In the midst of a devastating breakup—when someone ghosts us, pulls away, or triggers our deepest attachment wounds—many of us get hit with a tidal wave of pain we don’t know how to handle. And our first impulse is often to escape it. We reach for whatever numbs us: food, alcohol, weed, other drugs, casual sex, binge-watching, or the endless scroll of social media. But numbing is a trap. The more we self-medicate, the deeper that pain embeds itself—unresolved, festering beneath the surface, where it quietly sabotages our ability to heal and move forward.
There’s a powerful deception at work here. Substances like alcohol, pot, cocaine, and other recreational drugs trigger a rush of dopamine and endorphins, creating a temporary sense of well-being. But it’s nothing more than a biochemical trick—the brain is being soothed without actually addressing the underlying pain. Over time, the reliance on these external fixes becomes habitual—not just physically, but emotionally.
Cocaine in particular floods the brain with dopamine and other neurotransmitters by blocking their reuptake, producing an intense but short-lived euphoria. Then comes the crash—a sharp drop that leaves you more anxious, more depleted, more emotionally raw. That crash only intensifies the cravings and deepens the dependence. The same is true, to a lesser degree, with alcohol and weed. The high fades, the pain returns—and often hits harder.
This cycle gradually dysregulates the brain’s reward system, making it harder to feel pleasure naturally and leaving us emotionally numb or stuck in low-grade despair. The truth is, when we numb our pain, we’re also diminishing our capacity to heal. And the longer we avoid facing the realities of our lives—and working directly with the emotions attached to them—the more the suffering compounds beneath the surface.
A Cycle of Destruction and Avoidance
Jake is someone I’ve worked with for a while. He drank heavily at times, using alcohol to cope with the pain of several destructive relationships he’d cycled through. One in particular stands out—a relationship with a woman named Amanda.
Jake showed up at one of my classes with his then-girlfriend, Amanda. I later learned she was married—a fact Jake only discovered after they’d already been seeing each other for some time. Their relationship became a toxic cycle of lies, betrayal, and volatility. Amanda’s dishonesty only deepened Jake’s insecurity and emotional turmoil.
At one point, Jake was angry with me—as though he expected I could somehow fix his then-girlfriend and salvage the relationship. But the truth is, his relationship with Amanda was a mirror, reflecting back the deeper emotional wounding he hadn’t yet faced. His heavy drinking wasn’t just about numbing out; it was his way of avoiding the pain, of sidestepping the truth of the unresolved trauma he was carrying.
Drowning all those painful emotions in alcohol only compounded things—adding to his confusion, making it harder for him to process his emotional responses to the chaos playing out in his relationships. And it kept him from doing the work he needed to truly heal, to integrate the lessons, to let go—and move on to something better. Because Jake’s emotional wounds remain unresolved, they’ve continued to play out in the toxic relationships that followed.
The Illusion of Relief: Why Self-Medicating Feels Comforting (But Isn’t)
Self-medicating with alcohol, weed, or other recreational drugs can provide a momentary sense of relief—from the loneliness, rejection, and devastation that often follow a painful breakup. These substances create a temporary buffer, giving us just enough distance from the emotional intensity we don’t feel equipped to face. But any fleeting sense of comfort—or apparent easing of the pain—comes at a cost.
Grief, sadness, hurt, and all the other raw emotions we haven’t processed never just disappear. They linger beneath the surface, accumulating over time. Every time we numb ourselves instead of feeling what’s actually there, we’re disengaging the body and mind’s innate healing intelligence—the part of us that helps us to digest our lived experiences and the emotions they carry. When that process is impaired, those unprocessed emotions remain trapped in our bodies, creating a kind of emotional residue that diminishes our capacity to connect, trust, and experience healthy love.
Over time, these undigested emotions accumulate as a heavy, stagnant presence—some of it forming into emotional body armor, or layers of chronic tension that settle in our neck, shoulders, and other parts of the body. Not only does this weigh us down, it also erodes our capacity for joy, intimacy, and real connection. And when we use alcohol and other recreational drugs to escape what we’re feeling, what was once unprocessed grief or sadness goes through a further stage of putrefaction—becoming toxic to our system, and far more difficult to work through later.
What’s more, the more we rely on numbing and escaping as a coping mechanism, the less we develop the inner faculties we actually need—not only to digest our lived experiences and the emotions attached to them, but to heal and navigate the realities of daily life. By avoiding our authentic emotional responses, we lose the opportunity to build the resilience, presence, and emotional strength required to fully process and transform our suffering. And without that growth, we remain stuck in a kind of holding pattern—our bodies burdened by undigested emotion, our relationships reflecting our inner state as a painful series of reenactments, and our attempts at relief only reinforcing the very suffering we’re trying to outrun.
True Healing Requires Your Full Presence
Remaining present with your emotions rather than running from them requires courage. To truly heal from the devastation of painful loss, attachment wounds, or other deep emotional injuries, there’s no substitute for facing the pain directly. That means allowing yourself to fully feel—not just the grief, sadness, rage, and despair, but the entire spectrum of emotions as they arise.
The challenges you encounter—whether in relationships or other areas of your life—will inevitably stir a wide range of emotional responses. Allow those responses to surface. Breathe softly and deeply as you fully immerse your awareness in the depths of any feelings or bodily sensations that emerge. As you consistently work with this practice, you’re activating the innate healing intelligence residing within your body and mind—enabling yourself to digest both your lived experience and the emotions tied to it.
If you’ve struggled with substance use, support networks like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous can be a vital part of your healing process—providing structure, accountability, and a sense of community. It may also be necessary to distance yourself from individuals who encourage or normalize your use, as maintaining sobriety often requires creating an environment that truly supports your recovery.
Incorporate the therapeutic modalities that allow you to work more effectively with your experiences. For some, that might mean working with a therapist. Deep tissue bodywork can be especially helpful—it helps you reconnect with your body and often brings buried emotions and long-held stress to the surface, where they can be processed.
For me, the most transformative interventions have been the sessions I’ve done with gifted healers, along with the vision quest—a traditional Native American healing practice that involves fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. These interventions have helped me metabolize both my lived experiences and the emotions attached to them in a way that’s built greater resilience and expanded my capacity to navigate life and function at increasingly higher levels.
To the best of your ability, make a concerted effort—every day—to address the issues, concerns, and challenges that arise. Expect discomfort. That’s part of the process. And equally important: know when you’ve done what you can, and when it’s time to let go.
Having trained with a traditional Native American doctor and gone through so many vision quests, I serve as a conduit for an extraordinarily powerful healing presence—one that supports deep healing in both body and mind. Together, we’ll work to transform and digest the backlog of painful, stagnant emotional residue, build lasting resilience, and lay the strong inner foundation needed to meet life’s challenges head on. Call me at (332) 333-5155 to begin your healing journey.
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