Many of us are, or at some point in our lives have been, on a quest to find our ‘soulmate' or to ‘call in the one.' Much of our way of thinking is fueled by media portrayals, books, songs, cultural narratives, and pressures from friends and family, which tell us that a romantic partner is what makes us complete and can fulfill all our emotional needs, thereby setting unrealistic expectations for relationships.

These misguided assumptions create a frame or mindset through which we perceive ourselves and our lives, leading us to search endlessly, even to the point of desperation for this special someone and to feel like an absolute failure if we don't find that person or if it doesn't work out.

Societal norms and comments from loved ones can make us feel grossly inadequate if we're not in a romantic relationship, contributing to a growing sense of urgency to find that special someone. This quest often leads to an emotional rollercoaster, characterized by high hopes, totally unrealistic expectations, and then huge letdowns, and sometimes, the devastation of relationships that end badly. That's why it's so important for us to reconsider the assumptions we've been operating under about where happiness and completeness originate, and to place more emphasis on personal growth and self-sufficiency.

We all have a basic need to love and be loved. However, the excessive focus on finding that special someone can prevent us from developing ourselves, gaining a clear sense of who we are, and understanding what's truly important to us. This oversight deprives us of the opportunity to become our best selves, live our best lives, and develop the resources needed to sustain a healthy relationship.

External Influences Shaping Our Perceptions

Media often conveys the message that romantic relationships are the ultimate life goal and the key to happiness. Movies, television, and songs commonly suggest that finding a romantic partner is essential for a complete and fulfilling life. This contributes to our sense that singlehood is a temporary, undesirable state, to be remedied by partnering up with that special someone.

Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and other social media platforms amplify feelings of inadequacy about our single status or the fact that our current relationship isn't working all that well, through constant exposure to images of ‘happy couples.' Social media feeds present an idealized snapshot of life, often a grossly inaccurate reflection of reality. Yet, their influence can have a profound effect on our expectations and sense of personal satisfaction.

The commercialization of romance through holidays like Valentine's Day, industries such as wedding and matchmaking services, and the proliferation of dating apps further reinforces our individual and collective notions that romantic relationships are a universal, essential goal. This commercialization intensifies our feelings of exclusion or failure when we are not happily partnered.

The Biochemistry of Desire: Hormones, Neurotransmitters and the Illusion of Love

The biochemically induced altered states generated by hormones/neurotransmitters—such as testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine—create powerfully intoxicating effects. These effects lead us to long, crave and ache for someone, and experience intense sexual arousal. Caught in this illusion, we find ourselves thinking about this person at all hours of the day and night, feeling as though we've found the love of our life, our soulmate. We believe we must be with this person, feeling as though we cannot possibly live without them. Yet, it can be incredibly deceptive.

The Destructive Consequences of Being Overly Focused on Finding Love

When you become overly focused on finding that special someone, it can lead you to believe that your happiness and well-being depend on your love life, or lack thereof. Viewing your life through this filter can leave you feeling incomplete without a significant other, pushing you into a relentless search for companionship. When love doesn't materialize, or relationships fail, it can heighten your feelings of neediness and desperation. This often results in anxiety and low self-esteem, as you start to measure your self-worth by your relationship status.

Such an intense focus on finding a partner can easily lead to emotional dependency, significantly diminishing your personal happiness. Moreover, this mindset can severely impact your emotional health, as your perceived value becomes inextricably linked to being in a relationship. Another consideration is that this kind of mindset exacerbates fears of abandonment, leaving you feeling as though your life depends on the person you’ve formed an attachment to.

The Cost of Obsession: How the Search for a Soulmate Can Derail Personal Growth

For many of us, the pursuit of finding that special someone becomes an all-consuming mission, that overshadows other important aspects of our lives. This relentless search can easily create a neediness and desperation, self-defeating traits that are more likely to repulse the individual we're hoping to attract. It's not only disastrous in the context of our love life, but for our overall sense of wellbeing.

The danger of fixating on a romantic partner is that it can lead to emotional dependency, where our happiness and self-worth are heavily contingent upon our relationship status and more specifically, our being with this individual that we've formed an attachment to. This dependency can diminish our self-esteem and make us quite vulnerable to hell and heartache.

Desperation and neediness, driven by our fears of being alone or abandoned, can easily sabotage our connections with potential love interests or relationships. The vibe of neediness and desperation we exude can be extremely off-putting to others. Additionally, this often creates a sense of awkwardness that leads us to say or do things that are similarly off-putting, actions we may later regret. Sadly, this behavior only further undermines our chances of forming genuine and meaningful relationships.

Another significant danger of fixating on another individual or finding ‘the one' is that it can throw our lives so far out of balance. Our desire for a romantic relationship can dominate our priorities, causing us to neglect other vital areas of our lives such as our education, career, friendships, family, self-care, and personal growth. We can veer so far off our life path that it literally derails us, thereby preventing us from living fully and authentically.

This is why I so strongly emphasize the importance of cultivating a healthy relationship with ourselves. That means building a strong and healthy foundation, taking the necessary steps to heal the wounded parts of ourselves, getting a clear sense of our own needs, living true to ourselves, and fulfilling our life's purpose. As we do so, we're less likely to feel desperate for companionship.

Wounding and Unmet Needs 

Our parents were, for the most part, doing the best they could with the understanding and resources they possessed. Yet, in many instances, our most basic needs were never met. The wounding is considerably worse for those of us who have been subjected to verbal, physical, or sexual abuse, or some combination thereof. The resulting emotional wounds significantly impede our ability to form healthy attachments.

Many of us want not only to love and be loved, but also for someone to come along and make it all better. Even if we’re not consciously aware of doing so, we often enter relationships attempting to heal past traumas and to have our unmet needs met. What often happens is that the pain we've internalized, and our unmet needs contribute to a sense of longing and desperation. In many instances, we find ourselves forming attachments to individuals who reenact the dysfunction we experienced in our family of origin. This reenactment deepens our existing emotional wounds. Only when we take steps to heal can we begin to form healthier attachments.

Lessons Learned from Love and Loss

When the traumas of my childhood and adolescence began to resurface in my mid-twenties, I found myself forming attachments to women who were either disinterested, unavailable, or, in some instances, quite abusive. Wanting more than anything to have someone in my life I could love and be loved by, I tried so hard to make those relationships work, and when they didn’t, the pain I felt was excruciating. My resistance to the pain only compounded the issue by preventing me from letting go.

I gradually learned to embrace the lack of reciprocation and the repeated losses while telling myself, “This is the life lesson I'm here to learn.” Determined to use whatever happened in my relationships as a means to heal and transform myself, I learned to work constructively with my emotions to heal the deep emotional wounds and subsequent feelings of grief, sadness, hurt, anxiety, and fear of loss.

By embracing my suffering, learning to work constructively with my emotions, and making consistent use of the most effective therapeutic interventions, I was able to heal the wounded parts of myself and transform my suffering into fuel for growth. As the unhealthy attachments began to dissolve, I found it much easier to let go. I also found that it was opening my heart in a way that increased my capacity to love and be loved. Gradually, I began to attract healthier companions with whom I resonated into my life, allowing me to co-create more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.

Love as an Addition, Not a Lifeline

I was for some time operating under the mindset that I needed someone to come along to partner with, someone to make me complete and make life worthwhile. I believed that only with that connection would I have what I needed to pursue my life's work. I also wanted so much to be with someone I could feel safe with—someone who wouldn't be abusive or ghost me, so I could heal within the context of the relationship. Apparently, I had it totally ass backwards. It turns out that I had to do the intensive work required to heal the wounded parts of myself, and only then did I begin to attract more caring partners.

There were also instances when my life revolved around the woman to whom I was attached. Unsurprisingly, this approach never worked out very well. Instead of having my life revolve around someone else, I've shifted to a healthier and more independent stance—I'm on my own journey now. If you can walk alongside me, for however long, that's wonderful. However things play out, I'm fine with it.

A healthy relationship with a loving partner with whom you're compatible is an addition, but not a necessity. Relationships enhance our lives but are not the foundation of self-worth or happiness. By adopting this mindset and continuing to progress in our healing, we can enter relationships not out of need or desperation but from a place of personal stability and completeness.

Loneliness As a Doorway to a Deeper Connection

Loneliness is a challenge for so many of us. For the longest time, I was plagued by persistently painful, and at times, damn near unbearable feelings of longing and loneliness. I used to fight these feelings by attempting to distract myself or numb the pain, or by trying to make unworkable relationships work, but that only made matters worse. Rather than fighting the loneliness, I learned to embrace the painful feelings by breathing into the empty void. Much to my amazement, as I continued breathing into the loneliness, I felt an ever-stronger connection to the authentic core residing deep within.

Engaging the Body and Mind's Innate Healing Intelligence

As we come of age, many of us struggle to gain a sense of ourselves, often lacking awareness and understanding of our own needs. We internalize many of the societal, media, peer, and familial messages, including the pressure to find a romantic partner.

During my mid-twenties, I began to develop my own system of meditation practices that, in many ways, is similar to mindfulness practice. An important part of this practice involves breathing softly and deeply while fully immersing my awareness in any feelings and bodily sensations that arise. I found that as I continued to work with this practice, I was developing a greater awareness of my own thoughts and feelings, putting me in touch with the driving forces, the underlying desires and motivations that determined my outlook on relationships and other aspects of life, my emotional states, and my actions.

At that time, my relationships were reflecting back the parts of me that had yet to develop and that were, in many instances, deeply wounded. Processing these emotions brought to the forefront of my awareness those wounded aspects of myself. I was able to recognize the patterns that I was enacting in my relationships that were not healthy. I became more cognizant of how I was attempting to hold onto relationships that were not working. As the wounded parts of myself began to heal, and I could feel my attachments to women who were not well-matched for me dissolving, making it a lot easier for me to let go.

I also noticed that I was feeling much more content with the present. My sense of well-being became less contingent on the reciprocation of a potential love interest and other external circumstances. I could see a gradual improvement in the quality of my interactions; I became more empathetic, patient, and attuned to the needs of others, including my partner. I also became more skilled in navigating conflict. Additionally, my communication improved, which not only helped in resolving conflicts but also deepened the connections, thereby improving the quality of relationships with people who were a part of my life.

Personal Development as a Foundation for Relationships

All of us have suffered disappointments and setbacks along the way. Many of us grew up in dysfunctional families, and some have endured traumatic abuse. These emotional wounds continue to impact us. Unless we take the necessary steps to heal, we are likely to continue the cycle of reenacting the deeply wounding experiences of our past.

Healthy and loving relationships start with you developing a healthier relationship with yourself. It’s crucial for you to commit to doing whatever it takes to heal your body and mind, consistently making use of the most effective practices and therapeutic interventions available. As you heal the deeply wounded parts of yourself, you not only develop a stronger foundation and become far more resilient but also deepen your connection to the authentic core residing within and to the higher power. Consequently, you no longer feel so dependent on another person for your well-being or happiness.

As you take steps to facilitate the healing of deep emotional wounds and commit to being your best self and living your best life, you evolve—gaining added depth and dimension, becoming more interesting, and developing a confidence and presence that naturally draw others to you. Your authentic core begins to emanate from within, making you more attractive to the right kinds of individuals.

Living A Life of Passion and Purpose

I feel it's important for every one of us to get a sense of what we most want to do in life and then, to the best of our ability, pursue our passions. Here are just a few examples of how I have pursued my own passions.

Since early childhood, I was drawn to Native Americans, a fascination that grew into my adolescence. At the age of seventeen, I took off on my own and landed in southwestern Oklahoma, among a community of predominantly Kiowa Indians. I started attending peyote meetings, where I met my mentor Horace Daukei, one of the last surviving traditional Kiowa doctors (medicine men). I apprenticed with Horace for three years. Since that time, I have gone through numerous vision quests, a traditional Native practice that involves fasting alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water.

Having a profound fascination with Chinese martial arts, I began to train with Master Shifu Li Tai Liang in Xin Yi Quan, Baguazhang, Tai Chi, and Chi Gong in 2002. Although I'm not currently training, I continue to practice on a daily basis.

I have always been fascinated by different cultures and have traveled to numerous countries throughout my life. In 2002, I had an intuition that I needed to board a plane and go to Sri Lanka. Since then, I have spent a great deal of time in Sri Lanka, staying in villages and developing a number of close relationships.

It’s important for you to identify what you're most passionate about. Consider what you want to learn, the kinds of experiences you wish to have, the places you want to travel to, or where you want to live. What are your professional aspirations? What causes are you deeply committed to and want to support? How can you become more fully engaged in the pursuit of your passions? An essential part of living your best life is doing everything in your power to transform your deepest desires into your day-to-day reality. In other words, don’t just think about it—take action and make it happen.

The Importance of Friends and Family

Our society places way too much emphasis on finding the love of our life, as if we're all waiting for the fairy tale of finding our prince or princess to magically materialize. Yet, we often overlook the importance of friends and family. It's crucial to get out and get involved—engage with people while pursuing meaningful activities that you enjoy. Take time to get to know people, cultivate friendships, reach out, and get together.

It's especially important for straight men and women, who often do not have many close connections with those of the opposite gender, to form friendships across gender lines. I encourage you to cultivate these friendships as much as you can. Doing so helps to balance the masculine and feminine polarities within you and can alleviate the painful feelings of loneliness. Even if these relationships are not physically intimate, they can still meet some of the emotional needs typically fulfilled by an intimate partner.

Education and Self-Sufficiency

The disadvantages faced by individuals due to limited opportunities are not confined to one location or era. It's more commonplace in developing nations, and yet you can even see it here in the United States. Those who don't have the opportunity or lack the motivation to pursue their education face limited career opportunities and often get stuck in low-paying jobs. Similarly, in generations past, it was far more common for women to be dependent upon their husbands, largely due to a lack of education and limited career options. Many remained in relationships with a man they didn't love, and those whose husbands drank heavily or subjected them to abuse suffered terribly.

Education and the ability to provide for ourselves form a critical part of our foundation. Knowledge is power; that's why it's so important for you to pursue your education, whether by learning a trade or earning a degree. Continue to learn, keeping yourself informed by reading and listening, and always be sure to check the credibility of any source of information for accuracy. It's also important for you to work towards becoming financially independent, so that you have more options and are able to meet your own material needs, and those of any children you might have to care for at some point.

Focus on living your best life, becoming the best you. Identify what you want to achieve, short and long term, whether it be in education, career, fitness or any other endeavor you feel inspired to pursue. Self-discovery, self-actualization and spiritual growth will provide you with a sense of direction and purpose, a sense of accomplishment and confidence.

Single As An Opportunity

Being single has often been viewed negatively, associated with loneliness or a lack of desirability or success in personal relationships. It's important for us to become cognizant of this messaging and reframe these beliefs for ourselves. We need to understand the importance of the times in our lives when we're not partnered and recognize the many opportunities they provide for growth and self-discovery.

The times in our life when we're single are a time of personal enrichment, an opportunity to define ourselves, and to achieve things that can be much harder to do when we're in a relationship, even more so when there are children in the picture.

Being single has a way of opening the door for travel, to further advance our education, to focus more intensely on our careers, and to cultivate additional skill sets that we may not have the time or focus for when we're partnered.

No Need to Put Your Love Life On Hold

I'm not in any way suggesting that you put your love life on hold until you get it all sorted out. By all means, keep yourself open to the possibility if someone exceptional, with whom you truly resonate, comes into your life. Instead, I'm encouraging you to strive for balance by putting more emphasis on personal fulfillment and self-reliance

Many of us have the tendency to lose ourselves in relationships. While relationships indeed require compromise, it’s crucial to maintain a balance. If you find yourself partnered with someone, make a concerted effort to stay aware of times when you’re not being fully authentic. Notice when you’re compromising too much—especially if it involves denying your own basic needs.

Strive to address your own needs while also taking into consideration those of your partner, asserting your needs and boundaries when necessary. It’s important to recognize that being true to yourself does not preclude you from caring deeply about someone else. Instead, a healthy relationship should encourage the authenticity and well-being of both partners.

Contentment in the Present: Embracing Life As It Comes

There's a prevailing myth that we are all destined to find that special someone to love and be loved by. However, not everyone does, and when they don't, they often feel like failures. It's possible that you could end up in a relationship that isn't very fulfilling and stay in it for many years. Perhaps you will find love for periods of time, or maybe you will discover a deeply fulfilling and lasting connection. But there are no guarantees.

By shifting our focus from solely finding ‘the one' to developing our own emotional well-being, we can achieve a greater sense of satisfaction in life. This perspective not only enriches our relationships but also enhances our overall happiness and stability.

Commit to living your life, embracing it for what it is, and learning to find contentment with what you have. When you find contentment within yourself, it's more likely to put you in a space that will be more appealing to someone who is well suited for you.

Feeling heartbroken? Overwhelmed with sadness and grief? If you're ready to heal, let go, move on, and attract love into your life, schedule your free twenty-minute heart mending strategy session now. This initial session is not the actual healing process, but a valuable opportunity for you to share your individual concerns and challenges. Together, we'll devise a path forward, exploring workable solutions for you to implement on your healing journey. Click here to schedule your free heart mending strategy session.

©Copyright 2024 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved.

When you’re ready, I have 3 ways I can help you to heal your heartache and attract more love into your life and cocreate more meaningful and deeply fulfilling relationships.
1. Click here to grab your free copy of my eBook – The Essentials Of Getting Over Your Breakup And Moving On
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3. Work with me individually: Are you experiencing chronic health issues that no one has been able to help you with? Are you dealing with persistent emotions that are taking you out of the game of life? Are you in the midst of a breakup, struggling with patterns of abandonment or unrequited love, or facing challenges in your current relationship? Ready to break through existing limitations and unearth the inner resources you need to overcome challenges and realize your true potential? If any of these resonate with you and you're seeking personalized guidance and support, and would like to work directly with me, email me at ben@benoofana.com. For a faster response, call me at (332) 333-5155.