Our experience of love and loss is multifaceted and influenced by various components that shape our emotions and behaviors. Understanding the complex interplay of these factors can help us to gain insight into our emotional experiences, recognize patterns in our relationships, and work towards personal growth and healing.

As social beings, we have an innate drive to form attachments and pair bonds. This drive has evolutionary roots, as forming strong attachments has historically contributed to survival, reproduction, and raising offspring successfully. The release of neurotransmitters such as oxytocin and vasopressin during attachment formation strengthens these bonds and fosters feelings of love and security.

Beyond our evolutionary predispositions, we have emotional needs that play a significant role in the formation of relationships. The need for love, companionship, and emotional support is fundamental to our well-being. Healthy relationships provide a sense of belonging, validation, and mutual care that contributes to our overall emotional health.

Our early life experiences, particularly those involving attachment figures such as parents or caregivers, shape our attachment styles and influence the way we form relationships in adulthood. Positive childhood experiences tend to foster secure attachment styles, while adverse experiences may result in insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment. These attachment styles can influence the way we perceive and respond to love, loss, and relationship challenges.

Emotional wounds from past experiences, including childhood traumas, past relationships, or other significant life events, can impact our ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. These wounds may lead to patterns of behavior or coping mechanisms that make it difficult to establish secure attachments or effectively navigate the challenges of love and loss.

The role of neurotransmitters in love and loss

Neurotransmitters are essential in the context of love and loss, as they are the brain's chemical messengers that facilitate communication between nerve cells. They play a critical role in regulating our emotions, behaviors, and physiological responses, influencing various aspects of love and attachment.

There are three stages of falling in love: lust, attraction and attachment. Each stage involves different brain regions and neurotransmitters. When someone goes through a devastating breakup, these brain systems are disrupted and can cause intense emotional pain.

Lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen. These hormones increase sexual desire and arousal. When a relationship ends, the loss of physical intimacy can trigger withdrawal symptoms similar to those experienced by drug addicts.

Attraction is mediated by dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin. These neurotransmitters create feelings of euphoria, excitement, obsession and anxiety when we fall in love with someone. Dopamine is also involved in reward and motivation, making us crave more of our partner’s presence and attention. Norepinephrine increases alertness and memory, making us focus on every detail of our lover’s behavior and appearance. Serotonin regulates mood and impulse control, but it also drops to low levels during romantic love, making us more obsessive-compulsive.

When a breakup occurs, these neurotransmitters are thrown out of balance. Dopamine levels plummet, causing depression and loss of pleasure. Norepinephrine levels spike, causing stress and insomnia. Serotonin levels remain low, causing rumination and intrusive thoughts about the ex-partner. The brain regions that are activated by romantic love also overlap with those that process physical pain, making rejection feel like a literal wound.

Attachment is fostered by oxytocin and vasopressin. These hormones promote bonding, trust and loyalty between partners. They are released during cuddling, kissing and orgasm. They also help reduce stress and anxiety by inhibiting the activity of the amygdala, the brain’s fear center.

When a relationship ends abruptly or unexpectedly, oxytocin and vasopressin levels drop dramatically, leaving us feeling insecure, betrayed and lonely. The amygdala becomes more active again, increasing fear and anger towards the ex-partner or oneself.

As you can see, a devastating breakup can have profound effects on the brain’s biochemistry that can last for months or even years after the separation. However, there are ways to cope with these changes and heal from heartbreak.

The primary neurochemical systems involved in love and attachment…

Three primary neurochemical systems are involved in the experience of love and attachment: dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. These systems play a crucial role in romantic relationships and undergo significant changes during a breakup.

Dopamine: This neurotransmitter is responsible for the feelings of pleasure, reward, and motivation. In the early stages of a romantic relationship, dopamine levels tend to be elevated, creating a euphoric feeling and reinforcing the bond between partners. However, during a breakup, dopamine levels can decrease, leading to feelings of sadness, loss, and a lack of motivation. At the same time, the brain may also experience cravings for the “reward” that the former partner provided, similar to the cravings experienced during drug withdrawal. This can result in obsessive thoughts about the ex-partner and a strong desire to re-establish the relationship.

Oxytocin: Often referred to as the “love hormone” or the “cuddle hormone,” plays a significant role in promoting attachment and trust between romantic partners. It is released during physical touch, such as hugging or holding hands, and helps create a sense of safety and security within a relationship. During a breakup, the sudden absence of touch and intimacy can lead to a decline in oxytocin levels, causing feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and heightened emotional sensitivity.

Vasopressin: This hormone, closely related to oxytocin, also contributes to the formation of attachment and bonding in romantic relationships. Vasopressin helps to regulate various physiological functions, including blood pressure and water retention. It has also been implicated in the formation of long-term pair bonds. Like oxytocin, vasopressin levels may drop during a breakup, which can contribute to the overall feelings of distress and disconnection.

Specific impact upon the brain regions associated with attachment, reward, and emotional regulation

In addition to these neurochemical changes, the brain regions associated with attachment, reward, and emotional regulation, such as the ventral tegmental area (VTA), nucleus accumbens, and prefrontal cortex, are also affected during a breakup. This can lead to heightened emotional reactivity, impulsivity, and a diminished ability to regulate emotions effectively.

Overall, the changes in brain biochemistry during a painful breakup contribute to the feelings of sadness, longing, and emotional turmoil that many individuals experience. Understanding these underlying processes can provide insight into why breakups can be so challenging and offer guidance for coping strategies and healing.

Serotonin and Norepinephrine

Neurotransmitters such as serotonin and norepinephrine can also be impacted during a devastating breakup. It is important to understand their roles in the emotional and physiological responses experienced during a breakup.

Serotonin: Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood, sleep, appetite, and other essential functions. Serotonin levels can be affected by romantic relationships and breakups. In the early stages of love, serotonin levels may decrease, leading to obsessive thoughts and intense feelings towards the partner. However, during a breakup, the fluctuation in serotonin levels can contribute to feelings of sadness, irritability, and depression. Low serotonin levels have been linked to depression, and the emotional turmoil experienced during a breakup may exacerbate this issue.

Norepinephrine: Norepinephrine, also known as noradrenaline, is a neurotransmitter involved in the body's stress response and helps regulate attention, alertness, and arousal. In the early stages of love, norepinephrine levels are often elevated, leading to heightened energy, excitement, and focus on the partner. During a breakup, norepinephrine levels can fluctuate, potentially resulting in increased stress, anxiety, and restlessness. These changes in norepinephrine can contribute to the emotional distress and heightened physiological responses experienced during a breakup, such as rapid heartbeat and difficulty sleeping.

The changes in these neurotransmitters can significantly impact an individual's emotional and physiological state. It is essential for us to consider the complex interplay of various neurochemical systems in the brain during a breakup, as they contribute to the emotional pain and challenges we face during these times.

Other lesser-known neurotransmitters affected by a breakup

There are other neurotransmitters that may also be affected during a breakup, although the research in this area is still developing. Some of these neurotransmitters include:

Endorphins: These are natural painkillers and mood elevators produced in the brain. During a breakup, the levels of endorphins may decrease, leading to increased feelings of pain and discomfort.

Glutamate: This is the most abundant excitatory neurotransmitter in the brain, responsible for sending signals between nerve cells and playing a role in learning and memory. Stress and emotional turmoil from a breakup can affect glutamate levels, potentially leading to imbalances that may contribute to mood changes, anxiety, or cognitive difficulties.

Gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA): GABA is an inhibitory neurotransmitter that helps to reduce neural activity and promote relaxation. Breakups can cause fluctuations in GABA levels, which may contribute to feelings of anxiety or difficulty relaxing.

Corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH): This hormone is involved in the stress response and can be released in higher amounts during a breakup. Increased CRH levels can lead to heightened stress and anxiety.

Balancing our brain’s biochemical response

Most of us have, at some point, experienced the extreme range of emotions that come with falling in love and the devastation of heartbreak when a relationship doesn't work out. When we fall in love, we're consumed by thoughts of that individual, experiencing states of euphoria and, at times, anxiety. We're filled with an intense longing and desire, while imagining a future together.

When our relationships don't work out, we often descend into the depths of despair, consumed by emotions of sadness, grief, hurt, and anger, while continuing to think obsessively about our former partner or the person we’re long to be with. We may feel as if we are somehow to blame for the dissolution of the relationship, continually replaying and analyzing our own words and actions, as well as those of our former partner.

Falling in love can be a wondrous experience when our feelings for the other person are reciprocated. However, it can be absolutely torturous when they are not. The danger here is that many of us become so caught up in our projections that we fail to see the person we've fallen in love with for who they truly are. In many instances, we find ourselves engulfed in the all-consuming passion for someone who is not the best match for us and, even worse, has the potential to inflict emotional and other damage upon us and seriously complicate our lives.

It became quite clear to me that I wasn’t fully grounded in reality at times when I’ve developed strong romantic attachments. Over time, I learned to see it as an opportunity to heal and would make a concerted effort to bring myself back to reality.

I spent lots of time in walking meditation and would in many instances walk for hours while dropping into the depths of all the emotions that were surfacing. I felt these emotions circulating through the space around me. I could then feel electromagnetic field of the Earth helping to soften and diffuse all those emotions. The combination of physical activity and being in nature also helped to restore balance to my brain’s neurotransmitters.

At one point in my late twenties, I had developed especially strong feelings for a woman I had been spending time with who didn’t reciprocate my romantic interest. The lack of reciprocation hurt, but I spent a weekend breathing with my awareness centered in the depths of that whole convoluted mix of emotions. By the end of the weekend, my attachment dissolved. I no longer cared or felt the need or desire to be with or spend time with her. I let go and moved on.

Dissolving unhealthy attachments is not always that easy, especially when the emotional wounding that we’re enacting in our intimate relationships stems from past trauma. My own destructive cycle of forming and attempting to hold onto unhealthy attachments continued for quite some time. I needed outside intervention to facilitate the healing that I could not fully do on my own.

Deep tissue bodywork got me more into my body while bringing the emotions held within my body up to the surface so that I could process them. The sessions I did receive from gifted healers helped me to heal and transform the deeply wounded parts of myself. The vision quests, a traditional Native American healing practice that involves going out to fast alone in the mountain for four days and nights with no food or water made the greatest difference. I could, in many instances, feel a powerful presence working within my body to heal and transform the trauma that I held within.

There have been many instance when I’ve gone to the mountain when I was either emotionally strung out as I reenacted my own patterns of unrequited love or consumed with grief when a relationship came to an end. The extraordinarily powerful healing presence would work within my body during this time, helping me to digest the toxic relational drama and all those highly charged emotions. I could feel a new foundation being constructed that enabled me to form healthier attachments.

Every time I’ve gone through the vision quest, I could feel myself letting go of unhealthy attachments and whatever else was not working in my life. I became stronger, more resilient and much more grounded. Biochemically, I was way more balanced. I no longer formed those unhealthy attachments that previously caused me to hold onto individuals who were not a good match and relationships that were not working and that left me feeling so strung out. My relationships have continued to improve over time.

Having trained for years with a traditional Native American doctor (medicine man), I work as a conduit by allowing an extraordinarily powerful force to work through me to facilitate healing in others. The presence working through me during these sessions helps people to thoroughly “digest” the painful relational dramas playing out in their lives along with all those highly charged emotions.

As I work with people, the overwhelming sadness, grief, hurt, longing, and other painful emotions soften and become increasingly diffuse. The anxiety and obsessive thoughts subside, and they are able to gain perspective, grasping the crucial lessons their former partner and the relationship have to teach them. They feel themselves letting go as their unhealthy attachment to the other person and the relationship dissolves. They emerge on the other side feeling much lighter.

As the deeply wounded parts of the self are healed and transformed, these individuals are able to reengage with other people and the world around them. Many move on to co-create meaningful and fulfilling relationships with individuals with whom they can truly love and be loved by.

I love playing a part in facilitating this transformation in the lives of people who are in the midst of a breakup, divorce, that have been ghosted or struggle with patterns of abandonment and unrequited love. Are you currently faced with these challenges in your own intimate relationships? Feel free to reach out to me at (332) 333-5155 when you’re ready.

©Copyright 2023 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.

When you’re ready, I have 2 ways I can help you to heal your heartache and attract more love into your life and cocreate more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.

1. Click here to grab your free copy of my eBook – The Essentials Of Getting Over Your Breakup And Moving On and watch the master class Three Reasons Your Relationships Are Not Working …And What You Can Do About It.

3. Work with me individually If you’re in the midst of a breakup, Are you in the midst of a breakup, struggling with patterns of abandonment or unrequited love, or facing challenges in your current relationship and would like to work directly with me, email me at ben@benoofana.com. For faster response, call me at (332) 333-5155.