traps. First, we become emotionally hooked and believe, “This is the one, my soulmate,” even though their behavior is unpredictable and damaging. At the same time, we see their instability and think we can rescue them, convincing ourselves that our love will heal their emotional wounds and make everything right. Both beliefs feed into each other, pulling us deeper into a destructive cycle where we become obsessed with “saving” the relationship, despite the harm it’s causing us.
Breaking the Cycle: Letting Go of Unhealthy Attachments
Healing from a push-pull relationship is possible, though it begins with recognizing the toxic cycle for what it is—a destructive pattern that erodes our emotional well-being. No amount of effort on our part will change the other person’s behavior, and breaking free requires reclaiming our emotional agency. Setting firm boundaries and prioritizing our own well-being over the fleeting highs of the relationship is essential. Though it may feel impossible at first, distancing ourselves from the chaos is the only way to recover our sense of self and find healthier, more fulfilling connections.
The journey to healing involves focusing on self-care, rediscovering our self-worth, and learning to trust ourselves again. As we let go of the need for validation from the push-pull dynamic, we create space for emotional stability and supportive relationships. While surviving the emotional storm leaves us feeling shattered, it also presents an opportunity to rebuild, creating a much stronger foundation. Though the process takes time, we can emerge from the wreckage not only whole but stronger, ready to embrace a life rooted in stability, resilience, and self-worth.
Even though I spent a few years in psychotherapy during my mid to late twenties, my therapist at the time had a very limited understanding of these push-pull dynamics, and there wasn’t much reading material available on the subject. It was up to me to find my own way. Over the years, I discovered some of the most effective means to heal and transform these highly destructive relational patterns.
It's critically important for us to educate ourselves by learning as much as we can about our own emotional wounding and that of the individuals we become involved with, along with the patterns we're enacting in our relationships. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fantasy of who we think this person is, assuming there’s some special connection, that we’re meant to be together—possibly even soul mates. But we need to acknowledge the reality for what it is, including the distancing and other crazy-making aspects of the person we've formed an attachment to and our relationship with them.
Over the years, I developed a whole series of intensive meditation practices. I found it especially helpful to bring the person I had become so attached to to the forefront of my awareness. I would picture her, feel her presence, and breathe into any feelings or bodily sensations that arose. By doing this, I could follow these feelings and sensations as they went through their progression. Many of us store a great deal of sadness, grief, hurt, and other painful emotions in the chest cavity. Breathing with my awareness centered in the middle of my chest, where my heart and lungs reside, helped me access and digest these emotions and lived experiences. Focusing on the sensations deep within my abdomen grounded me more firmly in my body. I practiced for at least an hour a day and found it even more powerful when I extended my practice to two or three hours.
Deep tissue bodywork and the sessions I did with gifted healers have also been incredibly helpful. I spent years training with a traditional Native American doctor (medicine man) from the Kiowa Indian Tribe, and a significant part of our training involved fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. During these vision quests, I could feel an extraordinarily powerful presence working within my body, helping me ‘digest' the push-pull relational drama I had been caught up in, transforming my suffering in a way that allowed me to let go of unhealthy attachments. As a result, I began attracting healthier companions and found myself in more stable and nurturing relationships.
Those who work with me individually experience a healing similar to what I experienced during the vision quests. These sessions facilitate healing and transform the devastation caused by these push-pull dynamics, enabling them to let go of unhealthy attachments while increasing their capacity to love and be loved. In fact, many who have worked with me over the years have, as a result of the healing that took place, attracted companions with whom they could establish more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.
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