In addition to reading the article, you’re also welcome to watch the video or listen to the audio version — whichever helps you absorb the material more fully.

Healing is not something that occurs on its own with the passage of time—it’s about our willingness to show up present, to embrace life and about the actions we take. And yet, the very things we need to face and actions we need to take in order to heal often feel intimidating.

Many of us have suffered deeply, often beginning in childhood. We may have experienced neglect, or verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse—or some painful combination of these. And many of our most basic human needs were never met.

And yet, as we grow into adolescence and adulthood, those same core needs—to love and to be loved—remain. What often happens is that we form attachments to others who are also wounded. These individuals inevitably reflect our own unresolved pain back to us, putting us in touch with parts of ourselves that are still hurting. Given all that, it’s no wonder so many of us are afraid to go there.

One of the most common fears I hear is, “If I allow myself to go there—to really feel the pain, to be open and vulnerable—I’ll never come out of it.” But in reality, the opposite is true.

When we avoid the issues that need to be addressed—and fail to do the deep-level processing of our emotions—we end up reenacting the same patterns over and over. We attract the same kinds of individuals, recreate the same painful relational dynamics, and often do far more damage to ourselves and others in the process. What we avoid doesn’t disappear—it just grows heavier, more complicated, and more painful.

This is exactly why it's so essential for us to learn how to work effectively with our authentic emotional responses—to “digest” not just the events we’ve lived through, but the emotions we’ve carried in response to them. When we do this inner work, we become stronger and more resilient. We begin to feel the certainty that we are, in fact, healing—that we’re growing, learning, and transforming in meaningful and lasting ways.

Why We Begin to Doubt That Healing Is Possible—or That Our Relationships Will Ever Work

When we fall in love with, or form attachments to, people who say and do things that harm us, it leaves us feeling deeply hurt. Our relationships may not be working all that well, and in many ways they begin to feel like a painful series of reenactments. Over time, we start to lose faith and hope. We doubt whether things will ever truly change for the better.

And many of us have tried everything we can think of—different strategies to help us cope, various approaches to healing—but still, our relationships continue to fall short. We’re still hurting. The doubts creep in, and we wonder if anything is ever going to work.

Having reenacted the painful patterns of my past, I know that feeling all too well. Yet I was determined to do whatever it took to heal—to have someone in my life I could love, and be loved by in return. I became relentless, working consistently with the practices and therapeutic interventions that facilitated my healing. Gradually, my relationships began to reflect the inner shifts taking place within me.

Still, there were instances when things weren't working out. And in those moments, I often found myself plunged back into that all-consuming emotional pain. As my doubts resurfaced. I couldn't help but wonder if I was making any progress at all or if I was only deluding myself. But I kept going. I continued to return to the deeper emotional processing and to work with the practices and therapeutic interventions I found to be most effective.

With much hard work and perseverance, I gradually moved through the pain—and with each cycle, the quality of my relationships improved. The doubts began to lessen. My confidence grew. I knew I was on a path of healing.

I had the tools and the resources—I just needed to keep applying them.

And you will too. When you commit to your own healing with relentless determination, you’ll begin to see the changes. As that happens, your doubts will soften. And in time, your relationships will begin to reflect the healing that’s taking place within you.

When Resistance Takes Hold

The feelings that arise in response to a breakup, divorce, or being ghosted can be excruciating. And there were times in my own life when I wanted so badly for a relationship to work that I would be holding on in my desperate attempts to make it happen, clinging to a woman, to the connection, to the hope. In many ways, I was resisting the overwhelming fears of loss… resisting the reality that my feelings weren’t reciprocated, and that I might never get to be with this person I so deeply wanted.

Most of us have spent our lives avoiding the difficult truths of our lived experiences, avoiding the issues and emotions that have caused us pain. But as we take the steps to heal, all of that pain, all of those unresolved emotions, will inevitably begin making their way to the surface. And when they do, resistance shows up.

Resistance is a natural part of the healing process, and it takes many forms. Sometimes it involves numbing ourselves, disconnecting from our feelings, or constantly distracting ourselves. Many of us do that with food, alcohol, and other recreational drugs, overworking, endless scrolling, and constantly seeking new partners without processing our old wounds. Other times it is a resistance to sitting still and being present with ourselves. There is resistance to acknowledging what’s really happening in our lives, to facing the unpleasant truths we would rather avoid.

And yet, this is where real healing begins.

Fuel for Growth

For many of us, the healing journey begins with recognizing our woundedness, realizing that something within us needs attention, that there are problems we can no longer avoid, and pain that has grown too loud to ignore.

From my own personal experience, I found myself consumed by emotions more excruciatingly painful than anything I had ever felt before. In the midst of this process, I was confused, overwhelmed, afraid, and out of control. I felt there was something deeply wrong with me, and at times it left me incapacitated.

Instinctively, I somehow knew to breathe into the pain, sometimes for hours on end. As I did so, the pain would often intensify, but at a certain point, I could feel it breaking open and coming out of my body in waves. Beneath that pain, I could feel a comforting presence along with these powerful emanations of warmth flowing from within. In those moments, I could sense my own connection to a higher power.

Still, there were times when I was triggered by people or situations, resisting the realities in front of me—times when I held on to a woman or a relationship that wasn’t right for me.

It took me a long time to learn to embrace what is, to allow myself to feel my authentic emotional responses without trying to force things to be different. I didn’t have much guidance. I was learning to navigate my inner terrain and had to figure out much of this intuitively, on my own.

I began educating myself, to deepen my understanding of my emotional wounding, starting with psychotherapy. I continued to read, study, and explore on my own, gradually gaining more insight. Over time, I taught myself how to work constructively with whatever emotions arose in response to my life circumstances.

Instead of resisting my authentic emotional responses when something triggered me, I taught myself to dive into the depths of what I was feeling in the moment. The more I practiced, the more I felt an instinctive pull to go directly to the source of any unpleasant feelings or bodily sensations as soon as they arose, so I could address the root of the issue. I found this practice activated my body-mind’s innate healing intelligence. I came out the other side with greater clarity, understanding and resolution.

Not knowing any better, people internalize the stresses and emotions they're not able to process, which remain trapped in their bodies indefinitely, stunting their growth, and reinforcing their emotional wounding. Conversely, I taught myself to use whatever was happening as fuel for growth—transforming pain into understanding, developing greater capacities, and gaining access to additional inner resources.

When the pain we’ve been holding for years first emerges, it can be overwhelming and, as I said, excruciating. But as we learn to work effectively with our emotions and face our issues head-on, our tolerance for powerful feelings grows. We develop the ability to sit with them without being consumed.

I refer to this as expanding our “digestive capacity”— our body-mind’s ability to digest both our lived experiences and the emotional responses they elicit. This process makes us stronger and more resilient. We grow, learn, and evolve. Instead of contracting around distressing or even traumatic events, we heal, integrate, and move forward in our lives.

Of course, it’s important to be realistic—each of us has limits to our processing capacity. That’s why we need to make use of the most effective therapeutic interventions available to us, especially for the healing we cannot fully accomplish on our own.

I’ve tried many interventions and remain open to anything with genuine potential. The interventions you make use of will depend on what’s available and what you can afford. Psychotherapy, books, and later the insights I gained from podcasts and videos were helpful—but insight alone doesn’t heal trauma.

Deep tissue bodywork brought to the surface emotions held in my body that I couldn’t access on my own. Sessions with gifted healers helped to transform the deeply wounded parts of me. And most powerful of all was the vision quest—a traditional Native American healing practice of fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. During these quests, there are times I can feel an extraordinarily powerful presence descend into my body, transforming past wounds and the emotions tied to them, while building a new foundation within me. I emerge more resourceful, more capable, and more resilient.

What I'm describing here is a process of building ourselves, becoming the best versions of who we can be. It’s how we live a better quality of life, access more of our potential, and make a greater difference in the lives of others.

Despite the discomfort, I encourage you to commit—as best you can—to embracing your life as it unfolds. Address the realities of your experience head-on. Center your awareness in the depths of any feelings or bodily sensations that arise as you breathe softly and deeply and then follow them as they go through their progression. In addition, make consistent use of the most effective therapeutic interventions and healing practices available to you. In doing so, you begin to transform your suffering. You move through the changes that lead to your own transformation. You become stronger, more grounded, more resourceful—and more fully yourself.

When resistance runs the show, we will invariably repeat the same cycles, chasing love that hurts, pushing away people who care, or drifting through life half-numb. But when we face what’s been buried, even though it’s uncomfortable, we begin to feel more alive, and we become more capable of intimacy, and more grounded in who we really are.

If you’re ready to go deeper, beyond just coping, and truly work through the pain, fear, doubt, and resistance that’s been holding you back, I invite you to reach out. In the individual sessions I offer, we work directly with trauma and other lived experiences, and the emotions tied to those events, so they can be digested and transformed and a new internal foundation can begin to take shape. If you’re ready to take that step, I’m here. Message me or call (332) 333-5155. You can also visit benoofana.com, teachmetomeditate.com and healmyheartache.com to learn more.

©Copyright 2025 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.